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‘London Bitches Falling Down,’ And Other Clever Title Nominees From The AVNs

By / 01.17.14

Nipple-Erector

Greetings from Las Vegas, FilmDrunkards. I’m here hanging out at the Adult Entertainment Expo, tooling around waiting to attend Saturday night’s AVN awards, also known as the Oscars of porn. While most film writers are at the Sundance Film Festival, watching the children of immigrants bravely trying to assert their burgeoning sexuality to their old world parents or whatever, I’m here taking pictures of elaborate sex swings and vibrating nipple clamps while bikers clamor to get a picture with Tori Black (she looks fantastic, incidentally). Whereas Sundance denied my press credentials two years running, on the grounds of “inappropriateness” (2010 – 2011, when I went anyway), the porn world welcomes FilmDrunk with open, er,  arms (not surprising, I suppose).

Tori Black, with a fan.

Tori Black, with a fan.


So far, it’s been mostly like Comic-Con, only with Fleshlights. Wait, check that, Comic-Con already has those. Okay, so more like Comic-Con, only with weirdos shuffling around trying to take pictures of porn stars. Wait, hold on… Okay, I guess the main difference here is that the porn stars aren’t trying to sell you video games. Oh, and one guy I saw, a small man with a mustache about my dad’s age, had a badge that said “MISTRESS THICK.” I Googled “Mistress Thick” and her Twitter bio describes her as the “Ebony Scat Queen.” Maybe the guy was her handler? I don’t know. So much I’m learning, and so much still to learn.

At this point in the post, I was going to list the AVN Award nominees as some kind of preview, and I wondered why I’d never done that before. Then I looked at the list of nominees (link NSFW). Holy wall of text, Batman. I stopped counting at 55 categories – which was about halfway down the page – and each category has 15 nominees. You might want to do a text search to see if your sister got nominated for those pictures I took through her window because pretty much everyone else who has ever taken their clothes off is represented. By contrast, the Oscars has the option to nominate 10 best pictures and still only nominated nine, probably just to make their Inside Llewyin Davis snub even more of a thumb in my eye.

Anyway, instead of listing all the awards, I thought I’d just skip to the Clever Title section like always, because that’s what we’re all looking for anyway.

Place your bets now, which one of these will take the title from last year’s winner, “Does This Dick Make My Ass Look Big?”

Cirque du Hole-A, Seymore Butts/Pure Play

Cray Cray Vajayjay, Black Storm/Monarchy/Vantage

Come on Mom, Zero Tolerance Entertainment

Cream Filled Japanese Fur Burgers, Third World Media

Gag Gift, Red Light District/Pulse

Gone Black … Not Coming Back, Sticky Video

London Bitches Falling Down, Porno Dan/Pure Play

Look Dad, I’m in Porn!, Team Skeet/Pulse

Misleadeing Teenagers Into Anal Sex, Anal Industries/Juicy

My Hairy Sugar Walls, AMK Empire/Exile

My Pussy Ain’t Gonna Lick Itself, Hustler Video

Pump’r in the Dumper, Pink Visual/Pulse

Slut Bottom Chris Meets the Prostate Assassins, Severe Society Films

Trustfund Trannies, SMC/Pulse

Vags With Badges, Lethal Hardcore/Pulse

Wow, so hard to choose a favorite here. “London Bitches Falling Down” is such a great play on words, and an even more specific fetish. But “Come on Mom” appeals directly to my love of lessons on the dangers of omitting the direct-address comma. And of course, “Slut Bottom Chris Meets the Prostate Assassins” is blushworthy in its directness, which is always a good strategy for porn. And dare I say it, educational?

Anyway, that’s about it for now. Nothing much else weird to report, though I did get to watch a topless lady read from Billy Crystal’s autobiography:

Topless-Billy-Crystal

She also had a Jurassic Park tattoo on her shoulder, which I thought was pretty badass. Thanks to friend of the Frotcast Lee Roy Myers for the inside scoop on that one (“Topless Girls Reading Books” is a WoodRocket.com web series, in case you were wondering).

More weird stuff to come, hopefully, inevitably.

-Vince


TAGSAEEAVN AWARDSAVN CLEVER TITLEREPORTAGE

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