Can you believe Ven is gone? I know; it’s a huge relief. Anyway, the designers feel the same way, and not just because they were so sick of that fan/flower trick they wanted to yank their own teeth to distract themselves from the searing pain of seeing it over and over and OVER again. But Ven’s timely exit has left them a little shaken — and focused on getting to Lincoln Center. Christopher, however, is feeling confident, having won three challenges. I think Christopher may be getting a little smug, really.
As we know, this challenge takes our designers to a Babys R Us. “Heidi’s there, and Heidi has like, uh, 105 kids,” says Dimitry. Well, four, 105, close enough. She’s created a line called Truly Scrumptious for Babys R Us. She wants the designers to create a baby look for her baby line! Baby, baby, baby! Plug, plug, plug! A bunch of women roll strollers containing real, live babies onto the sales floor. Dmitry thinks this is like making an outfit for a cat, literally. Well, with cats you have to create a little hole for the tail, but otherwise, yeah.
Everyone gets an infant to design for! They do not, however, get to keep said infants. Elena is so excited about her baby! I wonder if she knows she isn’t allowed to eat it.
There will be two winning designers — one look for a girl, one for a boy. And the designers have to use Heidi’s fabric from her baby line. Baby, baby, baby! Plug, plug, plug!
After the designers consult with their teensy little clients (well, really, their moms — otherwise they’d be trying to interpret “gaaa” as a fashion direction), Heidi tells them they will be getting a surprise back in the workroom. “I know it’s not a surprise, I know it’s something bleeped up,” says Elena, though she doesn’t say bleeped. Figure it out.
Back in the workroom, they’re so delighted that they have little mannequins! And little baby dolls! That cry! Ah-ha! I see a mean-spirited twist, don’t you? Tim tells them the dolls are like real babies, so the designers can understand what goes into having real infants. When they’re creepy doll cries, they need to feed it, rock it, or change it. The final option is tolerating terrifying electronic screaming, which is far worse than actual screaming.
So, I am not surprised when the shrieking babies start to get on everyone’s nerves. Elena, who loved her real teensy client so much, declares her baby’s name is bleephole. Again, she does not say the non-word bleephole.
The designers, who’ve had to tolerate ACTUAL HOURS of crying baby time, are simply overwhelmed! “How are we going to get anything done?” they whine, falling into swoons. Um, designers? Welcome to the world of EVERY WORKING MOTHER EVER.
Fabio talks to his baby. I suspect Fabio will be a good daddy if he and his boyfriend have kids. Dmitry, however, thinks this is all kinds of psycho. Dmitry doesn’t think he wants kids anytime soon, which is good, as I think he’d probably beat a kid against a stove until it’s dead just so he can get back to work.
As befits a loving daddy, Fabio is very protective of his little bean. When Sonjia suggests that his doll is making the other dolls cry, Fabio is gravely insulted! He has a POLITE baby! He’s polite, so his baby’s polite! And his baby looks just like him and has already learned how to eat peas, so suck it, Sonjia! Your baby’s probably ugly and smells bad! I am half expecting Fabio to clutch his baby doll to his chest and have a hissing argument with Sonjia, in which he tells her that she clearly doesn’t love her child or she would be following the rules of attached parenting and would be spending her free time making organic baby food from the craft services table, too.
Christopher, who has been known on occasion for having a melodramatic flair, moans, “I know why Judy went off the deep end with Liza.” As if Liza with a Z didn’t have enough problems, Christopher. Blame the victim, geez!
Anyway, when the designers aren’t complaining about having to change un-poopied diapers, Tim drops by with a special guest — Heidi! She wants to check out her free labor, I mean, the designers!
First up, Elena, who talks about how her client’s mom wanted a dressy blazer. Tim thinks she’s showing great restraint in not making one with shoulder pads (is that sarcasm dripping out of your mouth, Tim? So messy), but he’s concerned that it isn’t practical. But Heidi doesn’t want basics! And she thinks it’s cute! So there!
