Damien Fahey looks like an angel. When I picture Heaven above, I see a kingdom of clouds where 1,000 white-robed Damiens float about in serene contemplation, tiny dewdrops glistening on their foreheads. If you’re unfamiliar with the visuals of Heaven, you may recognize Damien’s face from hosting gigs on shows like MTV’s “TRL” and ABC’s “I’m a Celebrity…Get Me Out of Here.” The latter title being the name I’m going to start giving when I order a drink at Starbucks.
In addition to having TV chops, Damien also happens to be a truly hilarious individual. He tweets under his own name, and his jokes are ultra-sharp and full of topical references. Saint Peter must be proud. Here are ten of Damien’s best tweets:
10. Congratulations to Martin Luther King Jr. for having the only dream in history anyone actually wanted to hear about.
9. Every frozen yogurt store feels like you’re hanging out inside a Japanese girl’s backpack.
8. Making your Instagram private is like putting a Master Lock on a dumpster.
7. Obama’s teleprompter just says, “You’re the man. Wing it.”
6. Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
5. When someone tells me about a book they’ve read, I pretentiously say, “Oh, I don’t even own a book.”
4. Anne Hathaway is like if a Facebook inspirational quote came to life.
3. If the car behind me honks while waiting for my parking space at the mall, I turn off my car and visibly start a Rubik’s cube.
2. “I have to warn you, I’ve never played the trumpet and I’m extremely drunk.” “Great. You’re hired.” – Audition for Homeland theme music
1. Rappers shouldn’t have to file taxes because they itemize everything they own in songs.