WellRoundedNY, which is apparently a website for pregnant New Yorkers, recently published a list entitled “20 Under 1 to Watch.” It sounded like a Clickhole parody of a lifestyle magazine, and a pretty good one, especially with the sub head “Our hot list of 20 influential NYC babies.”
I was prepared to treat it as comedy, only… nope, it really is just a list of “cool” New York parents posing with their babies for artsy lifestyle shots like they would a fancy handbag. It feels like it started as a “wouldn’t it be funny if” and then instead of making it a joke they just went through with it unironically.
The list was apparently inspired (read: sponsored) by the “Jeremy Scott-designed Cybex Priam.” Translation: it’s a designer stroller. Here’s some copy on that:
Jeremy Scott is the last rebel of the international fashion world. His creations have the power to polarize and have become the hottest topics among the style elite. In his second collaboration with CYBEX, Scott once again flexes his revolutionary muscle, shifting paradigms by bringing heaven down to earth.
Translation: Jeremy Scott is a fashion designer who put plastic wings on a stroller. I had to scour the website and follow all the links to confirm that this was indeed not a joke, and as far as I can tell, it isn’t. Then I wondered if this is what they intended all along and I got sad. In any case, it’s an endless Russian nesting doll of pure awfulness.
Anyway, about that list.
Most Obnoxious Child Name
“Sailor Lynne Soleil Bailey-Babenzien”
At first glance, that seems like way too many names for someone who isn’t a colonial Spanish aristocrat, but when you break it down, “Sailor Lynne” is just the first name, and “Bailey-Babenzien” the last name. So really, “Sailor Lynne Soleil Bailey-Babenzien” is just an entirely cromulent name. I can’t wait for Sailor Lynne Bailey-Babenzien to marry Orange Jaxxyn Julius Siobhan Klaxwell-Samsonite and become Sailor Lynn Bailey-Babenzien-Klaxwell-Samsonite.
This one, we’re told, is the child of Brendon Babenzien, founder of Noah, and Estelle Bailey-Babenzien, interior designer.
What’s one thing you hope never changes about your little one? “Sailor is incredibly caring with empathy beyond her years. She has a fun sense of humor, fearless sense of adventure, and sunshine aura that fills a room with joy!”
“Empathy beyond her years,” hmm. Counterpoint: She’s one. Though I’m sure she exudes a look of grace and beatific soulfulness while she shits her pants.
“What’s she doin, hon?”
“Looks like she’s pondering the plight of the Syrian refugees. …Wait, no, she was shitting. Can you pass me the Jeremy Scott signature European Doo Doo blankets?”
Runners Up
Levon Sparrow Savransky
River Olive Kibbler
[For this one I like to think they just combined random nouns. Apricot Switchblade! Dandelion Fencepost! Marshmallow Burlap!]
Jude William Jacob Brackbill
[Again, how many damn names do you need?]
Lorenzo O’Neil Bernstein
Interesting note on that last one: they seem to have, intentionally or inadvertently, named their child after Lorenzo Neal, which I have to admit is kind of awesome. Lorenzo Neal is a San Joaquin Valley hero and a hell of a fullback.
Less awesome? The parents are listed as “founder and creative director of The 88, and director of operations & new business of The 88.” “The 88” is apparently some kind of creative firm.
Hey. Uh… you guys know “88” is like famous skinhead slang for “Heil Hitler,” right? Did you even Google that before you trademarked it? Because the Anti-Defamation League is the third search result. I’m gonna guess no. If these people overthought things we wouldn’t have $1800 strollers with plastic wings on them or parents praising their 1-year-old’s ability to empathize. Where there’s a whim there’s a way.
Most Obnoxious Parent Name
“Bradley Bissell Goodyear,” father of Louisa Emery Goodyear
I can’t find any information on this “Bradley Bissell Goodyear,” so I have to assume that he’s the reclusive heir to both the Goodyear tires and Bissell vacuum fortunes, who will eventually squander his family fortunes trying to bring back the steam engine. Damn you, Brad! Adolphus Bissell is turning over in his bespoke mausoleum! (The Bisell patriarch died tragically in 1901 of complications from an autofellatio accident)
Anyway, for anyone who loves to hate, 20 Under 1 To Watch is better than International House Hunters.