Gosh, I had been worried that everything was going to be all nutty-twiggy-hugs-and-kisses on “The Real Housewives of New Jersey” after all those bonding exercises and Zennis games in Arizona. I mean, if Teresa and Jacqueline can actually become friends again without one of them suffering a serious head injury first, you have to think hellishly hot weather and trust exercises really can work miracles. But good news! Simmering resentments are surfacing this week, so we can expect Melissa and Teresa to go back to screaming and yelling at one another any minute. What a relief!
‘Real Housewives of New Jersey’: Is Melissa fixing to fight Teresa?
To kick things off, Teresa shows off her Skinny Italian food line to her mom and mother-in-law (and the American public who might be suckers enough to buy it), then takes the opportunity to kiss ass. “Joe and I are totally tight now, because we ran off to the Arizona desert for healing!” I’m pretty sure the two moms are looking at Teresa like she’s slightly insane, as they think healing is something you do after an appendectomy and that’s it. Still, the Italian transplants have enough of a grasp on Bravo plot demands to suggest that Teresa and her brother have the dinner together, so the blood and the water will be the thing and the pot and, yes, yes. Pasta!
Next, we watch Joe Gorga visit Jacqueline and Chris to discuss Jacqueline’s imminent autism speech. She’s so scared! People may judge her for using her son’s autism as a platform… for charity. Who are these people, and why aren’t they judging her for more important things, like having a large segment of her stomach lopped off when she really looked just fine before? Still, this also gives Joe an opportunity to bring up all the people who write awful things about Melissa. Like Teresa’s friends. Joe doesn’t care what they say, except he does.
Kathy and Rich go to a meeting with an event producer, who suggests an in-store presentation of her cannolis at Dylan’s Candy Bar. Kathy is so excited! Rich has no idea who the hell Dylan is. “Ralph Lauren’s daughter,” Kathy says in a tone that suggests she’d really like to ask for a divorce. Rich, as promised, doesn’t say much, except to imply that Kathy’s cousin’s kids will tear up the place, which is still owned by somebody he’s never heard of. I’m waiting for him to ask who Ralph Lauren is, too.
Joe, Melissa, Teresa and his mom meet for lunch. Unfortunately, his dad can’t make it because he has kidney stones. Joe Giudice shows up late and looking kind of hungover. “You have a big tongue! My daughter have it more longer than you!” Mom says to Melissa. “Talk to the people and be the family together all the time! Pasta!” The two Joes hug. It’s so cute!
Teresa goes over to Jacqueline’s house, where Jacqueline puts on a horse’s head that is not in the least bit extremely disturbing. This is apparently a way of easing into asking Teresa for advice on public speaking. Amazingly, because Teresa has heard speeches and speaks, she does not entirely suck at this.
Rosie and Joe Giudice hang out and mispronounce words together. When Rosie asks if he wishes he had a boy, he says he wouldn’t be averse to planting Teresa’s egg and his egg in some woman and making a baby. Rosie does not correct him, as she doesn’t seem to realize that men, in fact, do not make eggs. I think Rosie is thrilled to have found this new friendship with Joe, who is like the curmudgeonly version of her with a penis and, apparently, eggs.
Melissa has a meeting with Johnny Wright, who manages Justin Timberlake and is being guilted into this meeting by someone, somewhere. He tries to hint that Melissa just decided to become famous and has no real passion for, like, music. Melissa tells him she’s a great mom! Johnny tells her to shut up about her damn family and to realize she better realize she needs to commit to music. She’s totally good with that as long as she can be with her kids 24/7! Johnny eventually shrugs and tells her, hey, if he has to do this, whatever. When he meets Melissa in the studio, the only way she could be more unprofessional would be showing up topless or wanting to sing in Braille. He suggests she meet with his team in Florida, which says to me someone at Bravo is promising him a TV show.
The day of Kathy’s big event at Dylan’s Candy Bar doesn’t look like it’s going to go so well. Rich shows up late and tosses her cards all over the kitchen, her kids show up late and don’t care, and she has laryngitis. Caroline doesn’t show up because she has a migraine, Jacqueline shows up late, and Rosie, Melissa and Teresa show up close to closing. But hey, it’s fine. Kathy’s used to not counting.
Finally, we get the Big Convenient Confrontation, when Melissa and Joe go out for a romantic dinner and Melissa just happens to see Penny at the bar. Golly, what are the chances? Anyway, even though she and Joe and Melissa swore to confront Penny as a team, Melissa figures the only way she’ll get the whole truth is by asking for it one-on-one, and guess what? Penny really is friends with Teresa (oooh, Teresa, you lying liar who lies!), and Teresa told her husband to spew horrible things about Melissa via social media. Joe stops in to join the conversation and act surprised. So, that truce between Joe Gorga and Teresa? That lasted… hmm, like what, a week? Yeah, that’s going down in flames next week, it seems. So much for Zennis!
Do you think Teresa should be worried? Do you think Melissa has any shot at a music career? Do you think Kathy is going to, at some point, really melt down in a public way because no one gives a crap about her feelings?