There must be some scifi twist to Savannah. I mean, what else can explain the idea that Porsha and Kenya actually bonded during the girl bonding trip? For starters, no one actually bonds on these adventures, which are really about fueling festering resentments and encouraging the girls to get drunk and pull weaves. Plus, I would sooner think of Kenya stabbing Porsha through the eye or selling the girl’s liver to buy a purse. Savannah has to be parked in some supernatural portal, because this was just one of the many, many weird moments in this week’s show.
First off, there was the TMI. Kandi had to share with the group she’d had phone sex with Todd via Skype, which is no big deal. We venture into TMI territory when Kandi has to explain that she likes to show Todd her hoo-ha (yay technology), which Porsha thinks is so not cute. Of course, Porsha must think her vajayvay is slightly attractive, because then she shares that she has a tattoo right above hers. See what I mean about TMI? Do these girls remember there’s a camera crew right there?
Anyway, Porsha continues. She used to have a piercing in the same spot, but that came out when she was pregnant. “YOU WERE PREGNANT?” Mynique asks in her always-subtle way. Kandi mutters “miscarriage” and, thank God, the conversation moves off of vaginas and tattoos and baby making. Porsha couldn’t possibly bring herself to discuss her pregnancy, which is of course why she brought it up.
Somehow the topic lands on why NeNe is unemployed. She blames the gay haters for the failure of “The New Normal,” as opposed to the fact it was really dumb and not funny. Tomato, tomahto.
But wait! There’s more! Next, we get into the whole Noelle silliness. Despite having been beaten down by NeNe for being a bad mother, Cynthia wants to share with the group. NeNe thinks it’s reprehensible that Cynthia is letting that child date! After all, she was raised more stricter! Yes, she said that. She was raised without a proper use of grammar, too. Oh, and NeNe thinks the girls are way more faster, too. Maybe NeNe should worry less about acting classes and more about taking a basic 8th grade English class.
While NeNe hammers Cynthia about trashy teenage girls, which I suspect Noelle really isn’t, Cynthia becomes sad thinking about her daughter twerking at the mall. The other girls, sensing NeNe is becoming a great big bitch about Cynthia’s parenting skills, try to come to Cynthia’s defense. When Kenya thinks NeNe is over the top, you know she is. Wait, didn’t NeNe become a grandmother recently? I would not be taking her child rearing advice, ever.
Suddenly, Cynthia can take no more and runs out of the room, sobbing. Weirdly, Porsha and Kenya are the two girls who leave the table to comfort her — and weirder still, they actually give some good advice. Well, Porsha gives some good advice. Kenya mostly talks about how she never had a mother, and while she ties it back to the idea that Cynthia is a good mother, it’s mostly Kenya talking about Kenya.
Because Cynthia has set off the waterworks, everyone figures, hey, I can cry, too! So Porsha goes to her room and bursts into tears. After comforting Cynthia, she started thinking about being a stepmother and (uh-oh) checks out Kordell’s Instagram. NeNe tries to comfort her, but she feels this relationship is one-sided. Well, yeah — NeNe, Porsha is going through a divorce. Before that, she had a miscarriage. You lost a gig on a sitcom. I think Porsha has more going on right now. I can’t believe I’m defending Porsha, but jeez, NeNe, you’ve been in Hollywood too long. But NeNe rallies and tells Porsha she has to make contact with Kordell. Given that NeNe is on a roll with the awful advice, why not add this to the pile? Kordell dumped Porsha via text. He dumped off her stuff and changed the locks. What else is there to talk about?
After Kandi and Phaedra spend most of the day cooking dinner, NeNe decides the girls shouldn’t stay at home but should, in fact, go to a drag show and get hammered. Also, Kenya has Velvet flown in, because her Yorkie isn’t feeling so hot. You know, there is nothing better than having your sick dog puke all over a rental. People love that.
NeNe, who is wandering around sprinkling her bad advice on the other girls like toxic fairy dust or blue meth, suggests to Kenya she go and make nice with Phaedra. Kenya acknowledges this is a dumb ass idea, but does it anyway. Guess what? Phaedra nods and smiles and then starts pumping her breast milk to get Kenya out of the room. I’m pretty sure these two are not going to become buddies just by drinking vodka tonics at a drag show together.
We also get a good amount of Kenya talking smack about NeNe in the one-on-one interviews. She basically says NeNe looks like a drag queen, complete with an adam’s apple. What? I am guessing something really nasty is going down between these two later in the season, or Kenya is just on a tear.
After the drag show, it’s time for dinner — at 1 a.m. Those collard greens must be absolute mush, but okay. If I had cooked all day only for NeNe to change plans and put off dinner by four hours, I’d be pissed, but no one seems to mind. The topic at dinner is Porsha texting Kordell. There is a great deal of squealing, which is sad, as this isn’t high school girls squeaking about a cute boy but about a woman dealing with an asshat of a husband who has dumped her out like so much garbage. Yay!
After Kandi suggests to the girls that she’d love them to be in the musical she’s writing (which NeNe may or may not be too busy to do — ahem, NeNe? You may be queen of Atlanta but you’re barely a bit player in Hollywood), NeNe decides it’s time to give Porsha the beat down for being a crappy friend. Amazingly, Porsha owns it, which suggests she’s more mature than most of the women in the room, and tries to hug NeNe, who seems utterly flummoxed that she wasn’t able to make a second woman burst into tears in the same day.
Finally, there’s a flying roach. Porsha and Kenya, who have already bonded about wanting babies, work together to squish. It would all be heartwarming if it wasn’t so likely to fall apart in a few days. I’m telling you; Savannah is magic. Or something.