Fabio talks about the drab uniform, I mean, pajama thing he’s making. Heidi explains to him as if he’s slow that mommies like to dress their kids in happy clothes. Happy? Not sad? Happy? Yes, the thing children are when you’re not smothering them, Fabio. Now stop running that Williams-Sonoma baby food blender under your work table and fix that outfit!
Next, Dmitry. His weird jumpsuit inspires Heidi to suggest the kid will look like he’s wearing a backpack strapped to his chest. Dmitry doesn’t seem to understand this is not a compliment. Backpack? Why, he can keep vodka and bullets in there, right? Every baby needs a few bullets! Tim thinks it’s disjointed. “It looks a little homeless,” Sonjia says.
Heidi tells Sonjia to add detail to her little suit jacket, but overall it seems well-received. Christopher moans that his client’s mommy wanted VERY specific things. As in, an all-white outfit. Heidi suggests he make a flower skirt. Christopher just wants to make Heidi happy! Yes, it’s blatant sucking up, but he’s not wrong.
Heidi notes that she already has the same pants Melissa has designed for her client in her collection. However, in her collection, they actually fit. Where is the fun factor? Melissa is panicked. What does she do now?
Before Heidi leaves, she must inform her free labor, I mean the designers, that there’s a twist. They must also create complementary looks for Mommy. Woof. But, hey, they get an extra day in which to do it, so it’s practically a vacation. Also, Heidi notes that this is a companion piece, so the baby’s outfit is what they’ll really be judged on. And they get to go to Mood. With their dolls. This is like a ReBorn convention, but actually more crazy, if that’s even possible.
The designers stagger around Mood as if they’ve been beaten. They are SO exhausted by, like, babies! They hate children! They cry and stuff! And then, those stupid baby dolls have the GALL to cry AT NIGHT! When they need their beauty sleep! They don’t have access to cucumber slices for their eyes, you know — if they look tired on camera, they’re just going to look tired on camera! But I will say, these dolls seem to cry a lot. Just wondering — are these supposed to be teething babies? Or maybe crack babies? I lean toward crack babies.
The next day, Tim collects the babies and takes them to day care, plopped into a wagon. That’s not very baby-friendly, Tim. No babies for you! Our mommy-designers are SO relieved. Now it’s time to go have martinis and complain about the quality of pre-schools in their neighborhoods. Oh, no! They have to work? So unfair!
Finally, it’s time for mother and baby fittings. Christopher’s mom hates the outfit he’s made for her kid. She also hates the dress he made for her, as she thinks the fabric is 1970s tablecloth. So, that Oscar de la Renta silk he was so excited about has just been severely downgraded. He cannot deal with this AND raise a child, you know!
Back at Atlas, everyone talks about how Melissa is starting over and moving very, very slowly. The boys decide they won’t help her no matter what she says, though I suspect Fabio is the most likely to break ranks and sew hemlines for her. Ultimately, none of the boys have to pitch in, because Melissa gets her baby’s mama to sew buttons. A mother’s work is never done!
Good news! The L’Oreal hair and make-up room is mostly about make-up for the moms. So, it’s not a “Toddlers & Tiaras” moment. Phew!
As runway time approaches, Dmitry is worried his client baby is getting tired. He has to sell the look, dammit! Somebody keep an eye on Dmitry. I would not put it past him to poke the kid with pins to get him moving.
It’s runway time! Or, really, wunway time! Ga! Time for Heidi to plug her line again! OKAY, we get it, we can buy your crap at Babys R Us, which is hugely overpriced for the same stuff you can get other places. Yeah, not making a trip for that, really. Our judges are Michael Kors, Nina Garcia, and new mom (and sort of actress, I guess) Hilary Duff.
Fabio
I am not loving the little boy outfit. It’s very dark, though the pocket and the colorful detailing helps. The mom’s dress is only okay, as the asymmetrical hemline is not working for me.
Melissa
Yeah, she might be going home. The baby’s dress is too short (diaper flash!), and the mom’s shorts don’t fit. I like the idea, but the looks don’t really go together. And the psycho face on the kid’s vest? Ick. Tacky, not cute.
Dmitry
The kid looks like he was dressed by Ikea. And his weird little jumper is tight in the crotch. The mom’s dress seems chic and modern, but because she’s holding the kid, we hardly get to see it.
