Last week we here at “Stream ‘Em If You Got ‘Em” we missed a few titles. What the heck, amiright? In order to provide a positive customer experience, I’ve decided to address why these particular films didn’t make the “cut”, or, depending on where you’re from, maybe they just weren’t up to “snuff”:
Johnny Mnemonic: I prefer Max Headroom.
1941: One of Spielberg’s worst.
Barbershop: This was a legitimate miss. I feel regret.
Black Mama White Mama: Never heard of it, and I’ve heard of everything. Fact.
Carrie: Too many prom scenes.
Cold Mountain: Looked boring.
Ishtar: Rated 4.1 outta 10 at IMDB. Honestly, that might a good thing.
Anyways, thanks to alert reader “Martin” for pointing out these oversights. It won’t happen again, at least not with these movies. Now on to this week! Which is exciting! You can tell because I’m using so much punctuation!? As per normal, we’ll start with the streaming Netflix and then segue into the paid streaming rentals. Indubitably.
Top Netflix Streamer of the Week
World War Z (June 13)
I’ve never been a huge zombie guy. I like the comedy stylings, but once you get past Resident Evil on Playstation the serious ones sort of lose me. But this one didn’t. Perhaps because it’s a pandemic, or maybe it was that dreamboat Brad Pitt – whatever the case, this film largely worked for me. Oh sure, there was some stupidity, such as when Pitt’s family became the focal point of the movie, but in general the film has great pace (not like that California Chrome … heeeyoooo, timely sportz jokes!).
Streamability: If you haven’t seen it, give it a shot.
Netflix Streaming Remake
Bonnie & Clyde (June 10)
They remade this, but for the TV. It had all the people who were available, Emile Hirsh, Sarah Hyland, and something called “Holliday Grainger”. Ha ha, no, I kid, someone named Laremy can’t really be in the business of knocking other folks for their nom de film. Plus she was Lucrezia Borgia in “The Borgias”, a show that I miss in a big way. Mostly, I just think Bonnie and Clyde knew how to party. We’re missing that these days.
Streamability: Maybe it will be that kind of weekend for you. Just virtually pop this one in and wait for someone to come home and catch you in the act.
Netflix Curio of the Week
One Direction: Clevver’s Ultimate Fan Guide (June 10)
I have nothing but questions. Why would I need a fan guide for a band that’s been around ten minutes? And what makes something the ultimate version of said fan guide, ideally using specific examples to show how crappy other non-ultimate fan guides are? One Direction are clearly a menace to ears everywhere, but I do sort of like that “Story of my Life” song. Could be Stockholm Syndrome. Or it might just be that the song rooooooccccckkkks, even if the rest of their ouvre is junk.
Streamability: Hell no, we won’t go!
Streaming for Father’s Day / Movie Only I Like
Legends of the Fall (GooglePlay, AmazonInstant $2.99)
My dad is no longer with us, but if he was I like to think that he’d have a little chalkboard and write stuff to me whenever I returned home. Dreamer? Sure. The only one? I think not. I could watch this and The Last of the Mohicans on repeat for days.
Streamability: It’s just an epic movie, y’all.
The Bad, The Bad, and the Ugly
Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit (GooglePlay, AmazonInstant $4.99)
This film was fairly terrible, but only in the sense that it had no idea what it was doing. Like a drunk guy who stumbled into your motel room, knocked over a lamp, tried to kick the bed for being in the way, and then passed out with the phone underneath his groin. Tarnations, even that guy has more of a clue, at least went down kicking. Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit wanted to be a secret agent man movie. But it also wanted Keira Knightley prominently involved augmented with Harrison Ford growling a lot. There’s an actual scene in this film where the good guys are trying to steal something while Keira’s knee deep in trying to distract / seduce the bad guy. Sigh. Remember that method? You know, from every movie ever?
Streamability: Hard pass.
Non-Stop (GooglePlay, AmazonInstant $4.99)
Technically speaking, this should be horrid. You’ve got your Liam Neesons hamming it up, an airplane, and the most typical action set-up and trailers you’ve ever seen. “I’m not trying to hijack the plane! I’m trying to save it!” Okay bud, why don’t you get back into your seat until they turn off the seatbelt light, k? I was on a flight last weekend where a guy yelled at another guy for moving his bag around in the overhead compartment. This was in Newark (Slogan: Just like New Jersey, but amazingly worse!) and tempers were running high. “Don’t move my bag!” “Hey, I’m trying to help this lady!” Unfortunately, they never came to blows. The yelling guy stayed seated and the “helper” guy laughed it off. In defense of the yeller fella, once you get that seatbelt on it’s pretty hard to get back up. Apathy and thrombosis are a worthy foe.
Streamability: Oh, sure, go ahead. No judgment. I’m feeling charitable.
I want more like this!
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