Our friends at EverythingIsTerrible always dig up the best stuff (in fact, it was they who first introduced me to the Arnold in Rio video referenced in the previous post, something for which I can never repay them), and this latest video is no different. Nowadays, Kirk Cameron is known the world over as a Subway sandwich-loving evolution denier who can prove the existence of God using nothing but a banana and a tasteful sweater. But back when this video, “Sex, Lies, & the Truth,” produced by James Dobson’s Focus on the Family was made, he was just a fresh-faced young abstinence promoter, traveling the world in hip Birkenstocks and sinfully short shorts, trying to reach America’s at-risk youth. YOUR ATHLETIC THIGHS ARE LEADING ME UNTO TEMPTATION, KIRK CAMERON! Oh well, even Christian soldiers are allowed the occasional youthful indiscretion.
Let’s take a look at the video, which is fantastic.
I can’t help but break down a few of my favorite moments:
The intro sequence. It’s a literal CARNIVAL OF SIN! Which, in case you’re wondering, basically looks like the opening scene from Lost Boys, only with more closeups and less Greasy Sax Man. SCARY CLOWNS! PROMISCUOUS ROLLER COASTERS! BREAKING GLASS TRANSITION! This has everything but those cigar-smoking donkeys from Pinocchio.
1:50 – Super creepy close-up on the 10-year-old clearly uncomfortable with his friend talking about sex. UNITE CHRISTIANS! WE ARE ALL THIS AWKWARD 10-YEAR-OLD! AWKWARD 10-YEAR-OLDS FOR LIFE AND PROUD OF IT!
2:10 – The black girl’s baby daddy is in prison, because of course he is. It’s not racist because she’s well spoken! Hey, at least they’re not fighting over Monopoly. We’ve come so far.
2:17 – Mexican John Lennon is only eenterested een jour body, ése! I believe this guy heavily influenced Stephenie Meyer when she was creating the ethnic temptation werewolves in her famous abstinence parable, Twilight.
2:41 – AIDS? Mexeecans don’t care about no steenkeen AIDS, ése! Go Raiders! (Wait, is that an Eagles hat? Fire that PA).
3:08 – Finally, some straight talk about AIDS from some nice white kids, Hippie Parker Lewis and Shannon Doherty.
3:11 How to keep kids away from sex? I know! Make them think of this lady’s vagina!
3:25 – AAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Do you think “Manners” is his actual family name or a stage name? Like, maybe he took up a new persona to help him promote abstinence better? “And now, here’s Charlie Niceguy to speak to you all about condom failure…”
3:25 – Aw, not you too, Darius McCrary.
Wow. I’m glad I can laugh about this now. Growing up in a small town in the nineties, I can tell you that these constant scare videos did actually work. If by “work” you mean make sex taboo and scare people into not looking into condoms or birth control so that half the kids ended up pregnant after their first awkward sexual experiences when they were 17. I’m telling you, small-town teenagers have super sperm. Anyway, if I seem bitter, it’s because I blame crap like this for keeping me from getting laid in high school. Well, crap like this and my late puberty, face, hair, voice, and personality.