10 facts from Rowling’s new ‘Harry Potter’ story confirm Dolores Umbridge is the worst

10.31.14

Happy Halloween! To celebrate this spooktacular holiday, J.K. Rowling has released a new “Harry Potter” horror story. At least, that must be what this is right? Why else would she put out new information on Dolores Umbridge – second only to Voldemort in True Evil™ and arguably scarier for her innocent-old-lady exterior – on All Hallow”s Eve?

If you have a Pottermore account, head on over here to read Umbridge”s biography in full. If you don”t have a (free) login, or you”ve just got things to do today, below are ten things to know about the Wizarding World”s most heinous cat lady.

1. Dolores Umbridge was born on August 26. I assume it was a blood moon that night or the tides ran backwards or some other sign that pure evil had entered the world.

2. She has an 8 inch long birch and dragonstring wand. She”s the only known birch wand owner, presumedly because anyone else who tried to procure one suspiciously died before they graduated Hogwarts.

3. Umbridge was Slytherin, because of course she was. Also, getting real tired of all these psychopaths making my House look bad.

4. She invented that damn torture quill. I bet she patented it, too. I bet she framed the patent number and it was hanging in her office with all those creepy cat plates.

5. Even Dolores Umbridge had a family. A wizard father, a Muggle mother(!), and a Squib brother. At some point the family unit fractured into magical vs. non-magical and Umbridges'. Dolores's mother and brother never saw her again. And nothing of value to them was lost.

6. Dolores Umbridge never married or had children. Thank goodness for small favors.

7. After her mother and brother fled – I assume due to Dolores” early sociopathic tendencies – Umbridge made up a new pure-blood lineage. Anyone who questioned whether or not her father used to be a janitor at the Ministry tended to have nasty accidents. Eventually people took the hint and pretended to accept her new backstory.

8. Umbridge quickly climbed the ladder at the Ministry of Magic because sociopaths are great at figuring out who to suck up to and who they can emotionally – and sometimes physically – abuse.

9. Her proclivity towards all things twee didn”t start to get bad until later in life. Whether because she was becoming more unhinged or as a way to hide her cruel nature remains a mystery.

10. She was so extreme, even the Death Eaters thought her views on how to treat Muggles were shocking. Death Eaters thought she was gauche, y”all. Death. Eaters.

 
 

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