THIS WEEK IN POSTERS & STILLS: This week, I've got new posters and stills from Wes Anderson AND Quentin Tarantino, among others. Are you excited yet??? Here, try some cocaine.
This promo still for Wes Anderson's Moonrise Kingdom (Eeeep, my hipster boner is filling with Soy Chai!) is what Focus Features is calling "Vintage Team Photo." It may contain nearly-criminal levels of whimsy and a quality I like to think of as Wes Andersoniness, but I'll say this for it: At least they matched the goddamned names to the faces. You'd be amazed at how few posters do that. Still, it's no shirtless Bill Murray holding an axe and a bottle of wine.
Here's an official poster they made out of it. Notice how Bruce Willis's name is on the top this time? I bet that's not an accident.
You have to love the retro-ness of the poster for Tarantino's Django Unchained. (Does Tarantino do anything that's NOT retro?) It helps that he's one of the only directors around (and there are less than five) where you could put just his name on the poster and people would go see it. Still, I'm sad Will Smith isn't going to be in this, as originally planned. I imagine his face superimposed over this with "OH HELL NAW!"
Here's the Avengers cast at the premiere (nice shoes, Whedon, you f*cking dork), and holy God, there is so much Photoshop material here that I actually got sidetracked creating an entire separate slideshow. Boy, was that ever not worth the time. Anyway, I don't know whose face is better, Scarjo's walleyed Boston Terrier or Chris Evans' cartoon puppy:
Most Photoshoppable man in show business.
I know this post is supposed to be about making fun of stuff, but damn, this poster is badass. It looks like that Rasputin dude is about to own motherf*ckers. Here's the trailer:
Despite the distinct lack of ownage, I'm still intrigued.
"They messed with the wrong senior citizen." Indeed, it looks like this one can barely use Photoshop. On what planet does that look anything like Danny Trejo's torso?
By the way, this is the movie in which Danny Trejo plays Epic Beard Man. Have we talked about this yet? If not, it's because it looks pretty stupid. Memes shouldn't be movies.
Except for Winnebago Man, that guy f*cking owns.
(Burnsy here: Anyone else a little disappointed that doesn't say "señor citizen"?)
Hey, did you know they made a version of You Got Served for little kids? This was another one that sidetracked me for an entire post. They also made 19 posters for it. 19. No way am I posting all of them, but the gist of it is, the world is going to hell.
Screw kids, I'm sick of them ruling. I'm sick of pumping their egos until they all turn into monsters. I'm sick of children of celebrities being celebrated for their "swag." Guess what? If you're born rich, you don't get to have swag. That's just called being an asshole. I'm starting a new shoe company. It's going to be just like Tom's, only instead of giving shoes to poor Africans, for every pair you buy I'm going to steal one pair from Will Smith's kids and throw it at them. Yes, this is all related to this poster.
IN YOUR FACE, SUCKA! YOU CAN'T HANDLE DANCE MOVES THIS BLATANTLY AGGRESSIVE!
"Featuring RNG as The Showstoppers." Am I supposed to know what the hell any of that means?
Oh look, Robert Pattinson still can't open his eyes. And yet, still the least obnoxious member of the Twilight cast.
Psych! He doesn't play God in this one. I know the blue sky background and skyward eyeline may have fooled you, but this is actually a Rob Reiner movie. Remember him?
Reuniting with his director from the hit film, The Bucket List, Morgan Freeman plays Monte Wildhorn, a famous Western novelist whose struggle with alcoholism has sapped his passion for writing. He takes a lakeside cabin for the summer in picturesque Belle Isle, and befriends the family next door--an attractive single mom (Virginia Madsen) and her young daughters--who help him find inspiration again.
Well if there's one thing Morgan Freeman is good at, it's humbly discovering the meaning of life. He pointed to my chest and said it was right in there all along. I dunno, dude, it made sense when he said it. Maybe it was the freckles.
I get it, he's a camel jockey. As long as we're going literal, why not an actual towel on his head? Or some actual sand that he... you know, I don't know where I was going with that. Forget I said anything.
Courtesy of ThePlaylist, it's the first still from Hope Springs. I feel like my life would've turned out better if these had been my parents.
The project, penned by TV scribe Vanessa Taylor, reteams the actress with "The Devil Wears Prada" helmer David Frankel, following a long-married couple who travel to a small town to visit a famed relationship guru (Steve Carell) in order to save their marriage.
Will the guru be wacky? Will his methods seem unorthodox at first, but ultimately prove successful? Is Meryl cheating on Tommy Lee because he's lost confidence? Will he have to fake a relationship with a hot young model to win her back? ONLY TIME WILL TELL!
Those look like some real PARTY ANIMALS, am I right?
Here's a new promo still from Miley Cyrus's new joint, LOL. Is that Europe? Maybe she'll learn how to breathe out of her mouth there. How the hell was she a singer? I can't listen to that voice for more than five seconds.
"These goddamned teens and their parties!!"
Aw, you smoke fake marijuana too? You're the best mom ever.
"Ah, like, can feel yur hurt burt, ain't this the mos romantick thing ever, y'all?"
Sony has released a bevy of new stills from Men In Black 3, starting with this picture of
Hillary Clinton Emma Thompson as "Oh". Seriously, that's her character's name.
This movie better not turn into a 2-hour Overstock.com commercial.
"Don't ever question a man about his prostitute."
GET IT? GET IT? I was actually supposed to see this last night, but I had to record a Frotcast instead. I guess my Joss Whedon cherry will have to wait. All the nerds love it/are fighting about it already. What's new.
This is a documentary about Juarez, Mexico - AKA the most dangerous city on Earth. I hope it asks the question: How far will you go for great tacos?
Gee, this poster isn't screaming, "VANDALIZE ME!" at all.
Just your typical tale of boy wins NCAA wrestling championship, boy kills cop, boy goes to prison for 10 years, boy gets out, boy has to fight in an underground MMA tournament to absolve his friend's debt.
Spoiler alert: They talk about breasts but none are shown.
And now here are some new stills from Piranha 3DD.
Damn, check out the stump on the girl in the tube.
One of these two has to be too old for this sh*t.
In Premium Rush, Joseph Gordon-Levitt is a bike messenger who gets his hand on the wrong package. *points to crotch* Haha, I wish.
Studio exec: "Hmmm, Jason Statham must protect a girl from vicious killers? I like it, make it 10 times."
Now with more Blake Lively being double-teamed by drug dealers!
"Finally, a film about the 2002 Melbourne Cup horse race!" - Everyone ever
But where are the sparkling vampires?
And finally, here's a new still from the remake/reboot/retelling of Total Recall, starring Colin Farrell and Kate Beckinsale's attractive features.