If you’re a serious Ahnuld-file like myself, you might remember that back in April, Arnold (pictured above in his smallest golf cart) took to his official Facebook page to ask us fans which stories he should include in his impending memoir. Because when you’re Arnold Schwarzenegger, you’re too busy being awesome and getting chicks pregnant to remember your own life. Doers do, homey, yolo. Being in the 99th percentile of Arnold fandom myself, I submitted my own suggestion:
Well now, his memoir, Total Recall: My Unbelievably True Life Story, is set for October 12th and even has its own movie trailer. By the way, that title is bugging the crap out of me. Shouldn’t it be “Unbelievable True Story?” It’s not just unbelievable and true, it’s UNBELIEVABLY TRUE! I guess both wordings are equally hyperbolic oxymorons, but “unbelievably true” is like a brain scab I can’t stop picking.
Here’s the pitch from the trailer:
If my life was a movie, no one would believe it. The directions I’ve chosen, the careers I have conquered. I started out as a bodybuilder from Austria, and became the strongest, most muscular man in the world.
But, I had bigger dreams. I wanted to be in movies. I came to Hollywood, and within a decade, I was one of the biggest action stars of all time.
Then, I took the greatest gamble of my life. I went into politics. I became governor of one of the largest economies in the world.
I went from being the Terminator to being the Governator. But this story you know. Are you ready for the story you don’t?
There is no public figure of my generation with a greater cult of personality than Arnold Schwarzenegger, and the fact that he seems barely able to comprehend it himself is the best part. He can do whatever he pleases, simply because he’s Arnold. Acting? Not very good, but it doesn’t matter, he’s awesome because he’s Arnold. Politics? Ditto. That he describes himself becoming governor with a meaningless soundbite like “I went from being the Terminator to the Governator” is such perfect Arnold. That’s not even PR, I bet he actually remembers it that way. It’s that almost perfect lack of reflection that makes him so charming. And what better format for a guy with a near-total lack of reflection than a memoir? I really hope it’s just a book of pictures with a corresponding audio track of Arnold describing them in literal detail.
“And heah I am in Rio wit da reportah and da mulattos ah dancing, and I am telling heur how much I like deyah mullato ass because of how much I like mulatto ass. Okay, and heah is me, I am putting da carrot into da mouth uff da reportah, and heah she is biting da carrot. Ow! Dat heurt…”
[the trailer is here, by the way, sorry I couldn’t embed it]