Hey, you remember those bubbles that you used to blow with a straw and a tube of that awful plastic goop? Remember how you were so excited to use it when you got it, but your parents were all, “You’re not doing that in this house, young man!” but it was raining out, so you couldn’t go outside? Did you sneak down to the basement to try it out, but it wasn’t as easy as you thought it would be? How mad were your parents when you got that crap all over the place? You know how that one bubble exploded while you were blowing it up, and the gunk got in your hair? How upset were you when it wouldn’t wash out, and you looked ridiculous after your mom had to cut it out? This story is exactly like that, except replace plastic goop with hot sugar, and replace you with someone awesome.
This man is a humble street artist/vendor in Xi’an, China. He uses his skills to make animal shaped candy treats using nothing but hot sugar and his breath. Speaking of his breath, I hope he pops mints regularly, because no one wants to bite into a hollow sugar shell to find it filled with coffee and cigarette flavored air. Never mind the fact that he probably doesn’t get to wash his hands very often, if he’s at his cart all day. The cart that is outside and undoubtedly attracts flies and vermin from miles around. Why am I being so hard on this man who crafts beautiful animals for children using a traditional Chinese folk art? He knows what he did.
Look at that magnificent bastard. He could be making candy hearts and soaking panties all over the whole Shaanxi province, but no. He devoted his life to making animals out of pure sugar, and handing them out to children. Those things must be disgustingly sweet, like Peeps but edible. He must do great business for the dentist whose office outside of which he undoubtedly sets up every day. Four out of five dentists recommend Trident, but five out five dentists recommend bribing China’s leading cavity artisan to lure children to your workplace. The guy is like the pied piper of diabetes.