Blart Attack: The internet is destroying ‘Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2’

04.17.15 2 years ago

You might guess that “Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2” is the cinematic equivalent of a greasy paper plate that should be wadded up and thrown away outside a Sbarro, and you, sir or madam, are a good guesser.

Critics and Twitter pundits agree that the new Kevin James flick is bad for humankind. But there's an upside here: Hilarious comments about bad movies are good for humankind. We've rounded up ten good (and/or just irreverent) takedowns of “PBMC2” and ranked them for your disgusted pleasure.

10. The philosophical take.

“This oft-ridiculed screen giant is here to answer a question that has plagued mankind for decades now: what would a film be like if every single person involved made as little effort as humanly possible?”  

Tom Huddleston, Time Out London 

9. Does Blart imitate life?

“[Paul Blart] is barely anything at all; a stereotype of a stereotype; a half-remembered punchline; a stomach with a mustache and wheels.”

Robbie Collin, The Telegraph

8. Paul Blart is not (hilariously) (un-) funny (enough) (ever).

This wisp of a plot is just an excuse for James to do his one trick over and over: Bluster, then screw up humiliatingly. Is it never funny? No, it”s not never funny. It”s just not funny nearly often enough.”

Sara Stewart, NY Post 

7. It's a joke for now, but I bet we'll get a “Paul Blart 3” set in the Old West.

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6. Every now and then Paul Blart gets a little bit lonely. 

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5. The main problem with Paul Blart is he's not PAUL BLART enough. 

“Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 seemingly does the impossible: It makes you wish it were dumber, grosser, and more offensive – instead of the nothing movie that it is.” – Bilge Ebiri, Vulture

4. Wait: “Paul Blart” has OSCAR cred?  

“Despite the fact that she's featured prominently in the credits, two-time Oscar nominee Shirley Knight disappears within the first few minutes of Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2, her character unceremoniously run over by a milk truck. Lucky her.”

Frank Scheck, THR

3. Oh, Paul Blart. Segway thyself. 

“'Help someone today,'” Paul Blart urges his keynote listeners; with any luck, he”ll take his own advice and keep us from having to see him in a movie ever again.”

Justin Chang, Variety

2. We just don't understand PB. Maybe we never will. 

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1. The truth. 

“The film is so mordantly witless that it takes on the quality of a bleak art-house tragedy. Michael Haneke would struggle to construct a character so worthlessly lost as that played by Kevin James.”

Donald Clarke, Irish Times  

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