‘Project Runway: All Stars’ recap: ‘Up Your Aerosol’

Oh, goody. It’s a wearable art challenge! We know how these tend do go, don’t we? Some people think of art as a nice dress, and other people think of art as something melting and puked up all over a wall with bits of twigs in it, and those people tend to send walking nightmares down the runway and go home. Really, I think the judges need to define art, which, as I recall, took my college professor a few classes to really nail down (and even then, the upshot is, “art is what you make it”), so maybe they could do everyone a solid and explain that they’d like to see a nice jumpsuit or something.

But no, there will be no definition of art today. Instead, the designers are trucked out to Long Island City to look at a warehouse covered in aerosol art! Do you know ANYONE EVER who’s called graffiti aerosol art? Someone you didn’t tease on a regular basis? 

Anyway, the designers will be able to rub shoulders with three of the best “writers” in the world. What, Michael Chabon is here? Oh, no, a writer is an artist the way graffiti is aerosol art. My head is spinning! They’ve collaborated with Louis Vuitton, Nike, and Robert DeNiro. Because when I think graffiti, I think DeNiro. Oh yes, there is a challenge now that we’ve reviewed the urban dictionary for the last ten minutes. The designers have to create wearable art using their own patterns made using spray paint.

Laura Kathleen is NOT happy to be spray painting in her expensive clothing. This is our first hint that the episode is going to be devoted to reminding us exactly how annoying Laura Kathleen was during her season. Funny, I didn’t need the refresher. 

After the designers sketch, the “writers” show them how to spray paint. Or aerosol artify or whatever the hell. At one point, Ivy asks Casanova if he needs any help, which completely freaks out Laura Kathleen. She’s here to win! What’s with all this helpful crap? Since Casanova helped Ivy during the last challenge, she just wanted to return the favor. Pfft! What silliness, that milk of human kindness nonsense!

In the lunchroom, Kayne merrily tells Ivy all of the insane, stupid crap Laura Kathleen has said about her ridiculously wealthy upbringing. Ivy doesn’t want to jump on the hater train, but Laura Kathleen walks in and immediately senses she’s being made fun of.Oddly, she doesn’t suspect her greatest critic is Kayne and starts bitching about Ivy. Oh, mean girls! It’s like high school all over again!

Eventually the designers get back to designing, and in walks Joanna Coles. She notes Althea’s print looks like what she’s wearing. Well, it’s one of her prints!, funnily enough! Joanna declares that it doesn’t seem like the dress is doing the work, but the body is doing the work. Joanna might as well be speaking Russian for all the sense that makes, but Althea nods seriously, taking it under advisement.

Emilio talks about his blood-dripping jacket, which is all kinds of awesome. Joanna thinks it’s interesting. Let’s just say Joanna still is no Tim Gunn.

She tells Kayne his outfit makes her think of her fine line in fashion — is it hideous or is it fabulous? Kayne smiles. He doesn’t seem to think this is a problem. She digs Anthony Ryan’s print. She loves Casanova’s print. She also loves Uli’s print. I do, too. Basically, there’s lots of love right up until she gets to Suede’s ugly ass dress. But here’s the thing — she doesn’t say how hideous it is. She just wishes him luck. If Joanna were Tim Gunn, she’d frown and pause and finally say, do you really think this works? Why? But, as we know, she’s no Tim Gunn.

She also won’t rag on Laura Kathleen for her hooch hemline, and all she’ll say to Ivy, who has made a ridiculously on-the-nose print made up of words splattered against a yellow and red background, is to ask if she’s thought about the taste factor. Oh, just say what you’re really thinking, Joanna! Don’t be shy! We’re all thinking it, too!

Time for the runway! Our judges are Georgina Chapman, Isaac Mizrahi and designers Jeffrey Costello and Robert Tagliapetra. They are adored by Anna Wintour and they look like lumberjacks. 

I don’t mind the print, but the tulle at the waist makes her look like an Easter basket. 

I dig this. The shoulders are borderline costume, but I don’t mind given that the fabric is beautiful and the rest of the dress is minimalist.

I’m torn. It’s kind of an acid, Katy Perry nightmare, but there’s something fun about it. Maybe that’s just because the model looks like the circus big top. 

Way too short, and what’s the black crap in the rear? She looks like a potholder.

Love the dress itself, but hate the print. It looks cheap, like he couldn’t afford printed fabric and had to make it up. Everyone in the workroom loves it, which suggests I could make a killing selling my the doodles I draw during boring phone conversations.

Sweet, simple and the embellishments make it.

I love this. It’s hot, and the colors are fab. More importantly, the tailoring is so sharp and feels modern. I’d buy this. 

This is a Halloween costume. It’s like the evil Little Mermaid or something. 

This is only okay, but I do like the print, even if it’s a little sedate and doesn’t look like “aerosol art.”

I hate the print. Just hate it. If you’re going to create a print with words, at least do something with the words to make them interesting. She might as well had the model wear a piece of notebook paper.

I like the bodice, but it turns wonky from the waist down. 

Ivy, Emilio, Suede, Anthony Ryan, Kayne and Laura Kathleen are called onto the carpet. Everyone else is safe.

Anthony Ryan is first. Georgina thinks his proportions are dead on. She likes the cut out in the back. Lumberjack Robert loves the print, but Lumberjack Jeffrey thinks it’s junior. Ding, ding, ding. I am not understanding the love fest for this. 

Laura Kathleen talks about her splatter effect. Georgina thinks the hemline cheapens it. Isaac likes the idea of the fringe but not the execution. The lumberjacks wished the hem was straight and longer. Carolyn loved it but didn’t like the fringe.

Suede talks about his print. Georgina loves that he went feminine, but thinks he lost the spray paint feel. Isaac doesn’t think it’s wearable. Carolyn doesn’t like the paillettes. 

Emilio talks about ’80s graffiti. Carolyn loves his look. She wants to wear it. Georgina wishes the belt had been wider. Isaac thinks the skirt makes it work. Lumberjack Robert wishes he’d used brass zipper.

Georgina thinks Ivy did a great job. Isaac wishes she hadn’t used the word tenacity. He loves the cut of the back of the jacket. Lumberjack Jeffrey wishes she hadn’t used white in the skirt.

Kayne talks about his dress. Isaac thinks there’s a disconnect between the top and the bottom. Lumberjack Jeffrey thinks the stripes create an illusion of girth. Georgina thinks it’s lost its fun.

Ivy is… safe. It’s down to Anthony Ryan and Emilio. Emilio wins! Anthony Ryan is safe.

Laura Kathleen is… safe. Suede is… out. Kayne is in. 

Can’t say this is a surprise, given how awful this dress was. 

Suede’s time to go again, says Suede! “Designers, I want you to rock the runway and make Daddy Cat proud!” What?