Family time is wonderful, but let's face it: An integral part of the Christmas experience is checking your phone every 45 minutes to see if Twitter's finest have anything entertaining to report. We combed Twitter for the best of 2014's yuletide quips. These were the most satisfying stocking stuffers.
Best thing about being deep in debt is that a few more expensive Christmas presents aren't going to make any fucking difference.
– Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) December 26, 2014
Grandma won't even suspect that I bought her gift last minute pic.twitter.com/St4lnv1S1x
– Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) December 25, 2014
Thank goodness we have “The Interview” to heal our broken nation this Christmas. It's a capitalist miracle!
– Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) December 25, 2014
During the holidays, there's honestly nothing better than being with family for 15, maybe 20 minutes.
– Kevin Farzad (@KevinFarzad) December 25, 2014
Merry Christmas!!! Hope it's a great one!!! And don't worry, there's only a 25% chance your dad has a secret family in Denver.
– Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) December 25, 2014
Finally a movie brave enough to say what everybody was already thinking and saying about Kim Jong-Un. #TheInterview
– Andy Kindler (@AndyKindler) December 26, 2014
Unless you got a puppy, I don't want to see your gifts on Instagram.
– kelly oxford (@kellyoxford) December 25, 2014
You know grown-up Jesus didn't see a shekel of that gold he got for his birthday, which totally explains why he was so weird about money
– Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) December 26, 2014
“Wait, there was a witch musical I wasn't in? Get my agent on the GODDAMN PHONE!” – Idina Menzel, tearing down an Into the Woods poster
– Chris Schleicher (@cschleichsrun) December 25, 2014
Angelina smiles expectantly as each family member unwraps their Unbroken screener
– Richard Lawson (@rilaws) December 25, 2014
I love seeing the look on my kids” faces on Christmas morning when I tell them we”re Hindu.
– Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) December 25, 2014
After Santa visits your house but before he returns to the North Pole, you can kill a guy and stay on the Nice list. That's just science.
– Tim Siedell (@badbanana) December 25, 2014
Twat the night before Christmas #YuletideTypos
– Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) December 25, 2014
Merry Christmas to all verifieds
– Chelsea Peretti (@ChelseaVPeretti) December 25, 2014
You better watch out, / You better not cry, / You better not pout, / I”m telling you why: / We live in a police state.
– braden graeber (@hipstermermaid) December 25, 2014
*sobs* North Korea is making me call Chanukah “garbage pig Christmas.” *sobs* I don't want to but *sobs* I have to. *fully crying*
– rachel lichtman (@DJRotaryRachel) December 21, 2014
I got my mom a new kitchen trashcan to replace her ancient rusty one and she cried because it was my “childhood trashcan.” Okay, merry Xmas.
– Julieanne Smolinski (@BoobsRadley) December 25, 2014
Maybe your family doesn't suck. Maybe you suck because you've been on your phone all day hoping to entertain Twitter strangers. Merry Xmas.
– Kyle Kinane (@kylekinane) December 26, 2014
Let someone know you hate them by texting “Merry Christmas.” at 11:59pm.
– Damien Fahey (@DamienFahey) December 26, 2014
“Oh, is it your birthday today?” – Jesus' gay friend
– Gary Janetti (@GaryJanetti) December 26, 2014