We are right on the cusp of the season finale of “The Real Housewives of Atlanta,” and thus some important story lines are getting wrapped up. Or unraveled, take your pick. This week, the matter of the Kenya vs. Phaedra workout video war heats up, although a quick look at Amazon suggests exactly who might have won this skirmish, at least in terms of sales. Hey, on this show, dollahs make them hollah. Wait, that’s Honey Boo Boo. But hey, same idea.
I was a little shocked to see that Kenya’s “Booty Boot Camp” DVD is currently ranked at 1,345 on Amazon, while Phaedra’s (which, released earlier than Kenya’s, may have surged and then dipped) is at 3,691 and her Volume 2 follow-up DVD is at 4,282. So, I guess people really do prefer a stallion booty. Who knew?
Still, it seems the producers of “Atlanta” didn’t think much of Phaedra’s video, given how they put together this part of the show. For a while, it politely cuts between Phaedra getting ready for her shoot in some fabulous Beverly Hills mansion and Kenya preparing for hers in Atlanta. Look! They’re the same, but different! They even say equally insulting things about one another! Spongebob Squarepants! Home Depot butt! Waaah!
But once the video starts rolling, Phaedra’s scenes are scored with music you’d associate with farm animals doing math problems or ducks crossing freeways. It doesn’t help that we see every retake and screw-up Phaedra, Apollo and even the DJ make during filming.
Kenya, on the other hand, calls for overhead shots and pick-ups like the pro producer she is. I’m not surprised that she’s far more professional in this context. It also doesn’t hurt that she isn’t wearing an electric green body suit enhanced with yellow lacing that makes her look like lizard-sneaker hybrid. But seriously, when did the show become Team Kenya? It’s not that Kenya’s video didn’t look professional, which it did, but was it necessary to paint Phaedra and Apollo as two blithering nitwits?
Speaking of Kenya, I guess it’s a good thing she looked like a competent and sane person at least once during the episode, because it wasn’t exactly the case otherwise. Of course, we had to pick up where we left off last week, with Kenya storming out of Kandi’s housewarming party due to Walter being there with a date. I think it’s interesting that she’s angry with Walter for hanging out with her “friends,” whom she then refers to as ass clowns a few seconds later for having anything to do with him. I’m not sure Kenya really understands that friends don’t call one another ass clowns, but then, I’m not sure why she considers anyone on this show an actual friend.
Not that Cynthia doesn’t try to be friendly to her, as much as she can be. Later, she and Miss Lawrence sit down with Kenya to try to talk sense to her. Cynthia suggests that she just get the hell over Walter already and accept the fact he’s going to show up at places where she might be, and this doesn’t mean he’s stalking her. It just means he lives in Atlanta. Of course, the way everyone talks about Atlanta, I was starting to think the city had been largely washed away in a hurricane when I wasn’t looking, but no, it’s still the ninth largest metropolitan center in the U.S. So, theoretically, Walter could avoid Kenya by, you know, trying. But that would spoil all our fun!
At first, Kenya is horrified that Cynthia is stabbing her in the back! And the front! Then, suddenly, she decides that Cynthia is her tough-loving BFF. In fact, she agrees with her. What? Where did this calm, cool and collected Kenya come from? Where’s the crazy? Maybe it’s simply that Kenya has realized she has no real friends, Cynthia is less of an ass clown than some other candidates, and she doesn’t want to get stress-cancer. Or, she’s just tired of having to twirl in every episode. I’m sure she’s feeling a bit dizzy at this point.
Luckily, there are some other wives getting on the cray-cray train, which is really everyone else. Porsha decides to see a psychologist to talk about her feelings. She’s sad about having lost her baby when she was four months pregnant, and she doesn’t feel Kordell actually understands. I have to say, for the first time ever I do have sympathy for Porsha. She seems to be sincerely grieving about what’s happened, and I feel for her. Worst of all, she has an uphill battle getting emotional support from a husband who only seems capable in speaking in some kind of sports-related jumble like a Yogi Berra-Fat Albert mash-up (Flimmin’ on the flam! Game on!) while ordering her to stay at home and take care of his potential babies. I hope they iron things out with the help of a professional, simply because I don’t think Porsha will be able to get her point across to Kordell when she’s so busy bowing and scraping.
And then, there’s Kandi. I’ve always thought of her as the voice of reason on this show, so I’m not quite sure how to interpret her conversation with her boyfriend Todd. After explaining to him that someday she’d like her mom to move in with them (and Todd explaining he’d rather that not happen anytime soon), the happy couple talks about babies. Todd would like one or two, and Kandi would like… a surrogate. How does Todd feel about that? Just fine! High five! He wants to “keep it tight, keep it right!” As in, he doesn’t want her to get fat. Psst, Todd? She’s ALREADY HAD A KID. You know, Riley? That youngster wandering around your house? What is he thinking is going to happen that hasn’t already? But Todd wants Kandi to think about having a kid the way she’d think about promoting an album. She wouldn’t “let go” if she knew she had to do that, so why should she “let go” for him? You know, pregnancy weight is not the same as, say, sitting down and eating a cheesecake every night. That’s what I would consider “letting go.”
Seriously, I’m not even sure this conversation is in English anymore. Anyway, they both seem very happy with the idea of farming out the baby making, sort of the way you’d hire a maid (or, if you’re Porsha, a nanny). Honestly, I think you have to put more thought into it, lest your unborn child be stuck inside the womb of a chain-smoking meth head. Their conversation about a prenup appears to more considered than this one, which makes me think they really have no idea what hiring a surrogate would involve. But then, Kandi is a busy woman. She don’t have time for no stinking babies! Hey, Phaedra’s preggers, so maybe she can just buy that one! C’mon, Kandi’s busy selling sex toys! Chop chop!
In one of those totally useless promotional moments we’ve come to associate with the “Real Housewives” franchise, we see Kandi attend a Bedroom Kandi Boutiques Party launch, and accept an AVN Award for the best sex toy line. She gets all teary-eyed seeing all these fabulous women who are willing to push vibrators for a buck and shouts, “We’re gonna run this country like real women bosses do!” I would feel so much more empowered by this if she wasn’t peddling dildos, really.
In other news, we see NeNe watching herself in a scene from “The New Normal,” which officially makes me even less interested in watching this sitcom ever again. In the scene, NeNe plays herself, her mom and her dad. It’s just like a Tyler Perry comedy! And just as unfunny! For some reason, Gregg is blown away. And later, he proposes, calls her the wind beneath his wings, she doesn’t puke at the corniness of it all, and she accepts. I see next season’s finale and a Very Special Episode in the works, don’t you?
Would you buy Phaedra’s video, Kenya’s video, both, or neither? Do you think NeNe and Gregg are soul mates? And do you think Kenya is finally over Walter?