Internet comments are mostly terrible, but I’m desperate for validation so I read them anyway. Sometimes there’s good stuff in there! Each week, we recognize that good stuff.
Before we get to this week’s favorites, a public service announcement. Don’t be this guy (from The Founder review):
Staubachlvr: So….was it good? Worth watching? I’ve been looking forward to this movie but I’m not sure what this review is telling me about whether it’s worth seeing.
Hmm, were you looking for a thumb’s up-thumb’s down kind of a thing? I kind of just wrote like 1,000 words hoping to empower you to make that decision on your own. Because if I have the power to make your to-do list, it’s probably going to start with “clean my house.”
That was me bitching. Anyway, on a lighter note, several commenters in that same review found the obvious comparison I totally missed:
Nic Cages T-Rex Skull: So it’s There Will Be Ketchup?
Talking Can of Vegetables: “I… DRINK… YOUR…. SHAMROCK SHAKE! I DRINK IT UP!”
Here’s another one:
Talking Can of Vegetables: Bummer, I was kind of hoping for The Social Network of fast food. “A million served isn’t cool. You know what’s cool? Over 99 billion served.”
From Top Chef Power Rankings:
OhMyBalls: “You can’t cook with hate in your heart.”
Clearly he’s never prepared a Sunday dinner for my family.
Steve Bramucci: The length of Katsuji’s slow clap is something I feel like we should all be talking about. It was glorious. [This is just a set up for this next comment]
Nic Cage’s T-Rex Skull: Ext. Night. Somewhere in Mexico.
Biscuits and Bangles stand in front of the judges.
Padma: Before we get to the final cook off, there’s one challenge left.
*Faint echoes of a slow clap*
Bangles: I know that clap.
*Claps get louder*
Tom: You must first compete against the winner of Last Chance Kitchen.
*Katsuji emerges from the shadows, still slow clapping*
Bangles: You.
Katsuji: Yo.
*Biscuits rolls her eyes*
Boy, everyone’s getting in on the fan-fiction game these days. Speaking of which…
BurnsyFan66: Pretending to be friends is what I picture you and Mike Ryan doing at Sundance right now:
Alone at the bar, Vince sipped on his Pikesville Rye and contemplated whether or not he should add a supernatural element to the spec script he was writing about film blogging. Then, like a ghost, Mike and his silk scarf floated up next to him…
Mike – “Hey, Vance, what’s up buddy. Drinking alone again? That’s cool. You seen Mudbound yet? You probably wouldn’t like it. It’s too intellectual. I mean, I understood it. But didn’t you like go to community college. Yeah, you must hate Sundance. Labowskifest is more your cup of pee. Haha! I’m hilarious. So what did you see, pal? I’m really curious to hear your thoughts so far.”
Vince – “Well, I just watched…”
Mike – “That’s awesome Vance. I gotta go. We should do this again sometime. Text me bud, we’ll do lunch or something. Toodles!”
Mike whips Vince in the face with his scarf as he walks away to another critic who asks, “who was that?”. “Oh him”, Mike replies, “he’s just a nobody.”
In the background, a tear rolls down Vince’s cheek.
He takes some creative liberties, but BurnsyFan66 has a real knack for world building.
From This Week In Posters:
Mixhail: I was on the fence about Youth in Oregon, but seeing badly photoshopped Billy Crudup getting road head while his stupid family sits awkwardly in the back kinda renews my faith in humanity.
And…
The Jersey Devil: Kevin Bacon, John Goodman and J.K. Simmons? I think Wahlberg is going on the assumption that if he surrounds himself with enough good actors, people will think, “Oh yeah, Marky Mark was okay in that one.
It seems to be working. Speaking of which, my favorite comment of the week, from my review of Patriots Day:
Verbal Kunt: I’M TAWMMY SAUNDAHS, THE SHAWT AHMS O’THE LAW!
I can’t believe I missed that joke. As always, nominate for next week in the comments section below.