In case you weren’t smart enough to avoid Twitter and Facebook on Wednesday, you probably noticed that it was “International Talk Like a Pirate Day”, because we have a day for pretty much anything else you can think of so why not that, too? Well folks, it’s all fun and games on Talk Like a Pirate Day until someone loses a passenger ferry to a drunken pirate, which is exactly what happened in Dartmouth, Devon, U.K.
Alison Whelan, 51, was just minding her own business on a 2-day bender, when she suddenly decided to invoke Pirates of the Caribbean and steal a ferry, because when you’re mega-butthoused it’s either that or poop your pants, and boats are way more fun.
Whelan was so drunk on Lambrini she dialled 999 and officers raced to the scene but she then unmoored the 45ft vessel and started drifting away.
She was heard shouting “I’m Jack Sparrow” and “I’m A Pirate” as she made her escape on the double-decker ferry.
But the boat then began hitting other vessels ”like a pinball machine” – including a £70,000 catamaran, Torquay Magistrates Court in Devon heard.
The boat finally came to rest an hour later a mile upstream where lifeboats arrived to tow Whelan and her accomplice back to the harbour.
When arrested she claimed that she ”would have ended up in St Tropez” if she hadn’t been caught. (Via the Telegraph)
For her maritime crimes, Whelan received 122 days in jail for “aggravated vehicle taking” which is really a thing. According to the police, she eventually admitted that she didn’t even think of stealing the ferry until she had untied three of the docking ropes because she kept tripping over them. Eventually she just said, “ARRRRRRRGH! F*ck ye!” and untied the rest of the ropes, because her ass just started sailing.
But every stolen ferry story has a silver lining. With this latest arrest, Whelan may finally get the help she needs to battle her problem with alcohol. You know, until she receives her new liver that she’s currently waiting on, and then yo ho ho, blow the bottle of gin down.
[Requisite Arrested Development reference: She needs a maritime lawyer! Call Chareth Cutestory! -Vince]