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11.25 The Cooler

Comments of the Week: You Guessed It….

By / 11.25.13

Frank-Stallone-Comments-of-the-Week

Well this won’t be the most suspenseful COTW post, but before we get to this week’s obvious winner, let’s take a look at some of your best contributions and comments from the past week.

Fresh from his failed cash grab at Cannes, “all-time windiest Hollywood blowhard” James Toback took time out of his busy feeding and grazing routine day to tell The Playlist how much more interesting Robert Downey Jr was  “right after 11 months of prison with about 200 dicks sucked in return for a lot of crack.” If you’re looking for context for that remark, well, good luck, but props to One More Gun for trying:

 1997, Robert Downey Jr. escaped from Shawshank prison. All they found of him was a set of muddy clothes, a bar of soap, and 200 dicks, all damn near worn down to the nub. I remember thinking it would take a man six hundred years to suck 200 dicks. Old Robert did it in less than 11 months.

Meanwhile, Chino has an itch for something way worse than crack:

I don’t know if this makes me interesting or not, but I’d suck 200 dicks for a McRib.

British songpigeon Susan Boyle’s life is being made into a movie, with Meryl Streep rumored for the leading role. Not so fast, says Mydixin:

I see Peter Dinklage playing a young Susan Boyle. As she ages, it’s still Peter Dinklage, just wearing bigger dresses while sitting on Donnie Wahlberg’s shoulders.

In the week’s most disturbing yet inspiring story, Belgian researchers discovered the herpes virus on library copies of Snowqueens Icedragon’s masterwork, 50 Shades of Grey. After a quick bath in hand sanitizer, plenty of folks had things to say:

Stinky Pete

This might explain why in Belgium, they refer to abortion as “paying your late fees”.

Sounds like the card catalogs aren’t the only things in Belgian libraries with dewey decimals.

Raptor Bacon

Excuse me miss, are you an overdue library book? Because you have herpes written all over you.

Verbal Kunt

So that’s why people told me they were sorely disappointed when they read the book.

Patty Boots

Herpes? I would’ve guessed diabetus and cat hair.

The runaway thread of the week concerned Warner Brothers registering a bunch of working titles for their blockbuster Superman vs Batman movie. As usual, I like the FilmDrunkards suggestions way better:

Watanabex

Batman VS Superman: In the Steel of the Knight

MickTravis4Life

Bruce & Dick & Clark & Lois

Al

Man of Automobile: Dark of the Moon

FilmDrunk favorite Jennifer Lawrence showed up in the latest trailer for the awesome-looking American Hustle. If you thought J-Law was confused by her new “science oven,” Kungjitsu was even more perplexed by Christian Bale’s reaction:

If this is set in the 70′s why didn’t he punch her in the mouth?

Speaking of taglines, Peter Dante’s racial epithet-laden tirade at a Santa Monica hotel got Ace Rimmer thinking Dante might have missed his calling:

I’m a black belt and you’re a black person

Tag line for Rush Hour III: Rush Harder.

Speaking of racial insensitivity…. wait, that was last week… anyway, USA Today caught a world of hell for their tone-deaf headline about the surprising box-office performance of Best Man Holiday. But even before the paper picked up on the story, word was out on the street:

John Wayne in a Devo Hat

Everyone was talking about this movie over the weekend, especially in the theater while the movie was playing.

Any other week, that would have been your winner, but this week FilmDrunk was graced with the presence of a true Hollywood power broker. If you missed the story (and if you weren’t a FilmDrunk reader, you would have, as no other media outlet covered it), Frank Stallone put himself up for auction, offering a New Year’s Eve performance for the bargain price of $20,000 with proceeds to benefit the Wounded Warrior Project. Apparently Mr Stallone’s manager is not a believer in the old saw, “there’s no such thing as bad publicity,” as he took great umbrage with what he perceived as the irreverent tone of the article:

Frank Stallone’s Manager

As Frank Stallone’s rep, I see and hear a lot of negative things about him that we’ve learned to look past, sometimes merely based on considering the source. But seeing this “blog” by Ashley Burns that’s just designed as a pointless, negative attack on Frank – for doing something fun – seems to be where my ability to “let it go” ends. Ashley’s twitter bio says he’s the “male version of Liz Lemon,” so I guess some leeway could be given to someone who defines himself by a fictitious character. He also calls himself a “joke maker” yet it’s ironic that Ashley demonstrates no sense of humor in this scenario. As a “blogger” and self proclaimed “joke maker,” he had an opportunity to really do a funny and interesting story regarding the fact that Frank Stallone put himself on the auction block on Ebay. Instead, Ashley and UPROXX chose the low, unfunny, attack road and I don’t understand why.

What irritates me even more is that Ashley didn’t check one fact, has no idea what the story is behind the auction or why it’s now extended, and obviously just wanted to ride the recent bash Stallone SEO wave and get some attention. When I went to the UPROXX contact page to see if I could get in touch with their braintrust, wouldn’t you know it that every email link listed for each editorial staff member is a broken URL? Go figure.

I challenge UPROXX and Ashley Burns to defend this pointless attack for something good that Frank is trying to do. What did he ever do to you? At least a few of the reply posts have some humor – glad to see people picking up on the $1 shipping fee. “Groundloop” – as intuitive as you think you are, it’s pretty obvious that the seller account “StalloneConcert2014” has zero feedback because it was just created for this event. Why is it so important to find something to slam? Frank is a Golden Globe and Grammy nominated, multi-platinum and gold record selling artist. He has 3 major new songs coming out in a big film next year. Do you think guys like him go for cheap? New Year’s Eve is a big night for entertainers and getting someone of his caliber is a bargain at $20K. You know how many corporations and city events drop $50-100K in entertainment fees for their holiday parties? Have any of you haters – “Verbal Kunt” and “Karribiner” – ever even seen Frank’s show? Do you even know what he does on stage for over 90 minutes with a kick-ass band? Do you even have the balls to post your real names and explain why Frank deserves to be slammed and insulted by you?

None of you even know the story behind the auction posting because Ashley Burns gave you an “opinion” that’s unfounded, unsubstantiated and indefensible. “DarjeelingFan” clearly knows Frank’s views on Russia and, funny thing…someone from Russia did try to bid on him but missed the deadline. It doesn’t mean that Frank won’t end up actually making that deal, but it does apparently mean that Ashley gets to jump to conclusions that Frank got no bids and publish an attack on him for it. And all the haters fell for it. While I’m at it “Peter Roh” – whether you’re being sarcastic or not, I’m glad you like that little addition at the bottom of the Ebay listing that clearly defines what “expenses” are required, because it cost a few hundred in attorney fees. When will people learn that there is always more to the story? It’s unfortunate that real journalism has been pushed aside for “blogging” which is sometimes a license to hide behind a keyboard and guess facts. I’m all for people having opinions but at least be like “Incredible Tulk” and give someone a chance. You’ll find yourself saying “who knew?” a lot more.

That, my friends, is the kind of manager you want. Don’t choose your guy based on useless bullsh*t like how many auditions he lands you, or what rooms he gets you in, or how generous he was with the lube during your interview. You want someone who is going to earn that 15% of your income by hunting down any less than glowing mention on the internet, writing you an inspiring 650 word defense, coming back and replying to more comments, and then engaging the author on Twitter for good measure.

With the short week coming up for the holiday, I’ll be back in two weeks to distribute the back slaps and ass pats. As always, be sure to nominate your favorite comments below. You can find this post by clicking the link on the right sidebar, or on the daily Morning Links posts.

[image via WireImage/Getty]


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