Since I had to be exposed to this, you do too. So innocently did I go from browsing Tumblr for GIFs of big beautiful women eating peanut butter, to involuntarily picturing Will Smith’s perfectly manicured seven pound hancock ooze out a wild wild load into Jada’s bagger vance [SMILEY FACE LIKE IT'S TOTALLY COOL]. Yeah, people have sex and it’s beautiful/grotesque like all things bodily, and I shouldn’t be revolted by Big Willie’s straightforward style. I mean, what Willennium is this?! Cannot celebrities express their anguish at the passing of time, their pursuit of happyness? No, because Will Smith isn’t people. He’s a pop figure entitled to unholy cultural esteem and Bel-Air princedom, but gods don’t fart and act bashful and tell us they’re about to exchange their magic crotchspit and pop out some bad boys, too. Plus his kids are documented wieners hitching towards independence day after day. I prefer to discover celebrity pregnancies from tabloids while I congratulate myself for being patient in the CVS line. With this kind of transparency, soon we’ll be tracking the stars’ boners and watching their afterbearth flop to the floor.
The Morning Links
REVIEW: ‘Thor: The Dark World’ is the Three Stooges of Superhero Movies |FilmDrunk|
This Craigslist Ad for an ‘Upcycled Ladder Shelving Unit’ is the Most Brooklyn Thing Ever |Uproxx|
Move Over C-Tates, Chris Pratt Used To Be a Male Stripper, Too |Warming Glow|
You Can Now Vote for Which Fighter Will Make the Cover of EA’s UFC Game |With Leather|
‘Call of Duty: Ghosts’ Lifts Scenes Directly From ‘Modern Warfare 2′ |Gamma Squad|
No Old Friends: Turk Airs Out “B*tch N***as” Birdman and Lil Wayne for Ignoring Calls After Father’s Death |Smoking Section|
Nation’s Bullies Break Down Richie Incognito’s Tactics |Kissing Suzy Kolber|
28 Bizarre College Classes |Uproxx Video|
Raekwon remixes Lorde ‘Royals’ |death&taxes|
‘Better Call Saul’ Might Actually Be a Sequel |Videogum|
Why Do You Build Me Up, Buttercup? 4 Rumors That Might Let You Down |Pajiba|
And Courtney Stodden’s DTF Already #YOLO |The Superficial|
Crazy Morphing Magic Table Surface is Mind Blowing |The Chive|
Charlie Sheen’s Twins Are Violent Sociopaths in a ‘Zombie-Like State’ |IDLYITW|
Justin Bieber Pays for Brazilian Sex, Is a Heavy Sleeper |BroBible|
This Week in Facebook Idiocy |Guyism|
The Best Movies in the Public Domain |Ranker|
How to Make a GIF Without Photoshop |BuzzFeed|
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