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This Week in Posters: Charlize's Sassy Gay Crow, Kevin Spacey is a Chinese Superhero

By / 05.02.12
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I'm sure the poster designer for this was excited about his super clever idea - "the crow will be her mask, like an optical illusion!" On paper, it probably sounded great. In practice, something about that eye position, I can't stop picturing the crow as her sassy gay sidekick. "Oh. My. God. Queen, look at your hair. I am literally laying an egg right now, that's how freaking cute it looks. Quoth this raven: Caw! You're fabulous!"

Giggity. And just when I thought I couldn't get any more turned on, I read "Peter Sarsgaard."

Before you get too excited, remember that Amanda Seyfried says she'll never do "full frontal." Come on, babe, people are gonna start thinking you're uptight.

And here's the new poster for The Amazing Spider-Man, which Sony may or may not hate. I haven't seen the movie, but I can tell you I hate this poster and its stupid diagonal slant. Every crappy poster these days has the subject tilted diagonally like that. That makes this instantly recognizable as a trend follower, without presenting any internal logic as to why this should follow it. All it does is scream "I'M GENERIC!"

Much better. Not only is it not tilted sideways for no reason, it's got Spider-Man's arm as a phallic reference prepared to squirt hot webbing on bad boys. I've said it before, but if I was Spider-Man, I'd definitely hold my arm up to my crotch and pretend jack off while I shot web "jizz" everywhere. I'd be the "fun" superhero.


They definitely made this one look like it comes with a free NPR subscription, which tells you the audience they're going for. If it had been aimed at someone like me, they would've pitched it as a Game of Thrones spinoff.

Faced with her father's fading health and environmental changes that release an army of prehistoric creatures called aurochs, six-year-old Hushpuppy leaves her Delta-community home in search of her mother. [IMDB]

DAMMIT, MAN! TELL ME ABOUT THE AUROCHS!

Could be good, but my interest in any film reduces by 20% every time a critic quote includes the word "poetry."

A lady rides side-saddle! Dammit, Brave, We'll never marry you off without a hymen!

I really liked Cabin in the Woods, and I probably would've seen it a lot sooner if the marketing had given me any kind of indication as to what kind of movie it was. Lovers of tongue-in-cheek humor such as myself generally don't go in for films about pretty people with serious faces getting killed in the woods. I know the jenga cabins thing was supposed to be a clue, but no one who hasn't seen the movie would have any idea what the hell that was supposed to mean.

Does this look more like a Dead Kennedys album cover or a Megadeth album cover? Discuss.

(Not that that's a bad thing).

With a poster like this, you know the trailer is going to be awesome.

F*CK YES CHUMBAWUMBA! Oh, man. This could be even better than Kellen Lutz's gay lacrosse movie. He and Brandon Routh should team up to play star-lacrosse'd lovers. Whackety schmackety do!

"In theaters," uh-huh, suuuure it will be. Though I do appreciate the poster designer cropping out Christian Slater's 12-foot-long forehead. Christian Slater's forehead is pure nightmare fuel.

Personally, I think he'd look more evil if he was holding a baguette or something, but that's just me.

Eh oh, get a load a Barney Rubble ova heah, thinks he's a cowboy.

Is that a control-top flack jacket?

THREE CLIPS, AH! AH! AH!

Chuck Norris ain't wear no beret, cuz he's from 'MURICA!

Yeh, you's bettah believe Oy's got a flashloight, can't very wew see where Oy's shoo'in wivout a focken flashloit, now can Oy, Tommy. An' if da gun don' work, oy's got free ta foive focken frowin knoives ta stick da cunts wiv, now don' Oy.

Have you seen Terry Crews's trailer trailer for this yet? As far as trailers for trailers go, you'd be hard pressed to do better than Terry Crews screaming at people.

Nice scarf, bra. Shave one side of Dolph's head and he'd look like every Skrillex-looking chick in Williamsburg.

Rifle rounds are for pussies, real men wear shotgun-shell bandoliers.

Effete British men running around being scared of everything sounds terrible, but I enjoy disheveled Simon Pegg in his underpants. I guess you could say I'm torn.

You know, when you said "Giant Mechanical Man" I was not expecting a lost Friends episode.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA "BAKED SALE" HAHAHAHAHAHA.

I still can't believe Adrien Brody's in this.

Be honest, you just re-released It's Complicated with a different title, right? Come on, you can tell me, my mom doesn't even read this site.

Ha, Hawaiian shirt with skulls on it.

This is a Chinese movie, and yes, that's Kevin Spacey in there. I'm sold. Kevin Spacey should be in every movie. I just wish he wasn't so busy being the president of Space.

Again, and I don't wanna sound gay, but Kevin Spacey in a cape = instant must-see.

Yes, yes, a million times yes.

Here's Anna Faris with her short haircut in The Dictator. [via ThePlaylist] Look, it's not that some girls don't look super cute with short hair, it's just that every guy has a grandma who has one of those short-bobbed old-lady 'fros, so when you come home with a super short haircut like this, every husband or boyfriend secretly worries that it's never going to grow out again and he's going to be dating his grandma. We imagine there are 70-year-old guys everywhere who still remember that day as a turning point, the day their wife first turned into a grandma. We like your hair fine, we just don't want this to be that day.

With the short hair and the overalls, I'm envisioning a big make-over scene in the middle of the movie.

I still don't think this movie looks all that great based on what we've seen, but the way that chain and pendant makes it look like he has a woman's breast on the right is nothing short of genius.

Serious question: how the hell do you get boots like that on and off?

I can't tell if they're trying to cover up that Marilyn Monroe tattoo on her forearm with makeup or if she's in the process of getting it removed.

"Oh my God, I'm OBSESSED with Marilyn Monroe!" -Every dumb chick ever.

A few commenters told me I was uptight for not thinking this looks that funny, so let me explain the difference between this bit, and, say, the Running of the Jew, in Borat, since they're similar bits. The "Running of the Jew" scene in Borat is funny because they introduce the premise of the joke, and then they keep upping the comedy throughout the short scene. First they have something called "The Running of the Jew," then there's the Jew costume, then there's the idea that "the Jew" lays a giant egg, then the kids who have to "crush the Jew egg before it hatches." It's like six well-executed ideas in one bit. The running scene in The Dictator is a sort of funny idea, but it's really just one idea playing out slowly while you wait for it to get to the inevitable conclusion.

Hey, you know what's even less funny? Me explaining comedy bits. Remind me never to do this again.

Will Smith's face makes this look like the picture on the outside of a toy box. Buy this gyro-cycle! See how much fun he's having???

Also relevant:

[via Twitter]

"Ah SAID, I get older, they keep stayin' the same age! Whah cain't you understand that!"

[from Mud, via Playlist]

Looks like someone's coon hound treed a gator. Something like that.

Fun fact: the director of this film has been nominated for two Oscars. This... is one of the worst posters I've ever seen.

"What if it was like Snow White, but Thor was there chopping the shit out of everyone with axes?" -the pitch for Snow White and the Huntsman.

Is there anyone less believable than Kristen Stewart in the role of Joan-of-Arc-esque swordswoman? Betty White, maybe?

Whitney Houston's passion project, featuring Cee Lo Green doing his "motown guy" voice, which I must admit that I enjoy immensely.

Does Derek Luke's weird speech impediment bug anyone else? It's like he puts a phantom extra syllable in every word.

[posters via IMPA]

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TOPICS#THIS WEEK IN POSTERS
TAGSAmazing Spider-ManDIAGONALEXPENDABLES 2LOVELACEMen In Black 3MUDsnow white and the huntsmanSPARKLETHE DICTATOR
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