“So let’s review the five target zones again….”
This week’s post is like your old high school girlfriend: it’s short, immature, and you’d freak out if it was even a day late. So without further ado, let’s get to your best Filmdrunk comments for the past week.
I know I’m not alone in my appreciation of Chareth Cutestory‘s exquisite hate for all things Kevin Smith, so I hope he didn’t Godwin himself by bringing up Hitler in his post about Smith unretiring to produce a musical about the apocalypse. Thanks to commenter Larry for defusing the situation:
The Leni Riefenstahl comparison is just preposterous. For one thing, Riefenstahl owned men’s slacks.
In other retirement news, Burnsy brought us the heartbreaking story of the porn star forced to choose between her livelihood (in the form of her cartoonishly oversized breasts) and her life. While the story makes it sound like Elizabeth Starr, owner of the O-cup silicone timebombs, would soldier on (“Damn the torpedoes!”), one commenter thought she should be making an altogether different kind of movie:
Man, this Sophie’s Choice reboot is both dark AND gritty!
More depressing news came out of Florida this week, where an argument over texting during the previews for a showing of Lone Survivor turned deadly. There’s really nothing good about this story at all, but if there’s one thing FilmDrunkards are good at, it’s finding the glimmers of humor in the darkest places.
Back in the day, a lot of people got shot by the guy behind them at “Showgirls”.
Not to make excuses, but maybe this happened during a greenband trailer
and the ex cop was just all freaked out by the floating heads in front of him.
Meanwhile, FilmDrunk’s favorite existential buffoon Shia LeBeouf was back at his favorite London hangout and getting into scraps with the locals, this time head-butting a man who insulted his acquaintance’s mother. I was kinda hoping he’d “borrow” Mike Tyson’s ear-biting technique myself, because head-butts from Shia LeBeouf are about as tough as nuzzles from a newborn baby.
The Jersey Devil
I always suspected that The Beef gave surprisingly gentle head . . . butts.
For news about actual tough guys, you needed to look no further than the ongoing saga of Armond White, who was ceremoniously excommunicated from the
Bull Moose Moving Picture Society of the 1934 World’s Fair New York Film Critics Circle for his repeated outbursts at their awards shows. White, who apparently ascribes to the same theories on public relations as Alex Rodriguez, called the action a commie witch hunt and continued to deny the allegations in the face of overwhelming evidence. As always, FilmDrunkards had plenty to say about our favorite cantankerous antediluvean pontificator:
I was hoping they would simply ban him from attending the award ceremony, if only because a picture of an irate Armond standing outside the venue next to a giant “NO WHITES ALLOWED” sign would have broken every irony meter in the tri-state region.
Never fear, Armond, when the chips are down I always bête noir.
In shocking news, Vince is anti-heckler.
At least Vince knows how to behave at an awards show, as he proved over the weekend when he attended the latest AVNs in Las Vegas. The list of nominees this year is such an overwhelming who’s-doing-what-to-whom, it took a Klingon to find the pearl in that sea of pungent oysters:
Ebony Scat Queen – Worst Queen cover band ever:
Buddy you’re a rip make a big shart noise
Playin’ in the dook gonna be a big dump some day
You got turd on yo’ face
You big disgrace
Shittin’ your bed all over the place
Finally, this week brought news of the literary aspirations of Back Door Teen Mom Farrah Abraham, who in addition to penning a trilogy of
thinly veiled 50 Shades of Grey rip-offs erotic sex novels, also announced plans for a book on Christian parenting. I’m sure you could make a lovely gift basket for Fathers’ Day with that book and a selection from Abraham’s line of silicione sex-parts [link oh so NSFW]. If you’re still trying to figure out how Abraham qualifies as an expert in Christian anything, please allow our co-Comments of the Week to explain:
Christian parenting sounds about right. I mean, even Jesus rode an ass.
Farrah Abraham hasn’t spared a rod in her life.
As always, congratulations to our winners, and shiny gold glitter stars to everyone else for competing. Don’t forget to nominate your favorites from the upcoming week in the comments section below. Links to this post can be found on the right sidebar and in every Morning Links post.