Being the sensitive intellectual I am, with a drawing room filled with framed degrees and pictures of dogs wearing turtlenecks, I would never dream of watching a work of art solely for the venal pleasure of spying some spry lass stripped of undergarments. But given that the female form is a beautiful thing meant to be both exposed and celebrated, I’d be remiss if I did not share with you Mr. Skin’s list of the top nude scenes of 2013. Just remember, we discuss these things not to objectify women, but to stick it to the patriarchy that unfairly foists clothing upon them. (*burns bra, sings I Am Woman*)
Gird yourself for horrible, horrible puns:
#10 Shiri Appleby in Girls
Shiri Appleby got her big break as a teen in love with an alien on the WB hit Roswell. But it was more like rod-swell on the HBO series Girls, where she bared her UForbs for the first time and let her co-star blast them with baby gravy. She’s sure to warm up your pocket rocket!
#9 Lady Gaga in The Abramovic Method Practiced by Lady Gaga
Avant-garde pop tart Lady Gaga is all about the MTV T&A, but she hit an all time high note with the debut of her completely shaved full frontal in The Abramovic Method. Released as a promo for performance artist Marina Abramovic’s new age healing center, it finally allowed skin fans to release some googoo!
#8 January Jones in Sweetwater
January thrills and chills as ice queen Betty Draper on Mad Men, but this year she unveiled her Mad MAMs for the first time in Sweetwater. Her dong-awaited nude debut had her un-Drapering her sterling betties and squeezing off a few topless rounds in a swamp. You’ll be firing off a few rounds of your own!
#7 Laura Prepon, Taylor Schilling in Orange is the New Black
The very first episode of this Netflix original set in a women’s prison had That 70’s Show star Laura Prepon going topless to lock lips with nudecomer Taylor Schilling. Those two will have you brushing up on your penal code!
#6 Amanda Seyfried in Lovelace
Amanda Seyfried has never been shy about showing off her amazing all-natural body, but her role as the titular ungaggable gal in Lovelace brought her to great new heights of nudity. Is this Tinseltown or Tonsiltown?!
#5 Lindsay Lohan in The Canyons
The skinfamous firecrotch took a risky role in this dark thriller, and it paid off big time! We got to see Lindsay’s rolling Hollywood Hills repeatedly, including a kinky fourway sex scene. Your gland will feel grand in these canyons!
#4 Emily Ratajkowski, Elle Evans, Jessi M’Bengue in Blurred Lines
With over 200 millions views on YouTube alone, Robin Thicke’s Blurred Lines Video is the ultimate chart topper and pants popper. With three smoking hot models going topless as the video vixens- including big-breasted breakout Emily Ratajkowski- this video had the formula for free media attention down pat. Speaking of patting things down…
#3 Ivana Milicevic in Banshee
Not only is it top model Ivana Milicevic’s nude debut, her lucky co-star has his face jammed so far between her legs he must be getting an extra-rare furburger dinner. Now that’s mouth-to-muff re-sex-utation!
#2 Rosario Dawson in Trance
Full frontal from an A-list star is rare, but rarer still is the celeb that will give a close-up shot with no hair covering her lower lippage. Rosario’s bare beav and jamambo jugs in Trance left us swell-bound!
#1 Léa Seydoux, Adèle Exarchopoulos in Blue is the Warmest Colour
This lesbian drama received an NC-17 rating for 12-minutes of its foxy French stars Léa Seydoux and Adèle Exarchopoulos bumping funbaguettes and going le muff diving. The sweaty sessions of explicit Sapphic sex have Mr. Skin calling it “The Best Lesbian Scene of All Time!” It’s not just award-caliber nudity, this girl-on-girl romance cinched the coveted Palm d’Or at Cannes. And you’ll be doing some palming of your own!
My God, I feel like I need a shower after those puns. “Jamambo jugs?” Jesus Christ, I feel like I should get maced just for typing that, and possibly charged with a hate crime. Kudos, Mr. Skin. Or should I say, Cooze-DOS (because dos is Spanish for two, the number of breasts many woman have). See? No one beats Mr. Skin at puns. Obviously, you can check out the videos by subscribing to Mr. Skin.
OVERSIGHTS: If you ask me, the top two nude scenes of 2013 were Lizzy Caplan in Masters of Sex and Elizabeth Olsen in Oldboy, hands down (my pants). But hey, what do I know, I’m just a guy who’s been dreaming of naked Lizzy Caplan for the last nine years. Though I certainly can’t argue with Rosario Dawson and Amanda Seyfried.
SNOB NOTE: In Orange is the New Black the book, Laura Prepon’s character was described as a fat, butch lesbian, which is why I can’t watch that show.
FURTHERMORE: The Lady Gaga scene is actually online. You can watch the NSFW video below, if it’s S for your W, or if you’re not at W at the mo. In addition to the pleasant nudity, it’s a great illustration of why I kind of hate Marina Abramovic.
Lady Gaga practices the Abramovic Method, a series of exercises meant to “heighten participants’ awareness of their physical and mental experience in the present moment” and prepare performers for long-durational work, during a three-day retreat in upstate New York. The method was devised by Marina Abramovic, the founder of the Marina Abramovic Institute, who explains the theory behind the Method and how it works in a surreal video on her website.
I didn’t read about the “method” from the “institute,” but I imagine it goes a little something like this…