Top Netflix Streamer of the Week (streaming)
“It Felt Like Love”
I’m all in. From the distressed color palette, to the Sundance selection, to the weird teen angst, this title can’t get no righter. It would be like your emotional B12 shot for the week. You could just go out and be cold and lifeless to everyone, memories of sad lost kids sustaining you all the while. Probably the best film about people going down on others of 2014. Based on the imagery, I’m praying for “Powder 2014, Lass Edition”.
Top Netflix Cheese of the Week (streaming)
Here in Seattle it’s a sort of apocryphal tale, this idea of a den. I’d love a den, to have and to hold, maybe put a pool table and projector screen TV in there. This “The Den”, the movie “The Den”, seems to feature some wooden acting and the faulty premise that something like chat roulette isn’t always guys pleasuring themselves to hapless victims. Get some haps, you victims!
Streamability: Slim pickins on the new release front, so go crazy with it.
The Next Two Titles Expire From Netflix on August 1st, WHAaaaaaaat?
Soon to Disappear Gem (streaming)
“Airplane” (off Netflix Instant on August 1st)
Remember when slapstick wasn’t actively idiotic? Today we get trash like “Scary Movie” and “Apocalytpo”, but the era of “Airplane” and “Spaceballs” holds a special spot in my cold dead heart. This is the ultimate quotable film, especially if the other person hasn’t watched. “Wasn’t my week to quit sniffing glue.” Bosses love that kind of thing. They find it to be hilarious.
Streamability: Time is running out!! Watch it, you beautiful bastards, watch it.
Soon to Disappear Cautionary Tale (streaming)
“Zach and Miri Make a Porno” (off Netflix Instant on August 1st)
This movie is a landmark in history, even though the film itself is clearly forgettable. Before this, Kevin Smith was an affable fellow, cheery and pleasant. Now he’s a stick and the mud, and all because he pinned his hopes and dreams on the financial success of “Zach and Miri Make a Porno”. What do I base this theory upon? I interviewed him prior, and he said something to the effect of, “With all this marketing, if this one doesn’t open above $20 million, then I give up.” Fast forward, it didn’t open well, probably because the film to transition to mainstream audiences with shouldn’t have “porno” in the title. This pissed Kevin off, so he decided to make “Cop Out”, to just sell on out and try THAT method to open a film, but that didn’t work either. Plus, for the first time, critics raked one of his films over the coals. Which, you know, made sense because “Cop Out” sucked.
What followed was an epic meltdown, where Kevin Smith started picking on individual critics via Twitter, starting a “movie club” where they “celebrate not criticize”, or some other such nonsense. That’s a bit like me starting a “hang with a wolf!” club for all my henhouse buds. Hey, a director who thinks we shouldn’t look too hard at whether movies are commercial BS! Who would have thunk?
Long story short, “Zach and Miri Make a Porno” is the end of an era, the one where Kevin Smith was making cool films for a loyal group of ardent supporters. It’s all horror films and gossipy anecdotes from here on out.
Streamability: It has some issues, but nothing so detrimental as to deserve a “skip”. I know, right? Just got done reaming the guy.
The Next Two Titles Are Being Added to Netflix in August
Netflix Streaming Title Only I Like (streaming)
This has a 28 percent on RottenTomatoes, which means I’m insane, but I loved it. I loved Alec Baldwin having to shut down his environmental fund, and I loved Legolas fixing up an exercise bike with a knife to gouge his heart out. It’s cheesy, and sentimental, and oh so Cameron Crowe, but I don’t care. Like the girl who roofies, robs, and some other R words you, you still miss her the next day, because she’s got moxie. To be fair, I haven’t gone back and watched this since the theatrical run, because I don’t want to be wrong. You’d be surprised the lengths we humans will go to not to be wrong.
Streamability: It’s been on and off of Netflix over the past few years, but you might as well enjoy it now. If not, the below scene is still pretty great.
Netflix Streaming Title Only I Like (streaming)
I remember very little other than it has an amazing concept. Ben Affleck gives up his airplane seat to some poor shmoe who then goes on to get himself KILT during a plane wreck. Ben finds the widow, Gwyneth Paltrow, and they proceed to start the website Goop.com, trading gluten-free recipes and whatnot. My recollection is there’s some serious melodrama in the second act, but it largely works because the actors are so young and sparkly, plus that aforementioned and delightful premise.
Streamability: I’d consider watching it again, but I’d want at least some sort of strawberry smoothie to keep my sugar up.
Paid Title for Fools (Amazon, Google = $14.99)
They aren’t offering it for rental, which is smart, because you’re gonna wanna scalp people for real before they hear how crappy this film is. Oh sure, there’s a nice fight scene or two, but overall they somehow miss the whole dystopian angle to focus on putrid romance. Because we’ve never seen that movie before! “The Hunger Games” pwns this franchise. Major pwnage.
Streamability: If you have a teenage daughter you could be conscripted into this. Otherwise I’d dip.
Paid Curio (Amazon, Google = $3.99)
Don’t get it twisted, Darren Aronofsky is my guy. But “Noah” is a big ol’ mess. It’s a pretty epic idea, this weaving of myth and legend to create a relatable character named Noah. When this film focuses on the supernatural power, and a man grappling with what would seem to be madness, it really excels. There’s a modified shadow puppet scene that’s as good as anything that’s come out this year. Jennifer Connelly has piercing eyes. Even with all that going for it, the last 45 minutes are terrible because they set up this tension that can’t be taken seriously. Is Noah gonna murder a baby? Is the bad guy going to win? Now, if they would have decided “yes” to some of these seemingly impossible choices it would have been a brave feather in the cap. They don’t. “Noah” is a film that reeks of studio interference, but you can’t give poop extra credit just because it comes from a pal.
Streamability: Maybe turn it off after the boat launches. See you next week my pretties.
Laremy likes to get down with the get down on Twitter.