Bryan Cranston Plays Lex Luthor And Ben Affleck Plays Batman In 'Man o...
Looks Like RJ Mitte -- AKA Walter Jr. -- Had A Good Time At His 21st B...

Defamer Publishes Supposed 1st-Hand Account of Corey Feldman Drug Orgy

By / 08.27.13

Our newfound fascination with Corey Feldman started a few weeks ago when Burnsy discovered his video for “Ascension Millenium,” and it’s only been heating up since then. Vice published a must-read account of Feldman’s 42nd birthday party last week, and today, Gawker subsidiary site Defamer ran a first-hand account of an orgy at Feldman’s place, which, as we’ve recently learned, is known as “The Feldmansion.” I can’t decide if he has the worst publicist in the world or the best.

Feldman-Vice-Tweet

Feldman’s sub-tweet to Vice


As the newsman in Zoolander might say, “Ugly protesters bothering beautiful people. You hate to see something like that at an event like this.”

Today’s Defamer account, published under the pen name (which is horseshit) “Lila Whitney” and entitled “I Accidentally Went to Corey Feldman’s Orgy” is… well… see for yourself.

Unlike many former child stars, Corey aged very well. He’s still hot and has all of his hair.

Which helps explain how I ended up at an orgy at his house.

Does it? To who? I feel like you’ve skipped a few steps there.

Like many orgy stories (I think), this one starts with me out at the club by myself. It’s maybe two years ago. I’m going to see a promoter I know, and planning on running into a few acquaintances. To my surprise, I run into a casting director, Paul. (His name is not Paul.) I’d met with Paul a few times, though he never booked me for anything. He tells me he’s Corey’s roommate. Paul’s very impressed with himself for being roommates with Corey, as if it makes him more f*ckable. He tells me that they’re having a little party once the club closes. He invites me.

Club promoters, casting directors, orgies at Corey Feldman’s house… Jesus, I feel like I’m in The Canyons.

I walk upstairs toward the bedroom. On the landing past the stairs, Paul’s assistant is on her knees, performing oral sex on another girl. I watch for a few seconds in shock and a little bit of awe, jealous of her perfectly-waxed vagina. Then I look up and see Paul, who tells me that this isn’t just a regular party.

It’s a sex party.

I’ll take YOU to the bank, Senator.

The Blood Bank.

I head into the bedroom, where I find Corey using drugs and hooking up with a group of girls. He has an industrial canister of nitrous oxide with cartridges that look like giant bullets. I think, this ain’t no Reddi Whip—isn’t Corey sober? He’s always on television or in People talking about his higher power.

But in Former Child Star Land, apparently N20 is Jesus Christ. He must be really into nitrous because this wasn’t the kind of equipment you could just buy at a headshop or from a drug dealer.

I included this part solely to applaud her* metaphors and exhaustive scientific research. *(“her”)

Paul offers me some molly. Although everyone else at the orgy is rolling, I just want some of the coke in my purse. Using nitrous oxide and molly is completely crazy and beyond the boundaries of even my own drug use. Of course, I take a few hits anyway.

“And today in Unnecessary Prefacing…”

I take a another hit of nitrous and then take off all my clothes.

“Hey, a-Corey! Why-a you make-a di girl take-a di nitrous? Canna you see she no like-a di drugs? Stop a-thinkin a-with you a-cannoli, you make-a you mama cry!”

Paul says to Corey, “Isn’t she hot?” He says yes, and we kiss. Corey has a sick body. There’s a reason why he was on so many magazine covers. He starts to finger me. He’s awesome with his fingers. A few more minutes and I might come.

Tell me more, Corey Feldman’s publicist. Does he have an exquisite peener? Did his awesome sex remind you of how great an actor he is? Does the transition from nitrous face to sex face provide you a full glimpse of his dramatic range? Is he a surprisingly employable lover? TELL ME MORE!

Then Paul comes up to me and he starts to hook up with me. He leads me to the bed, where Corey is f*cking another blonde who’s hotter and has a better body than me. I watch them have sex. I’ve never seen anyone else actually have sex in front of me before.

Paul finishes with me and I notice two other girls on the bed making out. One is Paul’s assistant. We catch each other’s eyes and start to make out. It’s the first time I’ve kissed another girl, but she’s so hot, and if I’m going to do something I’m not entirely comfortable with, I’m glad it’s with her.

Suddenly, Corey stops f*cking the hot blonde and tells her to change the song on the CD. Bewildered by the request, and the circumstances, I start to listen to the music. It sounds vaguely familiar. I realize Corey has requested to hear his own CD. He’s having an orgy and listening to himself sing at the same time.

It goes on like this for a while. Eat your heart out, Snowqueens Icedragon.

On the way out, I pass a room with a drawing taped to the door. It says “Zen.” That is the name of his 9-year-old son. It must be his room.

At this point, the coke has worn off completely. I think to myself, this is the home of a young boy. Corey’s son will come home from his mother’s house at some point and be totally unaware of the debauchery that occurred feet from where he lays his head to sleep. Corey will make the bed and wash the sheets. He’ll clean the cocaine off the mirror in his bathroom. It’ll be as if it never happened at all.

Lila Whitney would like readers to know that she stopped using drugs after this incident. She can be reached at lilawhitney@gmail.com. Defamer reached out to Feldman and “Paul” for comment on this story, and never heard back.

I really hope Bret Easton Ellis wrote this whole thing, it’d make me love him even more. Or it could very well be that we’re in the midst of a Joaquin Phoenix-esque media prank, and that this one might actually work. Hold me.

BEE-Lila-Whitney

[pic via Getty]


TAGSChild ActorsCOREY FELDMANFAN FICTIONFORMER CHILD ACTORSPOSSIBLE FAN FICTIONPOSSIBLE SATIREshenanigans

I want more like this!

Follow us on Facebook and get the latest before everyone else.


Join The Discussion


[avatar]

Join the discussion. or Register





Powered by WordPress.com VIP