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Your Mid-Week Guide To DVD And Streaming: Affleck Shrugged

By 02.19.13

Sushi Girl

The cast of this gritty B-movie ‘grindhouse’ flick is chock full of genre favorites, including Tony Todd, Mark Hamill, Jeff Fahey, Michael Biehn, and of course Danny Trejo. What’s really wild, though, is who they got to play the lead: Noah Hathaway.   That’s right, kids.  After an almost twenty year hiatus, the icon who portrayed Atreyu in The Neverending Story is back on screen. As for the quality of the film, meh, I could see it go either way.  I mean, sure it looks like it could be okay, but there’s no getting past the fact that their lead character is played by a former child actor who hasn’t worked in two decades. When they cast him they were probably just as surprised as I am that he’s even still alive.

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Junior High Spy

As you’ve surely guessed, this is a lower-rent version of Spy Kids. But it has something that that film does not: The Dove Seal of Approval!  Wait, strike that.  They both have the Dove Seal of Approval.  In fact, both films have exactly 3 out of 5 Doves. So how can we tell which is more wholesome and therefore deserving of our praise?  There’s really only one way, kids, and that is for us to compare Dove’s content warnings: ‘SEX: Kissing between the mom and dad (Spy Kids). Husband and wife kiss (Junior High Spy). LANGUAGE: Stupid (SK).  Big Dummy (JHS). VIOLENCE: A character is thrown through a glass window (SK). A father and son horse around and a glass table is broken (JHS). NUDITY: Cleavage (SK). Cleavage (JHS). OTHER: A discussion about a girl skipping school several times without telling her parents (SK).  A boy tries to pretend he did his homework when he didn’t but his mom knows it and boy confesses (JHS).‘  Holy sh*t, these flicks seem identical. In fact, the only significant difference between the two reviews is when the Dove review of Spy Kids warns that ‘pig intestines are part of a dinner one evening’.  I’m guessing they mean tripas, a meat used in Mexican cuisine, and there’s no real reason to warn viewers about that, unless what Dove is really trying to do is passively-aggressively warn them that the characters are Mexican.  So Dove is a little racist, I guess.  There’s a surprise.

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A Talking Cat!?!

This is the latest family friendly animal flick from twinks-in-trouble auteur David DeCoteau.  Watch the trailer below and, if you’ve watched even one trailer for any of his soft-core gay porn 1313 flicks, you may recognize the house that DeCoteau evidently uses as the main setting for all of his films.  Definitely do watch this trailer, by the way; it’s fantastic and the effects used to animate the talking cat (voiced by Oscar-nominee Eric Roberts) are simply amazing.  Speaking of Roberts, I’m not saying he should’ve given this role more effort, but it is pretty obvious that he phoned his performance in. Literally.

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Snow Shark

With a title like Snow Shark, you’d be forgiven for thinking this is simply Sand Sharks but without the obvious benefit of showing girls in bikinis, but you’d be so wrong.  Despite the lack of scantily clad women, this film has something Sand Sharks never even tried for: sincerity.  Whereas Sand Sharks and its ilk try for a campy, humorous approach, this film is deadly serious in its desire to frighten you.  The problem is, the entire production -from cinematography, to acting, to music- has a ‘workplace safety video’ vibe that is just so charming in its well-meaning ineptitude.  Even the snow shark is inevitably lamer –and yet, somehow, more clever- than you’d imagine.  The whole experience is like the cinematic equivalent of a mentally handicapped chick:  You aren’t really interested in it/her, but you know that they both mean well and they are trying their best, so even though you know you aren’t really interested, you’re still going to enjoy the blow job you trick them into giving you.


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