This is exciting: Oprah is telling Lindsay Lohan what to do, and we get to watch. This is why we have TV.
On the most recent episode of “Lindsay,” the OWN network docuseries about the actress who once erroneously claimed to know who killed her, Oprah descended on LiLo like the sword of Damocles and — with the shaky point of her index finger — asked if Lindsay had been drinking recently. Lindsay shook her head no as several flasks fell out of her hair, but the real highpoint was at the end of the interview when Oprah told the fussy star: “The vultures are waiting to pick your bones. And that shouldn”t frighten you, that should liberate you. That should liberate you. Because if I were you, I wouldn”t let them have me.” Lindsay had tried canceling a shoot earlier that day, but because it cost production money, Oprah bolted in to serve up justice and those fine words of advice.
Conclusion: Every episode of “Lindsay” should be Oprah giving Lindsay advice. Let's help make this happen by suggesting some lessons from Oprah to LiLo.
1. “You've delivered on your promise of sobriety. Thank you, Lindsay. But that's not the same thing as delivering a 4.0 rating. Come on now.”
2. “If you end this show now, you'll never get syndication rights. That's what you want, Lindsay. Syndication. That's how I'm Oprah. That's how I'm not Ricki Lake. That's how Merv Griffin and I bought matching continents. No, you've never heard of them.”
3. “You need a Gayle. Buy a fancy lamp you can talk to.”
4. “Don't let Anjelica Huston beat you to an Oscar just because Margaret Avery split your vote. Believe in yourself and 30 years from now no one will remember what 'Prizzi's Honor' is.”
5. “Let the vultures circle. They'll block you from any more sun damage.”
6. “It's like my friend Alice Walker said: 'Who the f*ck is Lindsay Lohan?' You can only improve from there.”
7. “Don't get self-important, honey. This is cable. I'm not paying anyone enough to care about you.”
8. “No pressure, but I'll bury you and Nate Berkus in the same CB2 ottoman if you keep this up.”
9. “Get back to your craft, Lindsay. The craft of making me money.”
10. “Let my unflinching stare be your sobriety coach. Bye now.”
And oh, look: Next week's adventure is even greater.