Opening Wide and Saying, “Ahhhhh”: Joyful Noise, Contraband, Beauty and the Beast 3D
Opening in Limited Release: The Iron Lady, We Need to Talk About Kevin
FilmDrunk Suggests: Not The Iron Lady, that’s for sure. Did you read Vince’s review? This one, right here. Man, that’s some brutal criticism. I don’t know who keeps giving that Meryl Streep lady jobs, but she needs to give up and go get her secretary’s license.
Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 39% critics, 72% audience
Gratuitous Review Quotes:
“And the film, written and directed by Todd Graff (‘Bandslam’), feels both overstuffed and glossed over. It wants to be a charming, down-home good time, but it struggles to hit the right notes. It’s a song that never quite comes together.” – Adam Graham, Detroit News
“So let me hear an ‘Amen’ — or at least an ‘Okay.’ Admitted, ‘Joyful Noise’ is sweet and slow and overstuffed — but like those Sunday dinners it mimics, it also satisfies, if you’re not too stuck on yourself to let it.” – Stephen Whitty, The Star Ledger (How about a big, ol’ hell naw?)
Armchair Analysis: *cracks knuckles, loosens bolo tie* I’ve been waiting for this one. Have you seen the trailer for this soggy dump? It’s here. For starters, the acting just looks terrible. Second, Dolly Parton as a hip grandma? Awesome. Believability at its best. Above all else, though, someone has once again brought to us the equation of (insert random talent + overcoming a rivalry) x kids being the voice of reason = saving the rec center. In this case, it’s a church choir saving a church. Great job, Hollywood. Way to really redefine creativity.
Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 48% critics, 79% audience
Gratuitous Review Quotes:
“Contraband would be even more fun if filmmaker Baltasar Kormakur (star of Reykjavik-Rotterdam) could have figured out what to do with co-star Beckinsale. While Chris is committing piracy on the high seas, she’s left at home, being guarded by a twitchy pal of Chris’s named – uh-oh! – Sebastian (Ben Foster).” – Stephen Cole, Globe and Mail (Nobody puts Kate Beckinsale in the corner!)
“But darn it, I just couldn’t help having fun. The action goes all over the place, so that at one point Chris gets recruited into a Panamanian armored car robbery — the heist within the heist. (Actually, there’s yet another layer of theft, which I’ll leave the audience to discover.)”– Christopher Lloyd, Sarasota Herald-Tribune
Armchair Analysis: I love that in the commercials for this film, they say, “Mark Wahlberg from The Italian Job”. Because that’s basically what this is, a meaner, darker Italian Job, minus Charlize Theron, whose trash I would sleep in for 16 days just to tell people I was in the same zip code. Then again, Kate Beckinsale ain’t so bad, amiright, pervs? But Contraband, which I think will be a quite enjoyable film, has given us my latest nominee for the 2012 Taylor Lautner “Not if I find you first” Cheese Dick Line of the Year, when Giovanni Ribisi screeches, “Say goodbye to your wife!” Slays me every time.