This Week: The Rum Diary, Steven Spielberg’s War Horse, Adam Sandler in drag, and more.
The newest Rum Diary poster looks a liiiittle closer to the tone of the book, but it still seems… I don’t know… cutesy (“he’s only wearing one sock, lol!”). But I don’t know what I expected. At some point, we’ve all got to face that they’re not going to put a girl getting gang raped on the poster. Also, I realize this wouldn’t be accurate to the source material, but it’d be awesome if Johnny Depp was wearing that big lizard tail from Fear and Loathing. And if anyone knows where I can get one of those, please, inquire within. I don’t have money, but I’m willing to barter. (*bats eyes, tries to do sexy dance, trips over cat*)
STEVEN SPIELBERG’S WAR HORSE! This could be the Dolphin Tale of horse war movies! TELL ME ABOUT THE FOG OF WAR, YOU GALLANT BEAST! “NEEEIIIGH, young men die, NEEEEIIIGH! YUM, OATS!”
In related news, in Real Steel, Hugh Jackman is clearly the Marine Biologist Harry Connick Jr. of robot boxing instructors. I look forward to examining all future films through the lens of Dolphin Tale.
Somewhere in Hollywood, there’s an agent or a producer telling a young actor why he won’t get representation, or a screenwriter that her script isn’t good enough, while this poster adorns the wall.
I could probably finish two or three more posts a day if I stopped making stupid Photoshops, but I just can’t help myself.
Time out, John Cena AND Ethan Embry? Does this mean I have to pay double admission? Because I totally would. Let’s face it, that’s still a deal.
THIS! IS! LONDON! (*kicks crumpet into tea*)
At first I assumed this was just another parody poster for The Muppets, but no, it’s actually a real documentary about the puppeteer behind Elmo, Kevin Clash. That guy must get a TON of p*ssy.
And here we have the Spanish poster for Jack and Jill, or as it’s known in Latin America, “Yack y Yill.” Uhhh… did they just find a random Mexican dude and stick him in the poster? Because I’m pretty sure he wasn’t in any of the trailers for a single second. You know who was though? Al Pacino. Yeah. Let that roll around in your noodle for a while.
Everything I’ve seen from this movie so far has been boneheaded and kind of lame. Not in an evil, Jerry Bruckheimer kind of way, just in an ugh-I-wish-this-wasn’t-so-lame kind of way.
Hey look, it’s the French-Canadian Keanu Reeves.
If you thought the last Human Centipede had people eating each other’s sh*t, wait till you see the new one. Soooo many more people eating each other’s sh*t, bro. Seriously, this is going to blow your minds.
“See here, baby, the key to acting alongside Terrence Howard is to first realize that the very concept of “Terrence and Jennifer” is a trundleboat to irrelevancivity, ya dig? The idea of you, me, this tree as separate entity is a sad gumbo spoon on a pewter plate of misperception. See, we all of us connected — you, me, this tree, gumbo, goose feathers, a rock, eskimos, grandma’s cornbread, sadness, the Eiffel Tower, a pony, wagon trains, the ocean, Puerto Ricans, and country gravy, can ya dig it? You and me is one, and this movie will be like a beautiful go-kart filled with xylophones, man, like two ants playin’ stickball in a soda stream. Life is like a merry-go-round, man, you can keep goin’ round and round, but I prefer to pet the horses. ” (*plays bongos, exits through beaded curtain*)
January Jones brought her usual facial expression. Anything else costs extra. Also, why doesn’t Nic Cage’s forehead have a beam coming off it like that police helicopter? Seems like it’d be accurate.
At first I was like, wait, who’s in this? Jesse James? Like, the guy who effs nazis, Jesse James? But then I looked it up and it was a different Jesse James. You’d think you’d want to throw a middle initial or something in there at this point, wouldn’t you?
Oh, Emily Watson, my sad, British ostrich. When I think Emily Watson, I don’t think oranges and sunshine. More like fog, and plum pudding and antique spectacles.
[posters via IMPA]