Matt Damon has been a hot thinkpiece topic for weeks now, thanks to his dual problematic (and possibly completely exaggerated and blown out of proportion) takes on diversity in Hollywood and whether gay actors should come out. So I can understand the New York Post wanting to get in on some of those sweet, “current trending topic” clicks. Trouble is, they don’t seem to know how.
Witness this editorial by Post columnist Andrea Peyser, entitled “Earth to Matt Damon, it’s 2015!”
The idea there being, I suppose, that Matt Damon is out there in space not knowing what year it is. You might read that and think it sounds like a ham-fisted lead in to scold Matt Damon for not being progressive enough for the times. But remember, this is the New York Post. Promoting progressivism isn’t something they generally do. Or is it? To be honest, I’m not sure what this editorial is trying to say. But it’s certainly angry!
Matt Damon is an insufferable jerk.
That’s good. Get your opinion out there right away, leave the reader no guess work. A wondering reader is a wandering reader, I always say.
You know it. I know it. Rupert Everett most certainly does.
Now that she’s established some common ground — that a famous actor neither of us have met is nonetheless terrible — we can extrapolate. I can’t wait! Take me on a journey, Andrea Peyser!
The Hollywood liberal (read: smug hypocrite)
I’m glad she clarified that with a parenthetical. I was wondering if “Hollywood liberal” was meant as a compliment.
…has interrupted the outer-space high surrounding Friday’s release of his Oscar-bait star turn, “The Martian,” to conduct a parallel “I’m Not a Homophobe” tour.
And I’m guessing… he should… not do that? Stop taking attention away from a dumb Oscar movie I don’t like with your dumb opinions, Matt Damon!
But it’s only driving him deeper into the quicksand with LGBTQ types…
LGBTQ “types.” You know, “those” people. That’s how you know a strong take, when it’s impossible not to picture the writer scrunching up her face and waving away the subject with her hand.
Now, I could ask what those “LGBTQ types” were doing in the quicksand in the first place (GAY SEX, no doubt), but it’s clear Andrea Peyser doesn’t have time for visual clarity. Feh, I say! More liberal flim-flummery!
…and those, like me, who couldn’t care less whom a performer loves.
Just in case you didn’t feel the tolerance and empathy radiating from the first half of the sentence, Andrea Peyser has spelled it out for you.
It’s 2015, Matt. Get over yourself!
So he should… not… go on… an “I’m Not a Homophobe” tour? Whatever that means? Now that she’s seduced me with her irresistible passion for the subject, surely it’s time to clarify!
He should grovel. GLAAD should dedicate a lecture series to him.
Yeah! Wait… no! Wait, is this sarcasm?
He should shut the hell up.
Oh, okay, I’m pretty sure that was the non-sarcastic suggestion. Shut your dumb Hollywood liberal mouth, Matt Damon! I don’t know what you said yet, but it was probably all like “Durr durr durr I’m lame blah blah blah.” What an A-hole.
I’ve about ceased getting worked up over idiocies uttered by famous lefties. (Filmmaker Michael Moore alone could send me into agonizing paroxysms if I let him.)
“Before I tell you what he actually said, allow me to list some other people who also make me angry!”
But pathetic utterances made by Damon, 44, about race and, especially, homosexuality in the last few weeks have sucked him from Mars down into the sewer of soiled progressivism, and earned him the Twitter hashtag “#mattsplaining,” a takeoff on “mansplaining.”
Okay, so the utterances were pathetic, but he shouldn’t have to explain any of that to sewer-dwelling progressives? Of course not! All they understand is poop, and hashtags!
In an interview with The Guardian last month, Damon grappled, in cringeworthy detail, with an issue best left to a priest, a rabbi or a psychotherapist: his own sexuality — and that of his Tinseltown cohorts.
The conversation turned to Damon’s portrayal of Liberace’s gay lover in 2013’s “Behind the Candelabra.” And Damon launched into a mattsplanation about gay rumors that swirled around him and buddy Ben Affleck after they worked on 1997’s “Good Will Hunting.’’ He seemed most freaked out about being forced (in his mind) to deny he was homosexual.
“It’s just like any piece of gossip . . . and it put us in a weird position of having to answer, you know what I mean? Which was then really deeply offensive,’’ he said.
“I don’t want to, like, [imply] it’s some sort of disease — then it’s like I’m leaving my friends under the bus.”
He should have stopped there. But his mattsplaining (and gay-shaming?) was just getting started.
“But at the time, I remember thinking and saying, Rupert Everett was openly gay, and this guy — more handsome than anybody, a classically trained actor — it’s tough to make the argument that he didn’t take a hit for being out.”
And, drum roll, please, “Whether you’re straight or gay, people shouldn’t know anything about your sexuality because that’s one of the mysteries that you should be able to play. I think you’re a better actor the less people know about you, period.”
Hogwash!
“Let me break down Matt Damon’s three or four separate assertions here – hogwash! Dumb liberal! Okay, glad that’s done, time for lunch. (*drinks entire shaker full of vodka gimlet*)”
Damon all but shouted, “I’m heterosexual!” by peppering the interview with references to his wife (a woman!), three daughters and a stepdaughter.
Does anyone care?
Certainly not this person writing 1,000 words about it!
Damon found sympathy Wednesday from, of all people, Ellen DeGeneres (a lesbian!), whining on her TV talk show that online trolls had twisted his words to make it seem as if he meant gays should march back in the closet.
Well??
“Well?? WELL???!? Is not my incredulity itself evidence enough?? Make the goddamned point yourselves, I’m not your babysitter!”
By encouraging sexual “mystery” among performers, Damon dissed the many openly gay people who enjoy stardom on stage, screen and TV. To name a few: Neil Patrick Harris, Zachary Quinto, Jane Lynch. Ellen DeGeneres.
“Yeah! And he should apologize for his diss! Wait, no! I’m angry that he said some dumb stuff, but also that he apologized! Look, I don’t need to explain my anger to you people when I write how angry I am! Humbug! Horsefeathers!”
I don’t care which stars are gay, nor do I care that Damon says he’s not.
“I care just enough to subtly intimate that Matt Damon might be lying about being straight.”
I don’t buy movie or theater tickets or click on the TV or Internet hoping to hear celebrities’ unscripted meditations on same-sex relations or skin color.
“I don’t click on the TV looking for opinions or point my remote control at the mailbox hoping it’s going to tell me why I’m so angry all of the time! I just wish all the inanimate objects that I control would leave me alone!”
It’s time for Matt Damon to stop protesting.
“There’s really nothing worse than someone who’s constantly objecting to things. I hate that.”
Maybe getting stranded alone on Mars would do him good. [NYPost]
(*drops the mic*) (*chases raccoons off porch with broom*)