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Enjoy a Phallic Breakfast with This Gross Egg Dildo Thing

By / 07.03.13

Infomercials are comically stupid and this is common knowledge, but the Rollie Eggmaster Colon goes a little too far for me. The premise is: eggs are hard to make. No. No, eggs are one of the easiest things to make. You don’t have to be a great chef like Julia Child or Guy Fieri to pull off an egg because, chances are, even if you mess up trying to cook your egg one way, you’ll land on some other acceptable egg type. Left your softboileds on for too long? Still edible. No time to cook the yolk all the way? Sunny side those mofos. Etc, etc. No one says “you could make risotto in this heat,” they say “you could fry an egg in this heat” because ALL IT TAKES TO COOK AN EGG IS HEAT AND A SURFACE.

So if you think eggs are hard to make (and don’t even bring up poaching), you can watch this video with sincere interest as your twins (Haydin and Jaidyn) scratch up your linoleum in their morning fight over whose Angry Birds shirt is whose. For those of you with a cursory knowledge of heat and surfaces: bask in the stupidity.

“If you can make toast, you can make a mouth-watering Rollie™ treat!” What they don’t mention is that if you can enjoy a Rollie™ treat, you can’t experience love or self-awareness or ever really know another human being, and that anyone seen with one of these dick-shaped egg tubes on their plate is considered an enemy of the state. Also, can someone please dub this commercial so that every time an invisible hand (because, really, this is a late-capitalist product emerging from a late-capitalist mindset) slowly pulls an egg turd out of the Rollie™ Butthole, we hear a leather daddy coo out a gravelly, satisfied moan? Because that—or a fistful of anthrax—is the the most appropriate accompaniment to this embarrassing garbage. This may come as no surprise, but Rollie™ is HQ’d down in Miami Gardens. For Florida, From Florida.

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TOPICS#FLORIDA
TAGSdildosINFOMERCIALSMORNING LINKSROLLIE EGGMASTER

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