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Weekend Movie Guide: ‘The Monuments Men’ Protect Art, Not Make It

By / 02.07.14
"And I, of course, will be the most handsome."

“And I, of course, will be the most handsome.”


Opening Everywhere: The Monuments Men, The LEGO Movie, Vampire Academy

Opening Somewhere: A Fantastic Fear of Everything

FilmDrunk Suggests: Vince did not like The Monuments Men, which upset me because I just expect to love it. But I’m way too distracted by The LEGO Movie to care. LET’S ALL GO SEE IT TOGETHER!!!

"But I don't see the spaceship anywhere."

“But I don’t see the spaceship anywhere.”


The Monuments Men

Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 33% critics, 55% audience

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

This is a solid albeit slow-building film with few dull moments. – Richard Roeper, RichardRoeper.com

Clooney’s obviously going for old-school charm and camaraderie here, but the first half of the film is so scattered, and the characters are so lacking in specifics, that a sense of group bravado never feels earned. – Tom Long, Detroit News

Armchair Analysis: Everything about this movie that should never matter, from the critical reviews to the February release, has been bothering the hell out of me. I didn’t even read Vince’s review or check out the comments to laugh at the miserable people complaining about his negativity, because I want so badly to like this movie. I know I’m in for disappointment, but I just don’t want to admit it.

It's great because it looks just like Channing Tatum.

It’s great because it looks just like Channing Tatum.


The LEGO Movie

Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 97% critics, 91% audience

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

A manic and surprising comedy inspired by toys that has more imagination and creativity than all the Transformers pictures combined. – Rene Rodriguez, Miami Herald

A movie that’s fast-paced and silly with enough throwaway clever in-jokes for their accompanying adults to justify a second viewing. – Liam Lacey, Globe and Mail

Armchair Analysis: I’m way too excited about this movie. I’m just such a stupid LEGO nerd, even though I ironically do not own any LEGO sets. I’ve thought about this a lot, and the reason is because I know that people don’t think adults should own toys, but I just want one specific LEGO set that I can build and keep until it’s time to yell at my son for touching it.

Sara Hyland's agent might be bipolar.

Sara Hyland’s agent might be bipolar.


Vampire Academy

Rotten Tomatoes Scores: N/A critics, 77% audience

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

Only a fraction of the scores of attempted jokes work, but it’s still funnier than it has any right to be. – Roger Moore, McClatchy-Tribune

Mark Waters’ ‘Vampire Academy’ is a tedium of heavy exposition, tired pop culture humor and some of the lamest vampires ever… – Brad Miska, Bloody Disgusting

Armchair Analysis: The other night, The Soup had a clip of Zoey Deutch on The View talking about Vampire Academy, and I wanted to post the interview but it ended up being the one time that I gave a damn that The View hasn’t updated its YouTube page in 5 months. Regardless, bless her heart, Zoey is really taking her media rounds seriously for this movie, despite it looking incredibly terrible. You know, if America’s teens are ever actually attacked by vampires, they’re screwed. So I hope it happens.

Does he have a fear of pants? Because gross, bro.

Does he have a fear of pants? Because gross, bro.


A Fantastic Fear of Everything

Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 36% critics, 37% audience

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

The effect eventually becomes that of about a dozen story pitches all strung together. Any one of them might have the potential for greatness in isolation. Try to mash them up into one movie, though, and much like Jack, they fall to pieces. – Ian Buckwalter, NPR

Exasperation eventually morphs into unrelenting pain, and there’s not a single, solitary laugh to be had. – Trevor Johnston, Time Out

Armchair Analysis: Man, I thought this movie looked, well, fantastic, but those scores are horrendous. Oh well, I heart Simon Pegg anyway.


TAGSA FANTASTIC FEAR OF EVERYTHINGTHE LEGO MOVIETHE MONUMENTS MENVAMPIRE ACADEMYWEEKEND MOVIE GUIDE

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