Ewoks Infested The ‘Conan’ Set Last Night

Senior Contributor
12.16.15

There are two groups of people: Those who see the Ewok for what it is, the first sign that Star Wars would go horribly awry, and those who wrongly think they’re cute. Fortunately, Conan O’Brien has a heart of steel and does what not even the Empire could do. Namely, he kills off the fuzzy little jerks after comparing them to vermin.

Some may object that Ewoks are cute and harmless, but stop and consider this: We don’t see any real meat sources on Endor, and yet they celebrate the destruction of the Death Star and the coming Endor ecopocalypse with a barbecue. We know they were planning to eat Han before 3PO pulled a Spanish invader on them. We see them using Stormtrooper skulls as drums, which, by the way, nobody in the human contingent thought to object to? Yeah, Stormtroopers are crappy people and clones, but they’re still deserving of a decent burial.

Yes, my friends, Ewoks eat people. To them, we’re nothing but hams on legs. Had Conan let the infestation spread, they might have eaten Andy Richter live on air. It may seem like the difficult thing, but Conan had no choice. And now that he’s got a Death Star, he could just finish off Endor. That moon has it coming.

(Via YouTube)

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