You might guess that “Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2” is the cinematic equivalent of a greasy paper plate that should be wadded up and thrown away outside a Sbarro, and you, sir or madam, are a good guesser.
Critics and Twitter pundits agree that the new Kevin James flick is bad for humankind. But there's an upside here: Hilarious comments about bad movies are good for humankind. We've rounded up ten good (and/or just irreverent) takedowns of “PBMC2” and ranked them for your disgusted pleasure.
10. The philosophical take.
“This oft-ridiculed screen giant is here to answer a question that has plagued mankind for decades now: what would a film be like if every single person involved made as little effort as humanly possible?”
9. Does Blart imitate life?
“[Paul Blart] is barely anything at all; a stereotype of a stereotype; a half-remembered punchline; a stomach with a mustache and wheels.”
8. Paul Blart is not (hilariously) (un-) funny (enough) (ever).
This wisp of a plot is just an excuse for James to do his one trick over and over: Bluster, then screw up humiliatingly. Is it never funny? No, it”s not never funny. It”s just not funny nearly often enough.”
7. It's a joke for now, but I bet we'll get a “Paul Blart 3” set in the Old West.
– Alex Blagg (@alexblagg) April 17, 2015
6. Every now and then Paul Blart gets a little bit lonely.
Once upon a time I was segwaying in love, now I'm only segwaying apart. Nothing I can do… Total eclipse of the Blart.
– Russell Hainline (@RussellHFilm) April 17, 2015
5. The main problem with Paul Blart is he's not PAUL BLART enough.
“Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 seemingly does the impossible: It makes you wish it were dumber, grosser, and more offensive – instead of the nothing movie that it is.” – Bilge Ebiri, Vulture
4. Wait: “Paul Blart” has OSCAR cred?
“Despite the fact that she's featured prominently in the credits, two-time Oscar nominee Shirley Knight disappears within the first few minutes of Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2, her character unceremoniously run over by a milk truck. Lucky her.”
3. Oh, Paul Blart. Segway thyself.
“'Help someone today,'” Paul Blart urges his keynote listeners; with any luck, he”ll take his own advice and keep us from having to see him in a movie ever again.”
2. We just don't understand PB. Maybe we never will.
Sure, fatty already fall down. But what PAUL BLART MALL COP 2: FATTY FALL DOWN AGAIN asks is: what if fatty fall down *again*?
– Eric D. Snider (@EricDSnider) April 15, 2015
1. The truth.
“The film is so mordantly witless that it takes on the quality of a bleak art-house tragedy. Michael Haneke would struggle to construct a character so worthlessly lost as that played by Kevin James.”