As a wise man once said, “Yo, dawg, why report boring-ass movie news when you could just copy Patton Oswalts tweets n’ shit anyway?” And so here we are. I’ve gotten probably ten emails today from publicists quoting various entities’ reactions to their Oscar nominations, and believe me when I say that I couldn’t possibly give less of a microscopic speck of a particle of a shit on a gay gnat’s penis. The only thing remotely interesting to come out of it all was Patton Oswalt’s account of a fictional Oscars-snub party that he’s been tweeting out all day, starting with “Join me for a drink at The Drawing Room, @AlbertBrooks? Me and Serkis have been here since 6am.”
See you later tonight. Might be out of booze — Serkis has Pogues on the jukebox & Fassbender just showed up in a pirate hat.
Oh shit — we’re DEFINITELY going to run out of booze. Charlize & Tilda just pulled up in a stolen police car.
Dude, GET DOWN HERE. Gosling is doing keg stands and Olsen & Dunst LITERALLY just emerged from a shower of rose petals.
Nolte & Plummer just drove past, mooning us. Serkis & Tilda are signing “Is There Life on Mars?”
Oops — Von Trier just pulled up in a pass van dressed as Goering. “Let’s go to Legoland!” With a boozy hurrah, we’re out!
Not one joke about Michael F. Assbender’s giant Fasspenis? You’re a better man than I, Patton. And yet you still know the path to my heart is paved with Lars Von Trier Nazi jokes. “Ja, I luff Legoland zeess time uff year, hardly any gypsies or homosexuals. …Kirsten? Hallo? …Kirsten, I don’t sink zeess mic ist vorking.”