If you somehow managed to miss the announcement last week (who knows, maybe you were trapped in a cave for five days, I hear that sort of thing can happen), this week’s Comment of the Week winner gets a copy of the Unofficial Anchorman Coloring Book. I expected the competition to be fierce for such a prize, and the FilmDrunkards didn’t let me down. Sit back, pour yourself a little scotchy scotchy scotch, and let’s see who did it best.
There are two things I’m good at: cracking jokes on the Internet, making numbered lists, and segues. That’s why we’re kicking things off with the story of inspirational biopic subject and terrible hiker Aaron Ralston’s recent arrest after a domestic dispute (NOTE: all charges have since been dismissed). Nobody is saying exactly what happened, but that didn’t stop people from speculating:
I’ve always heard that the man has a mean right hook.
I knew he was a dick when he started using his fake hand to grab the biggest stuffed animals out of the machines in arcades.
Someone else who probably didn’t know about the prize this week is FilmDrunk’s home video guru (and COTW nominee) Morton Salt, who wondered aloud why Paul Walker wasn’t doing any promotion for the DVD release of Fast & Furious 6. Luckily, one of his fellow authors had his back:
I know, if he’s not careful he’ll end up fired and on the street.
Speaking of Paul Walker and horrible wrecks that you want to look away from but can’t, conspiracy theorist and attention whore Tila Tequila did a cannonball into the deep end of the crazy pool this week. How do you solve a problem like Tequila? Feklhr has a pretty good idea:
Not being able to finish off killing Tila Tequila is the only thing any Juggalo has ever done ever to disappoint their family and society.
I have something of a confession to make: I didn’t get this next comment at all. Unlike some folks who frequent this site, I don’t have a degree in Fancy Talk from Scarfington College, so while a couple of you loved HarryW’s riff on one nerd’s reaction to a negative review of The Hobbit Part 2: Are We There Yet?, I was left slack-jawed and looking for the dick joke. Maybe one of you erudite m*therf*ckers can explain this to me in the comments:
All I can say
Is u r a complete and utter ass
The hobbit is by far one of the best movies ever
And I can’t wait to see the next one
The story is there if u know how to understand it”
so much depends upon
a big red dragon
mocapped by Cumberbatch
beside the white wizard
In a story much closer to my station in life, lover and fighter Shia LaBeouf got into another tussle in a London bar, at least if you believe the local tabloids. Back stateside, Jangles think the story would read a little differently:
He keeps his lowlife brother on retainer for such foul deeds, but he must not have heard all of the Chicago newsboys yesterday announcing, “SCRUFF MCGRUFF CUFFS LOCAL TOUGH ‘SNUFF’ LABEOUF’”
There were plenty of new trailers to talk about this week, including Big Bad Wolves, which was Quentin Tarantino’s favorite release of 2013 (film division). Of course, those of us without a coke wizard on the payroll will have to wait until 2014 to see it. The cryptically named KMaj8 has a plan to make next year’s list:
If you want to top his list next year just make Attack of the 50ft woman, a film about a girl with fifty feet.
Also coming next year is the next completely necessary installment in the rebooted series, Dawn of the Planet of the Apes. How do you feel about that funky facepaint, Patty Boots?
They’re gonna’ feel like real assholes if all that red lipstick was tested on animals.
The most unwelcome news of the week had to be Paramount Pictures’ decision to reboot the Naked Gun films, with Ed Helms taking over as Detective Frank Drebin for the late, great Leslie Nielsen. Amidst the flurry of outrage this inspired, Verbal Kunt discovered the only way this film could separate me from my money:
They should’ve made this last year co-starring Aaron Hernandez. That would be faithful to the original.
Now I’m all for a good summer blockbuster, but you can’t say “highly anticipated release” in these parts without thinking of Lars von Trier’s Nymph()maniac. Here in America, we’re still being teased with increasingly graphic trailers, but over in Europe early test audiences report leaving the theater feeling flushed, exhausted, and maybe a little hungry. They also inspired our Comment of the Week:
Overheard at a screening:
“Man, that was deep.”
“The theme of isolation and abandonment?”
“No, that dick going in.”
Congratulations Mydixin, please be sure to send your address to Vince so he can ship you your prize, and make sure you color inside the lines, this isn’t kindergarten.
Remember to post your favorite comments from the coming week below to be considered for COTW. Also remember that just replying “COTW” to a comment you like may seem useful but doesn’t actually do anything, kinda like your mom’s makeup. You can find this post linked on the right sidebar and in every Morning Links post during the week.