Following up on yesterday’s sneak preview from the Today show, Disney has released the full trailer for John Carter. I can’t deny that it looks cool, but it kind of just makes me feel sad and jaded. There’s a ton of talent behind the camera, and I’m sure ten years ago the sheer spectacle would’ve melted our faces off, but now it just sort of looks like every other movie that came out this summer. Mix aliens from Green Lantern with plots of Avatar and Cowboys and Aliens, and voila, you’ve got this. The biggest selling point was going to be Willem Dafoe in a ridiculous outfit, but apparently he just voices the alien in the banner image. God, life sucks. You really ruined my morning, John Carter.
Okay, I think I’ve isolated the problem. It’s the dialog. No one says anything that isn’t pointless exposition (“You are… John Carter of Earth” being the most hilarious example) or bad action-movie platitudes (“I won’t be late… this time“). I need a better reason to like this guy besides long hair, shirtlessness, and a growly voice. I mean, it works for my mom, but that’s more because she’s my mom than because of her growling or bare chest.
In conclusion, THERE’S ONLY ONE JOHN CARTER, AND HIS NAME IS NOAH WYLIE.
[comingsoon - Opens March 9th]