Now, before I turn this into a proper town hall meeting about Leonardo DiCaprio's dance moves at Coachella, a disclaimer: We can't 100% confirm this is Leo since his back is turned in the footage, but we do have a lot of photographic evidence that he attended Coachella, wore the polo shirt and board shorts you see here, and covered his face with that inventive wrap technique usually reserved for Blanket Jackson. So in other words: It's almost certainly, nearly definitely Leonardo DiCaprio, star of J. Edgar and Marvin's Room.
Watch the above video. Experience Leo's dancing. Also experience his lunging, punching, thugging, and thrusting.
Guys, wow. What. What is he doing here. What is he achieving. How did this. What is. Who? What. A who-what now. Stop. How. Go.
He begins with traditional Caucasian bopping. I'm on board. But not for board shorts. That's not what I said. I'm just on board.
Then after the documentarian films her own reaction, we return to Leo, who continues his limp ass wag in the fashion of a lonely beagle. That continues for a short eternity before — without warning — the muse takes over and Leo unleashes a series of tricks worthy of Lance Burton. First, a Tae-Bo knee jab. Just a jab. Doink. THEN comes a full 180-degree arm swing that I think was supposed to be a punch? Could it be? It had the look of a toddler trying to attack his sister without leaving his highchair. Leo recovers quickly from that jazz whiff and immediately bops into thug antics. Each bop is packed with a message, and that message is either “Yeah, boieeeee” or “I saw this on 'Wild N Out' once.” His shifting stance is reminiscent of “Mortal Kombat” characters preceding a battle. Look out, here comes Kano!
Then he unleashes a few forceful hand gestures, and they're actually scary because he's a masked man with too much self-confidence. He might be taking hostages. Or he might be listening to Jock Jams. It is probably both.
His ballet concludes with a quick, joyous, “bro world peace” arm raise. And there we are. Unified in dance. Brothers in board shorts. Wolves of 42nd Street.
I'm not the same. Jordan Belfort, save us all.