Opening All Over Your Sister’s Dress: Project X, The Lorax, Tim and Eric’s Billion Dollar Movie, Being Flynn, Let the Bullets Fly [We Need to Talk about Kevin, in San Francisco at least]
FilmDrunk Suggests: Vince sort of liked Project X – in case you’re the one person on this planet who didn’t read his review – but since he hates my photoshops, I’m going to suggest Tim and Eric’s Billion Dollar Movie. But whatever you do, don’t see The Lorax, because it’s propaganda teaching our children that industry is evil.
Project X
Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 27% critics, 71% audience, 100% large-thumbed men
Gratuitous Review Quotes:
“Project X, a house party turned riot, actually isn’t much of a movie. It’s a slag heap of steals from similar films, roughly spanning the booger-flicking expanse from Animal House in 1978 to Superbad in 2007, with many explosive stops along the way.” – Peter Howell, Toronto Star (GRRRRRRRR EXPLOSIONS!)
“At an advance screening, the man beside me, the woman beside him, and another man in front of us were all working their cellphones throughout the picture. They were reading and sending texts (perhaps ‘I’m here sort-of-watching Project X’), justifiably confident that this movie is the perfect complement to such multitasking, that nothing on the big screen in the theatre would prove too distracting from the small screen in their hand. Occasionally, they would look up and laugh. Or not. Whatever.” – Rick Groen, Globe and Mail (*flips scarf*)
Armchair Analysis: You really should read Vince’s review, or else he’ll whip me. I haven’t seen Chronicle yet, but I’ve heard it’s great, so I’m not going to completely crap all over the “found footage” movie genre that’s been beaten to death by the likes of Paranormal Activity 1-70. As for the idea of Project X, I used to throw parties in high school while my mom worked the night shift at the hospital and I’ve had people kick in my door, camp out on my lawn and girls strip in my hot tub (#COOLSTORYBRO) so there’s a part of me that wants to see this… on Blu-Ray.
The Lorax
Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 56% critics, 85% audience, 0% Fox News pundits
Gratuitous Review Quotes:
“It’s pure agitprop, with no surprises and a title character — a mysterious creature who ‘speaks for the trees’ — that even Theodore Geisel seems to find a pain, describing him as ‘shortish. And oldish. And brownish. And mossy,’ who speaks ‘with a voice that [is] sharpish and bossy.’ Fortunately, the Lorax doesn’t appear in the book very much and you don’t actually have to hear his voice. As opposed to the movie, with its long and loud serenades in the unmellifluous New Jersey tones of Danny DeVito.” – David Edelstein, NPR (Ooh la la, someone reads.)
“Like ‘An Inconvenient Truth’ for the 12-and-under crowd, ‘Dr. Seuss’ The Lorax’ is a cautionary environmental tale with a thin veneer of entertainment on top.” – Michael O’Sullivan, Washington Post (Am I the only person who sees nothing wrong with teaching our kids to respect the environment?)
Armchair Analysis: I’m on board for almost anything Dr. Seuss (piss off, Mike Myers), especially if it has Danny DeVito. I want to have a kid just to take him to see this. Instead, I’ll take an 18-year old girl and offer her some popcorn. Spoiler alert: that’s my dong.
Tim and Eric’s Billion Dollar Movie
Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 42% critics, 67% audience, 1000000000% Burnsy
Gratuitous Review Quotes:
“Amateur is derived from the Latin word for love; Tim & Eric seem driven by a hatred of the audience and a wish to punish the same. Every episode of every sitcom I’ve ever seen is funnier than this movie, and I used to watch ‘Just Shoot Me.’” – Kyle Smith, NY Post (I want to kick this dude in the scrote.)
“You can take the comedy out of its sketch format, but it’s difficult to take the format out of the comedy. Even with the more traditional story arc, Tim and Eric’s style still favors short bursts of surrealism and self-contained set pieces, and the film is full of those, from a bizarre commercial for the mall’s new-age healing center, to a promotional video for Tim and Eric’s mall-revitalization campaign, to an occasional fourth-wall break for an ‘Understanding Your Movie’ instructional video. There’s an inevitable sag in the film’s middle as the strain of keeping things wacky begins to show.” – Ian Buckwalter, NPR
Armchair Analysis: If you haven’t already watched this movie on iTunes, you can finally see it in theaters. I absolutely loved it. It was incredible and I worship Tim and Eric for it. However, most people I know – dumbass critics included – were all “Meh” about it. Vince liked it, in case you didn’t read his review. He also likes Third Eye Blind, so take it for what it’s worth.
Let the Bullets Fly
Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 78% critics, 84% audience, 56% people wearing Jeremy Lin jerseys
Gratuitous Review Quotes:
“Even with three charismatic leads, the talky, convoluted nature of the cat-and-mouse between Zhang and Huang and their respective gangs is impossible to follow or care about, and the mix of identity comedy, cartoonish violence, philosophizing and grief over killed loved ones is hardly smooth.” – Robert Abele, L.A. Times
“The first and second things to be said about Jiang Wen’s action adventure, set in China during the warlord era of the 1920s, are that it is marvelously funny—a screwball comedy with more layers than a pearl—and visually sumptuous.” – Joe Morgenstern, Wall Street Journal
Armchair Analysis: I love Chow Yun-Fat. I like pretty much all of his movies. I can even watch Bulletproof Monk without cringing at Stiffler’s terrible fighting skills. Jaime King helps, too. I will move heaven and Earth to see this movie. Translation: Get it soon, Netflix, because I ain’t got another idea.