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Comments of the Week: The Longest Fortnight Edition

By / 12.30.13

After taking a week off to consider the inside of my bathroom from every conceivable angle, I’ve managed to shake off the Bangalore Slow Rot my kids gave me for Christmas, and stand ready to hand out the back pats and ass slaps to the best comments from the last fortnight.

Before we get into the funniest contributions, let’s take a moment to appreciate those who, caught up in the spirit of Festivus, took to the comments to air their grievances. The preposterously named Vin dropped by to defend his take down of Rodrigo Perez’ review of The Hobbit: You Kids Sit Down Or I Swear I Will Turn This Eagle Around, which Vin and a bunch of other angry fans hadn’t actually seen yet.

Vince, your article sucks. Reviewers were upset that the -Rodrigo Perez guy writing for indiwire,,came off as completely dismissive and negative of the whole Tolkien world. He doesnt like them. He makes it cear. Which BTW are fantasy masterpieces of literature and award winning movies. If he was just an anoymous blogger like yourself noone would care. But he’s writing for Indiiewire -a popular filmsite ,So he is of no use to people who love and know the Tolkien movies or just, frankly, want to read informed, objective educated movies reviews in general. They are not upset that the he didnt like the film -(which is the premise of your blog),They are upset it was such a poorly written, uninformed, and most importantly unobjective review. Think before you type Tinkerbell.

I always thought of Vince as more of a Jiminy Cricket type, but that’s still some quality hate. Not to be outdone, firestarter Snowman88 worked himself up to a fever pitch and let us know that nobody disrespects his mad love Drew Barrymore:

Hey JChez you know what i like is to comment on useless pieces of trash like you jealous of drew barrymore’s success as one of the greatest actors of her generation…LOL.

Sorry, JChez, he’s just not that into you, though any defense of her body of work is just wishful thinking. I spent my entire holiday producing better looking turds than that.

Now onto the good stuff. Just like the self-righteous negative review police, DNP Priapism didn’t need to see The Hobbit to get deep into Peter Jackson’s head:

(in response to Foxy Grandpa‘s snowstorm-related excuse for not seeing the film opening weekend)

DNP Priapism

peter jackson would like to buy the movie rights to your weekend

In case you missed this last week (and if you did, please forgive me for telling you about it now), there is now a trailer for the latest documentary about Justin Beiber. Thankfully, it doesn’t spoil the ending, which I desperately hope they gave to Peter Jackson to direct and involves things being thrown into volcanoes:

Kazoshay

I can’t wait until all his friends leave him broke trying to OD on drugs until he realizes he’s actually Vanilla Ice’s Looper.

Al

Some times you have to take matters into your own hands and piss in a bucket.

Elsewhere, Hugh Jackman has been linked to Warner’s gritty reboot / origin story of Peter Pan, saying a smelly, hairy pirate who abducts small children is the role he was born to play. Speaking of smelly and hairy things….

Crapbasket

Blackbeard is the name of my go to merkin.

I’m sure Burnsy will have his eye on that one when he starts looking for next year’s worst films. Meanwhile, his list of 2013’s worst efforts included some truly terrible cinema, though Martin knows that can change depending on how you look at it:

Olympus Has Fallen is great if you pretend it’s just 90 minutes of COD cutscenes.

We’ll have to wait until 2015 to see Paul Walker’s final role in Fast 7, according to Vin Deisel’s marvelous Facebook page. But it was the conspiratorial little aside that Diesel threw in at the end of his announcement…

- P.s. He’d want you to know first…

…that got a few folks to scratching their heads:

kazoshay

Paul would have wanted it this way. Except of course for the being dead part.

Disney has a new film coming out about a couple of young Indian men who strike it rich, and shockingly it is not a gritty reboot / origin story for Aladin. Instead they’ve got John Hamm trying to teach cricketers how to play an actual sport in Million Dollar Arm. It sounds ambitious, but Larry doesn’t think Disney is trying hard enough:

Sure, they could have called it Slumdog Million Dollar Baby Arm, but Disney hates Oscars.

In yet more trailer news, I’m thoroughly perplexed by Kevin Costner’s new picture, Draft Day. On the one hand it sounds like an NFL version of Moneyball, which was upbeat… except this one is set in Cleveland, so that means it has to be a tragedy, right? Maybe commenter Balls of Steel has it figured out:

At what point in the movie do the players create a stand-up poster of Jennifer Garner and peel off pieces after a victory?

Finally, in my favorite story of the year, Shia Lebeouf’s empire of existential buffoonery came crashing down around him as he was found to have plagiarized everyone from Daniel Clowes to Charles Bukowski to Yahoo answers. As he prepares to face the legal implications of his thievery (I assume his defense will involve long passages memorized from Robert Kardashian’s autobiography), the Internet had an absolute field day, nowhere moreso than in the FilmDrunk comments:

Dick Reckard

Good artists copy, but great artists copy and paste.

Verbal Kunt

These Shia LaBeouf stories are like Batkid. They never get old.

irishda

I want to make a snarky comment about this, but then Shia would just use it as a comeback against me later.

Verbal Kunt again:

I’m pretty sure that it’s just because his mom f*cked a parrot.

The Luchador

Maybe he doesn’t have a keyboard?

othellomcbane

I’m still saying it’s an audition tape for Lar’s Von Trier’s next film, Klept( )maniac.

I had a really hard time picking one favorite from those, so I tried to ask Shia himself for his opinion. Unfortunately, he was unavailable, as he’s still trying to shake off the Bangalore Slow Rot his kids gave him for Christmas. Let’s just call it a win for everyone involved, especially Shia’s lawyers.

It’s another short week coming up, so look for the next COTW post to go up two weeks from today. Until then, may the guy or girl you wake up next to in 2014 be at least as good looking as the one you went to bed with on New Year’s Eve.


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