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This Week in Posters: Sean Astin is Doin Great

By 08.30.11

It’s Monday afternoon Tuesday morning, and you know what that means: time to contemplate suicide! But also, the latest installment of This Week in Posters. This week: Sean Astin, a Footloose remake, Baby Goose, motion posters, and Gary Oldman finally gets correctly labeled. Enjoy.
STAY COOL.
I have no idea what this is, and I’m not even convinced it’s a movie. Pitch meeting for a new version of the Surreal Life? A game of random celebrity mad libs? Nothing about it really screams “movie.” But I can tell you this, if Sean Astin frosts his tips, I AM SO THERE. As long as it doesn’t open the same day as And They’re Off.
Additional trivia: Sawyer from Lost plays a character named “Wino.”

LOOK OUT, IT’S A WOMAN! SHE’S GOT HER PERIOD AND A STICK!
But seriously, I’m always complaining about too many remakes and a general lack of originality in horror films. What this film presupposes is, maybe I should be careful what I wish for?

Am I hallucinating, or was there a kid with a baby arm in there?
Here in America it’s called What’s Your Number. In France it’s called [S]ex List. I guess because numbers wouldn’t matter in France, because French people are sluts. Great poster, by the way. Chris Evans has that expression that seems to say, “I’m neutered ;-(“
I’ve been enjoying these posters for Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy, but it’s about damn time the guy they put “GARY OLDMAN” over was actually Gary Oldman. That is one stylish son of a bitch. I guess it finally is white boy day.
Is there some bizarro world I’m not aware of where Logan Lerman, Orlando Bloom, and Milla Jovovich are bigger draws than Christoph Waltz and pirate ships carried by zeppelins?
Did guys in revolutionary France actually wear jewels dangling from the tips of their mustaches or is that just some steam punk thing I didn’t hear about?
Ahh, yes, well I see that this is a movie. Coming this October, it’s actors! Starring in a movie! Someone has a gun! Watch it in a theater!

Here’s Dreamworks’ new MOTION poster for Puss in Boots, because still photos are for poor people. I’d love to make fun of it for being from Dreamworks and being the umpteenth spin-off of Shrek or for involving Dreamworks face somehow, but I’m kind of a sucker for anthropomorphic animals doing animal things. Like in Fantastic Mr. Fox where they were talking like a regular sitcom family, but then when the food came, everyone started scarfing it down like regular foxes? Gets me every damn time.

[via

I never thought there’d be a dwarf cooler than Warwick Davis, but Peter Dinklage is constantly campaigning for the mini-crown.That said, I don’t know what this movie’s about. Maybe the fat guy and the skinny guy combine to impersonate a dead guy? That doesn’t make any damn sense. Poor Mrs. Smalls. Between Biggie and Pete, it doesn’t seem like she had any kids that lived.

DON’T YOU EYEF*CK ME, REDMAYNE! TUCK IN THOSE EYEBALLS BEFORE THEY GET TAKEN OUT BY A GOOK SNIPER!

Also, Marilyn Monroe died in 1962. That’s almost 50 years ago. How long is it going to be before sunglasses aren’t visual shorthand for being super cool anymore? 50 more years?

I guess this is pretty cool, but you know what would be cooler? If, instead of just sitting there, her eyes could move and blink at you all creepy like.

HOLY CRAP THEY READ MY MIND!

I guess you can scan this with your cell phone to access the latest trailer or something. Are people actually doing this? Because I hang with a lot of tech dorks who all have the latest phones and I don’t see anyone doing this.

That said, I always feel like John Hawkes is about to beat my ass, and I like that about him.

Elizabeth Olsen is the sister of Mary-Kate and Ashley. Haha, wasn’t this trivia fun?? (I couldn’t think of anything to say about this poster).

Here’s Antonio Banderas in Pedro Almodovar’s latest, The Skin I Live In. I’m sure it won’t be weird at all.

Hey, girl, power seduces, I just compliment. You look super pretty, and your room is neat.I never saw this, but Burnsy said it was good. Is that David Tennant on the right? Because that’s an impressive Bill Pullman impression.HEY, DAWNNIE, I JUST MOVED HEAH FROM BAWSTON AND NONE DA KIDS HEAH IS ALLOWED TO DANCE OAH NUTHIN. LOOKS LIKE IT’S MY RESPAWNSABILITY TA TEACH ‘EM TA DANCE AND WEAH V-NECKS AND SAY “FACK YOU!” TO ATHAWRITY.

…Yeah, did I mention the kid from out of town in the remake is from Boston? God, this movie is going to suck so hard.

The only thing I can’t think of when I look at this is those sh*tty Chevy ads with John Cougar Mellencamp singing “This is ooooooour cooooooountraaaayyy….” while some cowboy threw logs in the back of his truck. Only it’s 2011 and there’s a chick in a tunic riding in a VW Beetle. Our Time my ass.

Whaaaaat the f*ck is that kid on the right wearing? That wouldn’t fly on a Target mannequin. I guess Beantown McTwilight Hair over there hasn’t schooled him in the ways of over accessorizing yet. I guess the poster is kind of a neat design, but… a haunted house? Who the hell is interested in seeing this film based on that information? LOOK OUT, LITTLE GIRL! THERE’S GHOSTS IN THERE!They’re mind melding because it’s about psychiatry, you see. The future is now.

[all posters via IMPA]

 


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