DRIVE, directed by Nicolas Winding Refn, starring Baby Goose, Bryan Cranston, and Christina Hendricks. Opens September 16th.
“Hey, girl, you know what else pumps blood? The human heart. Haha, do you like my signature, girl? I always write it in pink script. I wear these gloves to keep my hands soft for puppies.”
Machine Gun Preacher, opening September 23 in New York and LA.
“Hope is the greatest weapon of all.” That’s actually chopped from the full quote, which was “Hope is the greatest weapon of all, but it never hurts to pack a Kalashnikov and a black kid.”
We need to talk about Kevin. He’s like 50-feet tall! I think he might have a glandular issue. I also, he totally stole my haircut.
So this is the poster for the American Pie reunion movie, which is apparently called American Reunion. I don’t mind telling you that it’s confusing as all hell. The poster for the original had a pie with a d*ck hole in it where Jason Biggs had tried to hump it because someone told him it felt like vagina. Now, we have what looks like a new take on the old pie, but the nice, round d*ck hole is gone, in favor of a giant, messy gash. Would could’ve caused this? I suppose that’s the big question. Maybe Jason Biggs is in his mid-thirties now and trapped in a loveless marriage, and wanted to feel what it’d be like to have his balls licked like he used to, and tried to dip them in a pie? That could be a scrotum hole, I suppose. Or maybe Natasha Lyonne got hammered and passed out into a pie, and it was some kind of metaphor for dabbling in lesbianism? I don’t know. I have no idea. And then there’s that tagline. “Save the best piece for last.” And this presumably describes this torn-up pie that some dude probably just dipped his old balls in. Like, maybe it’s saying that the last “piece” you ever get will be this nasty old ball-bruised piece of pie that not even a hobo would want to eat? And why is it last? Is someone getting married? Or maybe the piece will be his last because he commits suicide afterwards? I don’t pretend to know these things, but either way it sounds pretty dark.
From Kinobild Releasing comes the first poster for And They’re Off, starring the box office molten lava combo of Cheri Oteri and Sean Astin (GET THOSE NAMES ABOVE THE TITLE IMMEDIATELY!). And what better way to promote such a movie, I ask, than a poster in which Sean Astin leans casually on the hind quarters of a nine-foot tall thoroughbred while his feet hover mysteriously, majestically above the turf grass? Heck, I’m already sold. But then there’s that tagline.
“He was so far behind, he thought he was in first.”
I guess what they’re saying is, he’s kind of like the Rudy of horses.
Carnage, Roman Polanski’s first film since the Swiss freed him last summer. I bet he emerged from those six months in a Swiss ski chalet a changed man. All that time living in Alpine luxury, it’s bound to change any man.
Also, it looks like someone took my statement, “Hell, if a movie had Christoph Waltz and John C. Reilly in the cast, I’d watch it even if the director was a child rapist,” a little too seriously. That statement still stands though. Christoph Waltz and John C. Reilly rule.
Well, if it isn’t BRONAN THE BARBRONIAN! Hey, Terminator 2 called. It wants its flaming battlefield covered in skulls back.
“Live Love Slay” was always my favorite Elizabeth Gilbert book.
NEEDS MORE SPARKS!
I still can’t get past Jude Law’s perfect collar. F*ck that, my collars don’t look that good in my closet, let alone when I have to put on a hazmat suit with big rubber gloves.
“Hey, girl, you like my hammer? I’ll come over to your apartment later and hang the picture I painted you.”
Anyone else getting a Dustin Hoffman-in-Midnight-Cowboy vibe from this, or am I thinking of a different movie?
I’m down for Kevin Spacey any time, but is it just me, or does Virginia Madsen look like a tweeked-out Miley Cyrus in this?
Yeah! It’s OUR time! Our time to remake movies from our parents’ generation! Yay, let’s dance to old songs!
Photoshop presents, A Night of Too Many Comic Actors! Too many to fit on one poster, anyway. Next time, just pick one thing to focus on. Lake Bell’s boobs, for instance. Lake Bell has nice boobs, I guess is what I’m trying to say.
Every Hollywood plot ever: “Two young kids fall in love, and someone has a gun for some reason.”
Behold, THE AFRO WIG OF CRITICAL ACCLAIM!
Get it? They dressed her as a house cleaner because she’s Mexican. I kid, I kid. But seriously, every movie or show aimed at young girls nowadays is about how any regular girl can become a superstar. Yeah, great message, assh*les, keep it up. I got a movie idea for you, it’s called “You’re Not a Superstar But That’s Okay, Now Shut Up and Learn Something.”
I hope that’s super soldier serum, otherwise no one’s seeing this.
True story, Cuba Gooding Jr. was already in a Tuskeegee Airmen movie back in 1995. What I’m saying is, I’ve basically already seen this movie. I wish Red Tails was a movie about baboons. Baboons are neat.
The Safe, starring The Stafe! I’m excited, but I honestly don’t know what I’m supposed to take from this poster. So far, all I know is that The Stafe’s in it, and the director’s name sounds like Cockney slang. “OI, GUV! DA BOAZ YAKIN’S GUMMED UP DA BOBBY’S LORRIE LIFT AND NOW FINGS ‘AS GONE PEAR SHAPED, DEY ‘AVE!”
The tangled-feet concept is decent, but then someone was like, “BUT WAIT! HOW WILL THEY KNOW MANDY MOORE AND MARTIN FREEMAN ARE IN IT??” and they had to water it down. Still, with a title like “Swinging with the Finkels,” how could it not be a hit?
As the recently departed Jani Lane once said of swinging:
Swingin’ on the front porch
Swingin’ on the lawn
Swingin’ where we want
‘Cause there ain’t nobody home
Swingin’ to the left
And swingin’ to the right
If I think about baseball
I’ll swing all night yea
Man, the 80s sucked.
At least they hint at the zeppelin-carried pirate ship fights in this one.
Orlando Bloom IS… Sir Lindsay of Buckingham!
Milla Jovovich IS… married to the director!
Christoph Waltz IS… in this movie? Really?
“I like the metal tubes and black leather and creative facial hair, but it could use more brass.” – Steampunk Charlie
Psst, bro. That’s not Gary Oldman, it’s Colin Firth.
What? NO. That’s not Gary Oldman either! Jesus, have you ever seen a movie? I don’t even know who that is.
Ugh, still not Gary Oldman… You know what? Forget it.
With that tagline… would it be weird to have Harold and Kumar ejaculating on the Santa corpse? I feel like it’d fit. Also, there should be a better depraved sex act called a “secret santa.”
[All posters via IMPA]