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Weekend Movie Guide: The Greatest Sequel In The History Of This Earth And Others

By / 08.17.12

Yes. Even better than Iron Eagle 2.


Opening Everywhere: The Expendables 2, ParaNorman, Sparkle, Cosmopolis

FilmDrunk Suggests: The Expendables 2. It’s the greatest sequel in movie history. In fact, there’s not even a point in having a Weekend Movie Guide because you should already know to go see this.

"I will insert this knife in you, and then maybe I will be naked in front of you, too, yes?"


The Expendables 2

Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 65% critics, 90% audience

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“Yeah, yeah, I get it: ‘The Expendables 2′ is a fun-loving throwback to the gloriously bad action films of the 1980s. Here’s what I don’t get: Why couldn’t it be a throwback to the good ones?” – Rafer Guzman, Newsday (SHUT THE F*CK UP, YOU F*CKING GIRL.)

“‘The Expendables 2′ arrives jam-packed and fully loaded with main man Sly Stallone still leading the charge, followed by that wild bunch of aging brawn.” – Betsy Sharkey, L.A. Times (Preach on, you wonderful girl.)

Armchair Analysis: It’s the greatest sequel in movie history.

Something for everyone, am I right, fellas?


ParaNorman

Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 86% critics, 76% audience

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“I hate children and would rather they watch Shrek 12: Fat Green Recycled Joke.” – Vince Mancini, Child Hater

“Chances are most kids, and most adults, will find “Paranorman” perfectly horrible in the best possible way.” – Tom Long, Detroit News

Armchair Analysis: In case you missed Vince’s review, he hated ParaNorman [false! I only mostly disliked it! -Ed], and that’s unfortunate. I have been looking forward to this film – preachy or not – for quite some time, and I shall see it and make my own opinion with a panel of children afterward for ice cream. No, it’s totally cool, those charges were dropped.

I would have gone with Cleavage.


Sparkle

Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 55% critics, 77% audience

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“Often seems like a flat, straightforward Supremes biopic in its adherence to seemingly pointless scenes and exposition.” – Sara Stewart, New York Post

“’Sparkle’ trafficks in the same gorgeous Motown style — sonic and visual — that made the original film, and ‘Dreamgirls’ after it, such delectable fun.” – Ann Hornaday, Washington Post

Armchair Analysis: How long until the “Whitney Houston deserves a posthumous Oscar” talk starts up? Here’s a pissy “STOP IT” in advance. Also, “HURRRRRR Sparkle stars Jordin Sparks HURRRRRR.” Haha, good job, clever people.

Wow, Kristen Stewart is a bitch.


Cosmopolis

Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 63% critics, 45% audience

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“David Cronenberg meets Don DeLillo at last, and it’s as if all the angels of heaven have come together. And said nothing.” – Kyle Smith, New York Post (“OH SNAP,” yelled Kyle Smith to his cat.)

“It’s like a dream that engages and drifts, until waking with a start in a finale that’s as bracing and raw as the rest of the film is coolly distant.” – Scott Tobias, NPR

Armchair Analysis: I’m going to see this just for my B-before-H solidarity with Robert Pattinson.


TAGSCOSMOPOLISPARANORMANSPARKLETHE EXPENDABLES 2WEEKEND MOVIE GUIDE

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