‘Big Brother’ recap: A hamster is cut but has a shot to return

08.22.13 4 years ago 14 Comments


Well, we can pretty much check out for at least half of this episode, as we all know what’s going to happen, don’t we? Helen is the target, and no amount of wheedling or crying is likely to save her. Well, unless another hamster throws his or her sound pack or tries to drown McCranda in the bathtub. That sounds tempting, but alas, unlikely.

Of course, Helen started campaigning to save herself from the moment she got put on the block. She tearfully tells Elissa she needs to work with GinaMarie and Aaryn. So, Andy pops in, because he seems to have a second sense as to when anyone or anything threatens the 3am alliance — it’s like his superpower, which is a pretty sad superpower to have. 

Helen begins tearfully (yes, EVERYTHING Helen does this week is done tearfully) telling Andy he’s the swing vote. Andy assures her he’s not a swing vote. She tearfully warns him America is watching and he Will Be Judged. Helen isn’t necessarily wrong, but she really needs to work on her delivery.

Andy is so pissed. How can Helen delineate who the good versus the evil people are in the house?Oh, Andy. Rest assured, America has determined who’s good and evil. The easy guideline of “who said hateful, racist stuff” made it so easy!

Anyway, Andy stomps off to tattle to Amanda. With friends like Andy, you don’t need enemies. Or feral cats. Or sociopaths. 

Helen can tell Andy is lying to her, so she goes to McCrae. Um, Helen? Unless you’re willing to get a boob job and grind yourself against McCrae, you can’t really win here. Then, Helen warns McCrae that Amanda would be an awful wife. “Why are you so scared of her, McCrae?” Oh, oh my. Helen, you would make a terrible politician! Or marriage therapist!

McCrae thinks Helen is the same kind of pushy that Amanda is. He’s not entirely wrong. Helen is just too desperate, if you ask me.

Sensing someone trying to manipulate her gob of mush, Amanda corners McCrae to analyze Helen’s comments. How dare Helen call her a bully! She’s not a bully… is she? McCrae takes his life into his own hands and tells her she can be bossy. Oh, yay. Now we’re going down the rabbit hole. I’m  not mean! I’m not a bully! You don’t think I’m a bully, do you? DO YOU?

Still, Helen scampers around the house, crying and talking. Helen and Elissa work on Gina Marie, then Andy. Gina Marie and Andy nod and nod and, I’m pretty sure, just want Helen to shut up more than they want to change their votes. 

Time to talk to Julie, who gets to remember she was once an actual journalist at times like this. How did the hamsters like feeling around in the dark for the Have/Have Not Challenge? Not much, in short. Except for Gina Marie. She had a good time! Even though her team lost. But she had fun! Gina Marie is such a character. Always having a good time except when she’s trying to pick a fight or be a big time racist. 

Time for the eviction. Yeah, we know what’s going to happen. Helen makes a big shout out to her family and stuff. And she begs for her survival. She loves them all! She is tearful!

McCrae votes to evict Helen. Is it possible for him to wear more bandanas?

Amanda votes to evict Helen.

Elissa votes to evict Spencer.

Andy votes to evict Helen.

Gina Marie votes to evict Helen. 

So, Helen is out and McCranda rules the house… or do they? Because we’re going to see some very surprised hamsters when they discover someone’s coming back. Mwahahaha!

Anyway, time for Helen to go. Tears! Big kisses! I will say, at least Helen isn’t leaving in a snit. A politician to the end!

When she talks to Julie, Helen says Andy is not a liar. He’s an all-American boy, just so honest and loving! Hahahahaha! To Julie’s credit, she doesn’t roll her eyes. Actually, I’m not sure she can. 

Helen admits she turned on the waterworks. She went down swinging! And crying!

It’s time for Helen’s goodbye messages. Andy tells Helen she was bad to other people. Yeah, better hope she’s not back in the game, Andy. McCrae says she wanted to go after his queen, which makes me want to throw up a bit. Amanda tells her she respects her, and I am shocked that Amanda actually reserved her snark this time around. Elissa tells Helen she’s going to fight for both of them now.

Regrets, Helen? She says she would not have taken out Howard and would have gunned for Amanda a lot earlier. But alas, it’s too late… or is it? Julie finally springs the twist on Helen — she might be able to come back! Helen bounces up and down like a bobble head. Yay! She hasn’t eaten real food in two weeks! Maybe give the girl a snack first? 

But no, she has to go change and we have to watch a condensed edit of the jurors ending up in the very, very nice jury house. Honestly, I think the hamsters should not be in a rush to go back into the “Big Brother” house, given these digs. 

Judd and Candice hug and stuff. Candice adores Judd, so as sad as she is he didn’t go further, he’s better company than Gina Marie. Judd wants to see Helen come through the door. I’m really surprised by how much resentment Judd has for Helen. Jessie walks in, and there’s more hugging. Judd had almost forgotten how hot she was. 

Time for gossip. There’s lots of bagging on Helen. And no bagging on Amanda? Judd is holding on to hope he might be able to get back into the house — and, I guess, stick Helen’s head in the toilet. Judd says, if he gets the chance to live his dream, he is going to be like pest control — putting up Amanda and Helen. Jessie is going to go after the people who got her out of the house, which I think means everybody. Candice wants to take down Gina Marie. I would tell Candice to also take down Aaryn, but, as I recall, Candice sucked at challenges so she probably doesn’t have to worry about it anyway. 

The jurors are taken to the “Big Brother” set and Helen hops up and down like a hyperactive kid. Helen is probably semi-lucid thanks to eating slop for two weeks and sleeping in airplane seats. 

Then, it’s time to break the news to the hamsters that a jury member will be joining them. Oh, this will be awesome! Be afraid, hamsters, be very afraid. And the news is met with… nervous, frozen smiles, for the most part. Elissa looks thrilled. Amanda looks pissed. 

For some reason, the jury members are allowed to go back into the house so there can be a big, awkward reunion before the competition. Candice is so happy she even hugs Aaryn and Gina Marie. Amanda still looks pissed. How DARE Big Brother interfere with her total control of the house! Humph!

The competition is called Off the Wall. Two competitions happen at the same time — one for HoH, and one for the jury members to decide who gets to go back into the house. Balls will be thrown at all of them while they stand on moving pedestals, and they have to catch ten balls without falling. If the winner is a jury member, they also get to become HoH. Woof! That double win option might be necessary if you want to last longer than a week. 

I am expecting all of the balls to be thrown directly at Helen. Still, this seems like an odd challenge if the producers want Helen back in the house. She’s been a Have Not for two weeks, though, so she probably isn’t thinking straight or feeling coordinated. Basically, she has no shot. Weird. I really did think this was the producers way of moving the chess pieces in a very specific way. 

The first person to catch a ball is, strangely, Jessie. Oh, the sprinklers just got turned on. That’s fun. Okay, balls are not being thrown. This will likely take all damn day. It will definitely take longer than the show has, so we will find out the results either a) as soon as someone watching the live feed posts them on the Internet or b) Wednesday if we can’t be bothered. I’m guessing Jessie might just take that double win — and man, that would be a REALLY interested twist.

Who do you think is going back into the house? Do you think Amanda, who never wins anything ever, should worry? And what do you think of the twist?

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