We must be putting something in the banner ads, ’cause you brought your long-form game, FilmDrunkards. Whether you’re working together as a dysfunctional team, or just spouting out bizarre monologues from your high horse, you’ve given me a lot of content to cover. Never fear! I know these routes like I know your mom’s happy trail—too well. We’ll get through these Comments of the Week just fine.
Let’s start with the relentless marathon of jokes that was the Heaven is for Real review thread:
Stallonewolf: “It’s a divisive paean to a bogus cultural divide created by a coalition of opportunists who don’t mind making money selling that same poisonous lie, the arms dealers of a pointless culture war. F*ck these people.”
Jeez, Vince, are you a crucifix? Because you seem a little cross. (*high fives Christ; stigmata makes whistling noise*)
A+ for the stigmata incorporation.
The Flattest Eric: Does Reilly take out dem thangs? Because, if not, they really screwed up on this one. The best evidence for the existence of a God is tig ol’ bitties.
Or, The Resonance of the Oral Stage in Sexual Spirituality.
Hobo Spices: Nothing proves the afterlife quite like the eyewitness account of a four-year old, as interpreted by his narcissistic old man, retold by a godless, money-obsessed movie studio.
It’s like playing “Telephone” with a bunch of deaf chimps.
That one was eaten by one of the Uproxx Titans (me), hungry for wit and spite.
Otto Man: What is wrong with questioning a 4 year old’s testimony of seeing God?
Seriously? Do you have children? I do.
I wouldn’t trust a 4 year old’s testimony about washing their hands after peeing, much less relating a reliable encounter with an anthropomorphic deity who’s only been described to them in Ned Flanders-style nursery rhymes.
In the Marines, they teach us not to piss on our hands… Great work to everyone involved. Here’s a post for you dedicated readers/listeners (from the 200th Frotcast):
silance: “Hello, this is indeed Ben. This is not Vince and I do not think favorably of Avril Lavigne. Having a great swaggy time here in this generally Asian location. I have become a monk, as I have always wanted to do, secretly as I never told any of you. Do not try to look for me, brahs. I am a monk and cannot see those from my old life. I am also taking a vow of Internet Chastity and so will not be emailing again. Please give all of my possessions and money to my great dearest brother Vince Mancini, and do not ask him any questions. I will miss you all so much, but since becoming a monk I have never felt more very alive and not dead. If you would like to honor my memory, I would ask you to attend any comedy show that Vince is ever involved in, and pay the cover to get in. I was always bitterly, desperately jealous of how funny he was and all of the poon he would crush, and so I want him to have much success and to have a happiness like I have from becoming an alive monk as I very much am now. Well I have to go pray now forever so farewell and be nice to Vince he will take this hard. Leave him to his grief and again ask him no questions!”
– Signed, Ben
If you don’t get it, you must not be familiar with the Frotcast back catalogue, you f*ckin’ idiot. Also, did you hear that Chase is shutting down the bank accounts of porn stars?
BringBackLoveMonkey: Ah, ye old story of a porn star and her ATM.
Thanks, ass-to-mouth, for ruining automated teller machines and the phrase ‘at the moment.’
Last and also least, it’s the delicious spam:
Havana.pl: Cameron Diaz is still very pretty woman and she have much classy like a few years ago…
I was pretty tempted to give ol’ Havana here the comment of the week, but that’s an obstruction of justice, because there is one obvious, one outstanding, one glorious, righteous winner (from the Heaven is for Real review):
Stephen Desmond: This would have been a much better “review” without all the snark of an egomaniac know-it-all “film critic” who enjoys his own shit…OOPS I mean “wit” and “wisdom”. F*ck you for photoshopping that picture, pretentiously and pitifully trying to make this film seem like it’s devious and political. YOU’RE the f*cking DUMB asshole for doing that. Oh but don’t worry…you’ll pay for that someday. The LAST thing you EVER wanna do is PISS off GOD. Next time just keep the smart ass snide comments to yourself and stay on topic. Do you think you can do that, Mr. Shit? Yes…there are believers and Christians who have faith and hope for the future. So what? There’s nothing wrong with that. This is a precious little story that challenges and supports those who would prefer to follow God rather than follow spliff heads like you who think the herb makes them special or those who daily depend on themselves believing they control the world…listening to pretentious fools and thinking they have all the answers. Like YOU, fr’instance. I understood and received the message of this precious and wonderful film. Obviously you didn’t. And you never will. You and your hilarious and cynical buddies weren’t chosen to receive it. That’s too f*cking bad. Enjoy your barbecue in hell. By the way…Penn Jillette and Bill Maher want to be your asshole Facebook Friends. Oh and PS: F*ck you and your kind. No scratch that. I’ll pray for your sorry ass instead. Forgive them, Father, for they don’t have a f*cking clue about what they’re talking about. Please be merciful to these idiots and morons. Amen.
Please, sir, Mr. Shit was my father. You can call me Poopsy. This just goes to show that sometimes, the best way to win is to be a super weirdly angry evangelist! As I mentioned last time, Stephen, you must pose nude if you want your winner’s portrait. I will accept a muddy walrus corpse in lieu of your naked body. Everyone else, remember to keep your wits about you and nominate your favorite comments in the comments section to this very thread. Next week’s winner will be a sponsored post.