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New Twilight trailer has the fruitiest-looking vampires yet

By / 06.20.12

AH LUFF YEW, BALLA! AH AM YER HOSE BEND AND NOW YEW ARE MAH VAMPAHR!


The trailer for the Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2 is out, and while part one focused on Dawn as a metaphor for Bella’s hymen, the latest chapter focuses less on Bella and Edward’s relationship (GRRR, ABSTINENCE-INDUCED FEATS OF STRENGTH!) and more on their conflict with the Volturi. The Volturi are pissed about their baby, presumably because they named it “Renesmee.” Make your money now, Stephenie Meyer, one day you’ll be paying a class-action suit against all the white-trash kids named Renesmee.

After the birth of Renesmee, the Cullens gather other vampire clans in order to protect the child from a false allegation that puts the family in front of the Volturi.The astonishing conclusion to the series, THE TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN, PART 2, illuminates the secrets and mysteries of this spellbinding romantic epic that has entranced millions.

And Taylor Lautner is also there for some reason!

Much as I enjoy ripping on Stephenie Meyer and her crappy writing (ONCE UP ON A TAHME, THER WUZ A BEAUUUUTIFUL GIRL, AND HER NAME WUZ “BEAUTIFUL SWAN,” AN EVERBODY LUVED HER…), the direction (from Oscar-winner Bill Condon) and production design are just as bad. Their concept of “good” and “evil” never escapes the context of a Mervyn’s ad (OOOH, GRANDMA, WHAT CLEAN HAIR AND SKIN YOU HAVE), and even the baddest of the bad characters just sort of look like Nebraska strip-mall goths.

Also, the Volturi are worried about their vampire clan being found out? Aren’t, uh… the RED F*CKING EYES everyone has kind of a giveaway? Seems like that would be a bigger concern. Or the fact that their leader dresses like a gay drum major in a White Stripes video.

“Maintaining our secret has never been more imperative.” (*guy with back-length hair opens his floor-length, mink-and-purple cloak, revealing his bedazzled rhinestone corset and matching gold belt buckle that says “VAMPIRE”*) “Thanks to your dumb baby, everyone knows we’re vampires!”

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TOPICSTRAILERS
TAGSSTEPHENIE MEYERTaylor LautnerTwilightTWILIGHT SAGA BREAKING DAWN PART 2

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