Sonjia
Oh, this is cute, cute, cute, and this is the best mommy & me combination thus far. I love that this is a little suit but looks entirely comfortable and easy to run around in. It has a sense of humor plus it’s practical. I also love the mommy outfit, because it looks easy and yet is dressy enough to wear out.
Christopher
I like the mommy dress, but I don’t think the baby dress is practical. It’s cute, yes, but I want to see how that translates into mass production. And the jacket looks stiff and uncomfortable.
Elena
This is looks like what might happen if you teach your toddler to shoplift then decide to dress her in the dark. Crazy shirt, ill-fitting jacket, mismatched pants. Blech.
The judges all ovulate and coo over the kids. Sonjia talks about her little suit. Heidi loves that they look good together, and that he seems comfortable. Hilary loves that it can be dressed up or down. Michael thinks it’s tailored with sweats combined, so he looks polished but comfortable. Nina thinks it looks really smart.
Melissa’s turn to beg for her life. Heidi loves the baby’s vest. Really? It’s atrocious! But she doesn’t love the dress, because it’s too simple and it exposes her butt. The side zip isn’t good for baby skin. She thinks the mom looks too messy. Hilary also thinks the zipper is dangerous. But she loves the look! Michael thinks she made fabric mistakes. But he loves the vest! It adds personality! Yeah, psychotic personality. And he thinks the mom’s outfit was smarter than anyone’s else’s! Nina doesn’t think the dress is practical.
Fabio talks about his gloomy baby outfit. Michael thinks it’s modern nautical. Heidi loves the boy’s look. She loves the details! But Mom looks momsy and too old. Nina actually liked both Mom and baby. Hilary loves his outfit. He looks like a little old-fashioned baby! That just sounds like an insult to me.
Elena talks about her looks. Michael thinks the jacket is well-crafted, but thinks the whole outfit looks like a baby sample sale. Heidi loves the jacket, but thinks the pants look disheveled. Hilary also loves the jacket. Nina thinks the jacket is the problem and finds it impractical. But she likes the mom’s look.
Dmitry shows off his zippered hood. Yes, zipper on the skull, great idea. Let’s catch some hair in that and listen to the screams! Michael likes how graphic it is, but the hood is superhero-ish to him. It’s too cape-ish! Heidi and Nina inform him that capes are totally trendy, so he’s a big idiot. Look for Ikeaman at a movie theater near you soon. Anyway, Michael thinks mom is chic. Hilary thinks the boy’s outfit is costume-y, but she likes that. Heidi thinks they look very modern, but it’s not as commercial. Because it looks like the little boy was dressed in East Berlin before the wall came down.
Christopher’s turn. He explains the daisies are held on with snaps. You mean the daisies can be yanked off? I’m guessing not, but if so, that would be a fail. Nina thinks it looks adorable but it’s not practical. Heidi thinks it’s the Sunday brunch outfit. She also thinks Mom looks good. Michael thinks the jacket isn’t working, but he likes the dress. He also thinks the mom dress is fabulous. It’s a brunch mommy & me! Hilary thinks the dress is whimsical.
Heidi thinks everyone did a very good job, which is going to make picking the winners and the loser will be a tough decision. I see Elena going home, as her look was taste-challenged and we all know how the judges feel about that.
Sonjia is… one of the winners! She’s so excited that Heidi is stealing her design to make a crapload of money off of her labor! Christopher is… also a winner! Dmitry is in. Fabio is in.
Melissa is… in. Elena is out.
Elena declares that it sucks to be eliminated, and I’m surprised she doesn’t toss in some more colorful curse words. But then, she looks tired, as Baby Bleephole totally bleeped up her sleep. But she’s relieved to not have to go through any more challenges, as I’m sure they’re only going to get more cray-cray. Tim is so sad not to hear her swear anymore! I think I will be, too. Elena made some weird stuff that didn’t always work, but she had interesting ideas. And she made Dmitry want to swallow tacks or, worse, make her swallow tacks, which was reliably good television.
Did you think it was Elena’s time to go? Who do you think will make the final three? And do you think having the designers take care of dolls was silly or effective?