The Definitive Ranking Of Scarlett Johansson Films

By: 07.25.14  •  54 Comments

Warner Bros.

It doesn’t make much sense to talk about Scarlett Johansson without talking about sex, baby. She’s won Esquire’s “Sexiest Woman Alive” TWICE, tying Magaret Thatcher’s record from the go-go ’80s. Truly, in perusing her filmography, it becomes clear that she’s used her “bombshell” status to the fullest possible advantage. I don’t know how you feel, but I’m not particularly mad at her for this, you use what you got, you flaunt to taunt, heck I use my giant pasty belly for ballast in every body of water I come across.

But my giant pasty belly is not the topic at hand, as we’ve got some Scar-Jo (as she’s known to lovers) to ponder. Remember, much as with our Cameron Diaz manifesto, these rankings are based solely on Johansson’s contribution, and not the overall quality of the film, though of course they tend to dovetail.

First off, one I missed, which proves the central conceit, “Under the Skin”:

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Here she’s plays a sexy alien killer. But who hasn’t?

19. “He Just Not That Into You”
Here we have Johansson being P-A-I-D to don red and get bendy. Not her finest hour (I assume that’s how long it took her to film all her scenes for this catastrophe).

18. “Don Jon”
I’m just as much a sucker for a Jersey accent as the next guy (who’s not a sucker at all for it), but even I have to take umbrage with this character. There’s nothing there, she’s a mouthpiece for mediocrity.

17. “We Bought a Zoo”
While playing a zoologist is most actor’s lifelong dream, Scarlett pours cold water on the whole idea here. Mostly because, in her first movie with Matt Damon since “Horse Whisperer”, she played a sappy sap. Oddly, all of her films with Matt Damon have involved animals, and the submission of said animals. I’m just said’ing.

16. “The Prestige”
She’s not in enough to matter, but if her career dries up she can always turn to Chriss “sssssss” Angel for an assistant gig. The good news is we’re out of the actively bad realm, whoop whoop!

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