I’m not going to lie, this might not be the strongest Comments of the Week week. There was plenty of funny, but not enough nominating, and I wasn’t as on top of keeping track of it all. BUT! But, it was a banner week in Weekly Weirdo Watch. I must be getting better at SEO, because the stragglers were pouring into old posts over the weekend. If these bore you, feel free to say so, but I’m endlessly fascinated by the people who create user accounts simply to charge full tilt at 6-month or two-year-old posts like Don Quixote’s windmills, brandishing poorly spelled lances and mistranslated… uh… armor (sorry, that metaphor succumbed to torture).
First, Charles Volcher was very angry with Courtney Love in COURTNEY LOVE SAYS THE MUPPETS RAPED HER from January:
Charles Volcher: YEA GONZO USED HIS NOSE IN HER TW*T AND THEN IN HER RECTUM
Charles Volcher: IN OTHER WORDS COURTNEY GET A F*CKEN LIFE YOU BITCH
The Evil Twin: Courtney Love gives people like Yoko Ono a bad name.
(in Reply) Charles Volcher: Not only Courtney gives Yoko a bad name also Debbie Harry and Celene Dion
I liked that Charles Volcher seemed to think that The Evil Twin was just naming famous blonde singers that Courtney Love gives a bad name to. Did he think Yoko Ono was a blonde singer? Or did he just see The Evil Twin’s Yoko joke, accept it, and then change the subject to blonde singers whom Courtney Love was giving a bad name to? Either way, sublime.
Then there was a Mel Gibson defender from one of the Mel Gibson/Joe Ezsterhas posts from a while back:
Yaso: Wow..everyone now seems to have a story on Mel!! SO WHAT if he hated Jews?? so what?? it’s sickening to distort and destroy person because he doesn’t like group of people…does he try to kill or harm them or something?? Go MEL and lift you head up high
I love that Yaso applies general “you go, girl!” logic, even in the face of anti-Semitism. Just keep on hatin’ Jews, Mel! Don’t listen to the haters! Except yourself, because you’re only human, dammit!
Then we had a Miley defender (at least the post was current this time):
gie: So this this Man who provably like MILEY CYRUS father already ACTS LIKE AN OLD MILEY CYRUS BULLY! My goodness you allowed yourself to act like the greatest bully in the WORLD…Your disgusting OLD MAN. MILEY CYRUS is 1 billion better than you! Your nothing but a bully! If you dont realized your action, YOU BETTER GO BACK TO SCHOOL AND LEARN SOME MANNER & RIGHT CONDUCT, YOU OBVIOUSLY LACKING,,,
Man, I love poorly-spelled rage.
And rounding out your Weekly Weirdo Watch, it seems someone out there was Googling Tori Black, and decided to comment on the 100,000th result even though it wasn’t porn:
sachertorte: WTF?? She married (or not?) and had a kid with this big ugly-ass thug??!! This woman could be a MODEL if she wasn’t a porn star; what gives? Low self-esteem? Was she doing crystal meth or something? Tori, get into rehab, dump the troll, and get back to work!!!!
“Tori, on the off chance you’re reading an eight-month-old post about you on a movie-humor blog, heed this advice….”
Anyway, on to the Comments of the Week. Tough choice this week, but I’m going to give the nod to newcomer “demapples” in
demapples: ‘POOP DECK’: Steven Seagal stars as disgraced admiral Dave Poop, thrown out of the navy for crapping his pants during the gulf war. But his chance for redemption comes when he least expects it…whilst on a cruise with his family, terrorists take over the ship. Dave Poop must overcome his bout of food poisoning, prise himself off the toilet, and exorcise some demons.
What can I say, I enjoyed “Dave Poop.” So Demapples, on the off chance that you wear a men’s Medium or 3X, please, email me and collect your FilmDrunk Shirt. By the way, one of last week’s winners still hasn’t collected his or her The Artist/21 Jump Street DVD. Marshall Fox? Nussy? Bueller? Last chance.
Onto the honorable mentions:
Jessolido: “And after I heard this I did start to think of some other things he had said, like he said to me his Dad worked for Nintendo, and he could totally hook me up with a Powerglove for free and I started to think well maybe this guy is a pathological liar.”
Jessolido: “And after I heard this I did start to think of some other things he had said, like he said to me his bro Trevor is a big-time TV reviewer and he has screener copies of the new season of The Wire and I started to think well maybe this guy is a pathological liar.”
From Jim Carrey thinks “Dumb and Dumber To” is a no-brainer:
Dingus: Jim Carrey: I think we should do a Dumb and Dumber sequel.
Studio Exec: That’s the dumbest idea I’ve ever heard.
Jim Carrey: No, that’s the dum best idea you’ve ever heard. Zing!
Studio Exec: (*chuckles*) Ok, where do I sign?
From Pictures of Meryl Streep looking hot in high school:
Ace Rimmer: Pretty blonde … vivacious … Many talents … Where the boys are
It was such a much more pleasant and genteel age, see how nicely they went about calling her a total slut?
And finally, from Woody Allen got twitter-roasted:
Larry:
“Siri, call Mia Farrow.”
“OK Zooey, I will call you a pharaoh.”
That was beautiful. Anyway, thanks to all the commenters and all the weirdos, let’s go out there and have ourselves another humorous week. As always, if you read a comment that you find particularly clever, copy and paste it in the comments section below to nominate for next week’s comments of the week.