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Writer’s Room: What’s Your Dealbreaker Movie?

By 06.17.14
Deal-breaker-Lemon

NBC Universal


We recently brought you the story of a woman who supposedly divorced her husband because he didn’t like Frozen.  I suspect there were a lot more problems with their relationship than a disagreement over a snowman movie (that’s what Frozen‘s about, right?), but it did get us to thinking: Are there movie opinions that, in and of themselves, could be considered a dealbreaker? (Shout out to Liz Lemon). Many of us have probably gauged our compatibility with certain members of the opposite sex based on cultural preferences, like enjoying the same music or movies. Maybe we’ve even gotten into long-term relationships based on shared tastes, and found out that both loving the Coen Brothers might not be the ideal foundation for lasting love. As a friend once remarked, “When I was 23 I wanted a girl who liked all the same things I did. These days I’ll settle for ‘nice.'”

Respecting your mate’s shitty taste because you’re compatible in much more important ways, like communication style and propensity to throw things, just seems like the more mature way to live life. Still, there have to be some things, some tastes that are just beyond the pale. Likes or dislikes that reflect such poor taste that they surely must be red flags for more serious character defects. You couldn’t date a Nazi, could you? That’s the way I feel about Limp Bizkit. So for our latest Writer’s Room, I asked a few other writer types for their “Dealbreaker Movies,” movie opinions in others (be it a like or a dislike) that they absolutely could not tolerate in a significant other.

This week’s panel includes Sh*t My Dad Says/Surviving Jack’s Justin Halpern, internet shtick genius PFT Commenter,  comedy writer Julieanne Smolinski (@BoobsRadley), our favorite glib lesbian Heather Dockray, SchmoesKnow Editor In Chief Mark Reilly, and yours truly, Vince Mancini, the world’s most powerful hip thruster. Enjoy.

Justin Halpern: Lost In Translation

This is going to be a really unpopular opinion, but if you SWEAR by Lost In Translation, you’re probably going to be someone I hate. I don’t think it’s a terrible movie by any means, and if you like it just fine, then I doubt we’ll have problems. But there’s something about the people that sift through this movie like they’re planning on reciting it for a bar mitzvah, that just drive me crazy. It’s one of those movies where people get mad at you if you call it a movie, instead of a “film.” Even though there are more jokes about Asian accents in this movie than if it were written and directed by Seltzer/Friedberg. Anytime anyone makes a movie about twenty somethings searching for the meaning of their life, you know there’s going to be a giant subset of f*cktwits that go “OH MY GOD THAT’S ME TOO I AM JUST LIKE SCAR JO SHE FEELS THE UNIQUENESS OF BEING ME.”

F*ck you. You’re twenty four. Maybe I just hate twenty four year-olds. That could also be it.

Inception-JGL

Warner Bros


Julieanne Smolinski: Inception

If pressed, I guess I have to say that I could never make it work with anybody who liked the film “Inception.”

I’ve never felt more like I was being large-scale gaslit than when theatergoers had any other reaction to it than, “We should find out who wrote that, and burn down his house.”

I think what really bothered me about it was that it was a deeply silly idea that asked you to pretend that is was really very smart. If you ask people who liked “Inception” to explain to you what happens in it, they will start talking very confidently, then become increasingly panicked, like incest-murderers on “Law and Order” whose alibis unravel under the penetrating gaze of Ice T.

It also makes me very sad how seriously everybody in the film “Inception” seems to take the film “Inception,” which is — again — very silly. Marion Cotillard is probably one of our prettiest human people, but when she recites her lines, she sounds like one of the upsetting-Asian-stereotype cats from “Lady and the Tramp.” I also think Leonardo DiCaprio is a very talented actor, but this role was one of the many in which he relies pretty heavily on what we’ll poiltely call “some worryingly intense eyebrow stuff.” Honestly, sometimes I expect his forehead furrows to come whizzing off with a loud PING! like overly tight viola strings. And poor Ellen Page, whose character exists purely to ask silly expository questions. “Can you really build a prison of memories?” Uh, I’m living in one right now, Ellen.

I ask you: Has Christopher Nolan ever had a dream? Being asleep is one of the few truly universal human experiences and he was unable to come up with a vague simulacrum of what having a dream is like. It’s like if you made a movie about chefs but everybody in it “ate” by pouring boiling food into their eyes and ears.

Listen, I realize you asked me what movie would prevent me from dating somebody who liked it and not “What movie from 2010 did you intensely dislike, and don’t say ‘Marmaduke.'” So let me explain why I could not date a person who liked “Inception.” First of all, I imagine that we’d occasionally have sex, and I’d have to stop the sex a lot to go, “Really?” Of course, I’d be referring to the fact that they liked “Inception.” I imagine this would get old for both of us.

Look, a lot of people liked this movie, and I wish that I didn’t find them all sexually repellent. What does it have to do with my real life, or anyone else’s? Nothing. Obviously pleasure is subjective. Thinking this film is not a black-out-rage-inducing waste of human time is just an opinion. Just like enjoying fried onions or thinking it’s fun to expose yourself to people on trains.

I feel bad denigrating a piece of writing because it is hard work and it is also an achievement to make a film. I’m sure Christopher Nolan is a very nice and hardworking guy and I wish him no ill. If I ever meet him at a dinner party I will probably be very polite, although I may ask his wife if she saw Man of Steel and if so, if she has to pretend he is someone else when they have sex.

Rudy

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PFT Commenter: Rudy

Im not a movie guy Im more of a film type guy.When Im talking bout “All 22″ Im not talking about the male cast of the new Sahsa Gray picture or whatever Im talking about seeing what shows up on tape after NFL Sunday.

That said, Im pretty tolerent of whatever taste in movies my date/escort/stranger girl sitting next to me in a movie that Im trying to make out with has. With one acception: Rudy.

Rudy is Rocky for people who think Sylvester Stallone was to ethnic and flashy. They basicaly adapted a Dropkick Murphys song into a screenplay and made the main character short instead of drunk.

Rudy wasnt the biggest guy but he wanted it so much. It goes to show you that in sports you dont have to be big, strong, or good to be good at football. You just have to be a average white guy whose not afraid to speak his mind. If you dont like “Rudy” well theres the door but to be honest by the time my shirt come’s off and they see my “Ruettiger 45″ jersey tattood on my back its to late for them to really say any thing about it so to bad so sad for them.

Rudys the one movie Ive seen that makes me cry cum and fight all in the span of 2 hours and by god if thats dosent sound like the perfect first date this was probly never going to work out between us anyways.

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