It’s time again for another streaming column, full of lil’ in-jokes and hilarious puns. Around here they call me Big Pun, hit you with the big guns. I think the fella who originally said that is dead (cross him off then!), but we’ve still got some twerk to do, and by jove, we’re going to do it. We’re going to talk streaming until we’re blue in the balls.
But first one housekeeping note about the column. Right now I’m not totally sure if I’m recommending / panning streamers that came out just recently OR doing the same job on titles you should look for in the week to come. So I’m sort of middling it here, meaning if I go back to May 1 to grab a title (when I’ve already talked May 1 last week) and jump forward to May 10 to prep you, well we’re all just going to have to deal with that sort of continuity error, Back to the Future style. That’s the price we pay for living in the go-go ’90s. I should also note (so I will) that Netflix and other streaming outlets stack the beginning of the month, which is why we never have anything to talk about near the end. Today as I was researching (wearing a lab coat), I came up with 25 titles I could legitimately talk about, but then in two weeks I’ll be cracking wise about some third-world streamer no one has ever heard of (or will hear of again. We’ll OWN the SEO on that title around these parts). I highly doubt Mr. Vince is going to let me do a 40,000 word streaming column, because that would be chocked full of editing errors he’d let appear in the article so as to undermine our relationship. I don’t want that, I want us to love one another, in the way that only people who correct other people’s typos in a comments section can.
Anyway, that’s all. Streamin’ time!
Top Netflix Streamer of the Week
Kill Bill: Vol. 1 & 2
I’m the only one who likes the sequel better, I thought it was more INTELLECTUAL, but they are both tops. “That woman deserves her revenge”. I have a painting in my living room of Kill Bill (pictured below). If you take Inglorious Bastards out of the equation, Vol. 2 is my favorite Tarantino film ever. I don’t know why you’d do that, or why you’d have an equation for my Tarantino likes in general, but maybe you’re just the sort of person who has millions of equations all over your walls and this is just one more for your collection. Weirdo.
Streamability: For real, tho.
Old but New to Streaming Netflix Movies for the Recently Born
Still surprisingly watchable, Sneakers features vintage Redford and a blind guy who figures out where he was kidnapped and moved to using only playback recordings of the road sounds. That’s dope. There’s also a little ditty about encryption (STILL RELEVANT) and fake online dating. This film has something for everyone, including your pet rabbit. We’ve all got one.
Streamability: For king and country!
New Streaming Title Only I Like
Completely lost to the sports movie annals of time, Diggstown was underrated then, and it’s underrated now. It might not even be rated, period. But James Woods is slimy and great, plus Louis Gossett Jr. gives a performance good enough to finally make LG Sr. proud. Boxing, gambling, small-town idiots – you’ve got to watch Diggstown. It’s a bit predictable and cheesy, but for a Friday night with the dog dreaming beside you, this is a surefire winner.
Streamability: I mean, how good is this week? Yes!
Another New Streaming Title Only I Like
The Legend of Bagger Vance
Completely lost to the sports movie annals of time, The Legend of Bagger Vance was underrated then, and it’s underrated now. It might not even be rated, period. But Matt Damon is slimy and great, plus Will Smith gives a performance good enough to finally make Mr Banks proud. Golfing, drinking, small-town idiots – you’d got to watch The Legend of Bagger Vance. It’s a bit predictable and cheesy, but for a Friday night with the dog dreaming beside you, this is a surefire winner. Also, Charlize Theron does a horrific Southern accent, gotta be seen to be believed. Melting like butta on a hot muffin!
Streamability: I’m sure everyone hates it but I don’t care. Get your own outsourcing company that records your voicemails and then types up columns for you.
The Bad, The Bad, and the Ugly
Pain & Gain
Such a joke, Michael Bay took an interesting true story and jacked it all up through adding less interesting plot points. It’s as if I gave you a warm chocolate chip cookie and you decided, “You know what? This needs some French’s Mustard!” That would be idiotic, and I hope French’s Mustard doesn’t pull its sponsorship of this column. They have a fine product. Just not with cookies.
Streamability: The color palette is interesting and I always enjoy the sweet stylings of El Rock. That’s not a hell of a lot to hang your hat on though.
On GooglePlay, $12.99 [$12.99? Are you outta your mind?]
Streaming Title of the Week I Just Barely Remember
St. Elmo’s Fire
Probably a halfway decent film, at least for that era. And like Less Than Zero it has a song not enough people play on the radio anymore because it’s all Ryan Seacrest and Big Country instead. Really, I just picked this title so I could embed the song and sing it to myself as I rustled up this column. I’m a man of many peccadillos. Also, this seems to have been available for a bit back in 2011. And now is again? Netflix is really inscrutable.
Streamability: Dunno. I’ll turn it over to the jury. DO YOUR JOB.
Another Streaming Title of the Week I Just Barely Remember
Adventures in Babysitting
Elizabeth Shue was a real deal hot lady, and if she were my babysitter the only adventure would be in my shower. Heeeeyooo! Then later she did Leaving Las Vegas in what we in the industry call “the patience payoff”.
Streamability: Probably. I think everyone has fond memories of this film, boyz and girlz alike.
Thanks for reading friends. Only a week left to support my doomed Kickstarter!