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Man Wants Florida To Recognize His Marriage To His ‘Porn-Filled Apple Computer’

By 05.05.14
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Have you ever noticed that homophobes and fundamentalists have great senses of humor? Yeah, me neither. In the latest attempt at jocular bigotry, a Nashville man (or a Florida man, depending on which source you believe) has intervened in a case that seeks to force Florida to recognize legal gay marriages performed elsewhere. Chris Sevier has filed a motion “on behalf of other minority sexual orientation groups” that would allow him to marry his “porn-filled Apple computer.” Obviously, the brand of the computer is very relevant.

In the 24-page document, Chris Sevier says that if gay couples “have the right to marry their object of sexual desire, even if they lack corresponding sexual parts, then I should have the right to marry my preferred sexual object.”

That’s always the go-to gay marriage opponent diss, isn’t it? Where they try to prove how ridiculous the idea of gay marriage is by coming up with something even more ridiculous? But it always rests on the assumption that we should care about some dope in Florida marrying a tree stump or whatever. Sorry, bud, no sale! Marry a cat turd for all I care! Take pictures with it and smear each other with cake!

Recently, I purchased an Apple computer. The computer was sold to me without filters to block out pornography. I was not provided with any warning by Apple that pornography was highly addictive and could alter my reward cycle by the manufacturer. Over time, I began preferring sex with my computer over sex with real women. Naturally, I ‘fell in love’ with my computer and preferred having sex with it over all other persons or things, as a result of classic conditioning upon orgasm.

A classic case of conditioning upon orgasm, of course. I think that happened to me in the shower once.

If that last part sounds familiar, it’s because, yes, Chris Sevier already attempted to file a lawsuit against Apple, him being somewhat infamous for these silly lawsuits. Sevier was from Nashville back then, but now the New Times Broward Palm Beach is referring to him as a “Florida Man,” I assume mainly for SEO purposes.

A Chris Sevier sued Apple because it sold him a computer without telling him about the evils of porn. A Chris Sevier sued A&E after it fired Duck Dynasty‘s Phil Robertson after he was caught spewing antigay talk. And just recently, a Chris Sevier tried to butt his way into Utah’s gay marriage legal case. In a 50-page motion, he claimed he was there to make the court “put up or shut up” on the gay marriage issue.

That Chris Sevier was, according to his suit, “an EDM, electronic artist, in a musical group called Ghost WARS.” And, according to the Facebook page linked to this Model Mayhem profile for a Chris Sevier from Nashville, looks like this totally not-gay man (center).

Sevier’s filing is obviously an attempt to punk the legal system because he doesn’t agree with gay marriage (as he says in the filing, “sexual orientation” never existed as a classification until President Obama came along to advance his “social agenda to make America a ‘gay nation.'” [NewTimesPalmBeach]

Who would’ve guessed that the guy who wrote that wasn’t a 70-year-old pastor of a snake-handler church, but a scrubbed and coiffed fashionista wannabe musician? It really is a rich tapestry. Sadly, Sevier, who, incidentally, was also accused of stalking country star John Rich (“One of the emails included a picture showing a scantily clad Sevier draped in an American flag and covered in a substance “believed to be representing blood,” his warrant said.“), isn’t actually allowed to practice law, according to a posting on TechDirt.

As a whip smart and deadly handsome commenter pointed out back in July, Sevier’s license to practice law has been temporarily revoked and placed on “disability inactive status,” which basically means the court finds him (at this point) too mentally incompetent to represent others in the legal arena.

Fun times. It seems this guy is either completely out of his mind, or cannily trying to become a psuedo-celebrity solely through appearances in the “Odd News” and “Florida” sections of various publications. I think I’ll pass. I barely know who the guy is and his lawsuits are already getting self-referential.

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TOPICS#FLORIDA
TAGSCHRIS SEVIERGAY MARRIAGEPORN

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